"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."--Martin Luther King Jr.
It's funny... I can see (and have seen in my life) this quote going a couple ways. I can see the silence of our friends mattering because though they said little, they came alongside us and wordlessly walked the path with us through goods, and especially bad. That can be a balm of comfort on a weary day.
On the other hand... I can see remembering the silence of friends at times when you needed to know that you had been heard, or that you were thought of and cared about and instead you got silence. This can be a kick in the gut on a weary day.
I must admit, the first interpretation is much more enjoyable experientially.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
So This is Christmas...
Isn't that in a Wings song or something??
Yes, indeed, it is Christmas. More accurately, Christmas is drawing to a close here. We're about to head upstairs where I will don my brand new snuggly nightgown, and this Christmas will go into the stack of memories of Christmases past I keep in my mental attic.
It was a good day. We spent time together. We heard a sermon at church that put into words a lot of what I've been feeling about Christmas this year. We got better acquainted with some folks in our congregation at a church potluck (and ate LOTS of food). And, of course, we made out with some great Christmas loot, too!
You might have guessed that Santa brought us a digital camera. That's right, I will now be able to visually chronicle the happenings of our family along with my verbal ramblings. This should be good news for those of you who will want to see regular photos of the little girl who will be joining us in March.
Andy checks back in to work tomorrow. I'm not ready to give him back. It's been so nice to have him here, and to spend some time with him.
And now we begin to prepare to embark on the journey that will be 2005. I must admit, it looks rather daunting... but I pray that the hope, and yes, perspective that I gained this Christmas season will continue and help to sustain me through that roller coaster. There will be time later to reflect along that vein this week.
For now, I guess all there is left to say is simply, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Yes, indeed, it is Christmas. More accurately, Christmas is drawing to a close here. We're about to head upstairs where I will don my brand new snuggly nightgown, and this Christmas will go into the stack of memories of Christmases past I keep in my mental attic.
It was a good day. We spent time together. We heard a sermon at church that put into words a lot of what I've been feeling about Christmas this year. We got better acquainted with some folks in our congregation at a church potluck (and ate LOTS of food). And, of course, we made out with some great Christmas loot, too!
You might have guessed that Santa brought us a digital camera. That's right, I will now be able to visually chronicle the happenings of our family along with my verbal ramblings. This should be good news for those of you who will want to see regular photos of the little girl who will be joining us in March.
Andy checks back in to work tomorrow. I'm not ready to give him back. It's been so nice to have him here, and to spend some time with him.
And now we begin to prepare to embark on the journey that will be 2005. I must admit, it looks rather daunting... but I pray that the hope, and yes, perspective that I gained this Christmas season will continue and help to sustain me through that roller coaster. There will be time later to reflect along that vein this week.
For now, I guess all there is left to say is simply, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
My Christmas Spirit
I have had mixed feelings about many attitudes I've seen exhibited this Christmas. I thought at first, that I was annoyed at people who were 'bah-humbugging.' I've heard so many people decry the 'evils of commercialism' to the detriment of their own moods. I didn't understand that, but it wasn't the root of what was bugging me. I thought I was resistant to the 'shiny-happy Christmas spirit.' I'm not. I'm happy for people who are full of such nice shiny-happiness. I've seen people down on themselves for not being shiny-happy. That doesn't sit right with me. And, I think one of the things that I have reacted most strongly to this Christmas is people so stressed out by all they "have to do" for the holidays.
I think what it comes down to is that I'm frusterated and sad that people feel so many 'have-tos' about Christmas. People seem to think you have to feel good and full of Jingle Bells and Figgy Pudding, and if you don't feel good then Christmas isn't for you. People think they have to stress out about getting all their shopping done, planning the perfect meal, having to deal with relatives, etc, etc.
What I feel so strongly this Christmas is that it doesn't have to be anything. We don't have to be anything. Christmas is for people full of Jingle Bells and Figgy Pudding... Christmas is for people who don't know what to do with God anymore. Christmas is for people who are struggling with family situations, and illness, and loss.... Because Christmas is about God coming to earth to be with us where we are. The word 'Emmanuel' is so beautiful to me right now. "God with us." He is with us in our joy and giddy happiness, He is with us in our down-trodden spirits, He is with us in our questions--even if they are questions about HIM.
He is with us in our stress too... but why are we so tripped up in that? We are we 'have toing' ourselves to death? Why are we letting the places we have to go, the presents we have to ship, the shopping we haven't done, and the food that has to be perfect get in the way of the peace, the joy, the wonder, the comfort, the realness of Christmas? I hate the 'reason for the season' cliche. That's not what I'm talking about... I'm just talking about being so near-sighted that for some reason we aren't able to find ourselves in the picture of Christmas. Why do we do that?
This Christmas I am clinging to hope. I am trusting that there is joy. I am resting in the idea of God being with us... of EMMANUEL... even though sometimes I don't know who he is or what he's all about. I need to know that... my story isn't so different from the larger story of Christmas. I need to realize that my feelings of trepidation, uncertainty, questioning, and sadness don't in any way exclude me from the experience of Christmas.... Rather, those things connect me to THE STORY. I am so grateful to find myself there and know that somehow in my heart and in my life God will quietly, humbly come to be with me, to bring hope, and to remind my heart to sing even when I think I've forgotten the words.
I think what it comes down to is that I'm frusterated and sad that people feel so many 'have-tos' about Christmas. People seem to think you have to feel good and full of Jingle Bells and Figgy Pudding, and if you don't feel good then Christmas isn't for you. People think they have to stress out about getting all their shopping done, planning the perfect meal, having to deal with relatives, etc, etc.
What I feel so strongly this Christmas is that it doesn't have to be anything. We don't have to be anything. Christmas is for people full of Jingle Bells and Figgy Pudding... Christmas is for people who don't know what to do with God anymore. Christmas is for people who are struggling with family situations, and illness, and loss.... Because Christmas is about God coming to earth to be with us where we are. The word 'Emmanuel' is so beautiful to me right now. "God with us." He is with us in our joy and giddy happiness, He is with us in our down-trodden spirits, He is with us in our questions--even if they are questions about HIM.
He is with us in our stress too... but why are we so tripped up in that? We are we 'have toing' ourselves to death? Why are we letting the places we have to go, the presents we have to ship, the shopping we haven't done, and the food that has to be perfect get in the way of the peace, the joy, the wonder, the comfort, the realness of Christmas? I hate the 'reason for the season' cliche. That's not what I'm talking about... I'm just talking about being so near-sighted that for some reason we aren't able to find ourselves in the picture of Christmas. Why do we do that?
This Christmas I am clinging to hope. I am trusting that there is joy. I am resting in the idea of God being with us... of EMMANUEL... even though sometimes I don't know who he is or what he's all about. I need to know that... my story isn't so different from the larger story of Christmas. I need to realize that my feelings of trepidation, uncertainty, questioning, and sadness don't in any way exclude me from the experience of Christmas.... Rather, those things connect me to THE STORY. I am so grateful to find myself there and know that somehow in my heart and in my life God will quietly, humbly come to be with me, to bring hope, and to remind my heart to sing even when I think I've forgotten the words.
Lots of words for nothing
I don't know what to write today, but I feel like I need to. I tried to write about going to see The Messiah on Saturday. I attempted to narrate my discovery of there actually being 3 parts to the work. I might have told you about my delight in the third part which focused on the victory of Christ and the anticipation of his kindgom in us and on earth. Everything that I wrote about it was so clunky though, so I scrapped it.
I could write about feeling dreary lately, and trying to forge into the holiday spirit... I could have tried to be eloquent about my hoping that just understanding that Christmas is about a light in the darkness and hope in a barren land is enough for now. I've sort of done that already though.
Or I could tell you how nice it is to have Andy home on leave right now. I could write an expository paragraph about how very lovely it is to wake up in his arms, and how blessed I am to have married a man who will listen to me process through the same things over and over again before we go to sleep each night even though he can barely keep his eyes open.
I could prattle on dryly about my internet Christmas shopping being done and my need to go to the grocery store and the post office today. Or tell you that I'm not sure what we'll make for dinner Christmas eve and that I'm excited about going to the Christmas Potluck at church on Christmas Day (of course, I am taking Pink Stuff!). I could also whine greedily about the sad ratio of presents under my tree: 4:3:1--representing Andy, Baby, and Val respectively. That whining part wouldn't be right though because I have an amazing gift inside of me, and my wonderful parents gave us a beautiful glider rocking chair to spend hours rocking baby girl in when she gets here. Nope, it wouldn't be right, so I won't expound on that.
I could write all of that... but it just doesn't quite seem to fit.
(Incidentally... I remember one of my favorite profs. Dr. Stephens marvelling at my ability to take up so much space writing about nothing every week in my journal for him. He's right! I've got quite a knack!)
I could write about feeling dreary lately, and trying to forge into the holiday spirit... I could have tried to be eloquent about my hoping that just understanding that Christmas is about a light in the darkness and hope in a barren land is enough for now. I've sort of done that already though.
Or I could tell you how nice it is to have Andy home on leave right now. I could write an expository paragraph about how very lovely it is to wake up in his arms, and how blessed I am to have married a man who will listen to me process through the same things over and over again before we go to sleep each night even though he can barely keep his eyes open.
I could prattle on dryly about my internet Christmas shopping being done and my need to go to the grocery store and the post office today. Or tell you that I'm not sure what we'll make for dinner Christmas eve and that I'm excited about going to the Christmas Potluck at church on Christmas Day (of course, I am taking Pink Stuff!). I could also whine greedily about the sad ratio of presents under my tree: 4:3:1--representing Andy, Baby, and Val respectively. That whining part wouldn't be right though because I have an amazing gift inside of me, and my wonderful parents gave us a beautiful glider rocking chair to spend hours rocking baby girl in when she gets here. Nope, it wouldn't be right, so I won't expound on that.
I could write all of that... but it just doesn't quite seem to fit.
(Incidentally... I remember one of my favorite profs. Dr. Stephens marvelling at my ability to take up so much space writing about nothing every week in my journal for him. He's right! I've got quite a knack!)
Friday, December 10, 2004
More thoughts on Bah-humbug
It seems many are fed up this year with the commercialization of Christmas, and the feeling that this is 'the time to give' and no other time is... Or else, stressed out by the difficult situations in our lives that make it difficult to feel joyful at the time of a Christmas holiday. And that's ok. It's real.
But 'Bah humbugginess' (I just love putting suffixes on Bah humbug!) confuses me just a bit too. We don't have to be caught up in the commercialism. Not if we know what the real point is!!! I have many blessings this year, and maybe that's why I'm not understanding bah humbug as well at times. My husband will BE HOME for this holiday (I'm so pumped!!!), I am with child at this advent season... I am literally pregant in anticipation of our coming child and of Christ as well! Maybe it is the blessing of these things that overshadow me... and keep me feeling the wonder and fun of 'the season.'
And yet, I have fallen in and out of Bah-humbugging too. I wonder about the uncertainties of next Christmas. And I am not going to be able to travel to be with my family for this Christmas knowing time is precious. My mama will likely be having some medical procedures of some sort done around Christmastime and I won't be there to hold her hand. Some days this just devestates me. I have up days and down days emotionally, and days of keeping coming impending separations from my husband in persective better than others. Some days I escape the bah humbugs, and other days I just don't.
But then I remember... Jesus didn't come to a world full of joy and glad tidings. He came to a world that was desolate, barren, and desperate to hear ANYTHING from God... wondering if he was even still out there caring. He came not in a blaze of lightening... not in the form of a mighty supernatural ruler, but something EVEN MORE awe-inspiring... He came as a Baby! He came in such a way that we wouldn't feel threatened, in a way to ensure that our defenses and hackles about all we thought about God and his 'failures' in our lives wouldn't get in the way.
So as I see it... yeah we may be down and out... We may be depressed. We may be going through difficulties with loved ones, or we might be grieving the previous losses of loved ones. And for me looking ahead, yes, next year I will celebrate my daughter's first Christmas with her father thousands of miles away... Yes these things hurt.
But we have been given a LIGHT in the darkness. He has come and he is Emmanuel! He is GOD WITH US. He is hope... He brings me hope that I will have many more wonderful Christmases with my family, hope that this Christmas with my husband can be quiet and special and ours and somehow enough for two years worth or three years worth or for how ever many it needs be. Hope that even in the feelings of desolation I sense in others, a light may break through.
I pray that he will give you hope in whatever your circumstances as well. Things don't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be about the gifts and the family dinners and the shopping and the Christmas tree-trimming. We don't have to be full of joy and glad tidings and Christmas card wishes all the time... Jesus came to desolation and gave us hope... and then on the other end of the life of that innocent little baby... he died that we might be free and that death would be conquered and that eventually all of us Ragamuffins (whether our Ragamuffiness is realized or not) can meet together again in that place where there are no more tears. So... Rather than being hum-buggy... I'm going to do all I can to hold on to that LIGHT in the darkness and the hope that a tiny, powerless, fragile little baby can bring to me and to you. That's nothing to bah-humbug about!
But 'Bah humbugginess' (I just love putting suffixes on Bah humbug!) confuses me just a bit too. We don't have to be caught up in the commercialism. Not if we know what the real point is!!! I have many blessings this year, and maybe that's why I'm not understanding bah humbug as well at times. My husband will BE HOME for this holiday (I'm so pumped!!!), I am with child at this advent season... I am literally pregant in anticipation of our coming child and of Christ as well! Maybe it is the blessing of these things that overshadow me... and keep me feeling the wonder and fun of 'the season.'
And yet, I have fallen in and out of Bah-humbugging too. I wonder about the uncertainties of next Christmas. And I am not going to be able to travel to be with my family for this Christmas knowing time is precious. My mama will likely be having some medical procedures of some sort done around Christmastime and I won't be there to hold her hand. Some days this just devestates me. I have up days and down days emotionally, and days of keeping coming impending separations from my husband in persective better than others. Some days I escape the bah humbugs, and other days I just don't.
But then I remember... Jesus didn't come to a world full of joy and glad tidings. He came to a world that was desolate, barren, and desperate to hear ANYTHING from God... wondering if he was even still out there caring. He came not in a blaze of lightening... not in the form of a mighty supernatural ruler, but something EVEN MORE awe-inspiring... He came as a Baby! He came in such a way that we wouldn't feel threatened, in a way to ensure that our defenses and hackles about all we thought about God and his 'failures' in our lives wouldn't get in the way.
So as I see it... yeah we may be down and out... We may be depressed. We may be going through difficulties with loved ones, or we might be grieving the previous losses of loved ones. And for me looking ahead, yes, next year I will celebrate my daughter's first Christmas with her father thousands of miles away... Yes these things hurt.
But we have been given a LIGHT in the darkness. He has come and he is Emmanuel! He is GOD WITH US. He is hope... He brings me hope that I will have many more wonderful Christmases with my family, hope that this Christmas with my husband can be quiet and special and ours and somehow enough for two years worth or three years worth or for how ever many it needs be. Hope that even in the feelings of desolation I sense in others, a light may break through.
I pray that he will give you hope in whatever your circumstances as well. Things don't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be about the gifts and the family dinners and the shopping and the Christmas tree-trimming. We don't have to be full of joy and glad tidings and Christmas card wishes all the time... Jesus came to desolation and gave us hope... and then on the other end of the life of that innocent little baby... he died that we might be free and that death would be conquered and that eventually all of us Ragamuffins (whether our Ragamuffiness is realized or not) can meet together again in that place where there are no more tears. So... Rather than being hum-buggy... I'm going to do all I can to hold on to that LIGHT in the darkness and the hope that a tiny, powerless, fragile little baby can bring to me and to you. That's nothing to bah-humbug about!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Another Pregnant Phenomenon
Tonight I do believe I ate the weight of a horse. No really. I don't think I remember a time that I've been so hungry. I think I could even eat more right now... but I don't think I better. I sure hope this is pregancy induced... I also hope it is just a tonight thing... or else, I will soon weigh the same as that horse... and then some!!!
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Re-connecting
Tonight a friend of ours from college came to visit. In some colassal fluke of coincidence Lori happens to be seriously dating a sailor stationed not far from here, and she was visiting this weekend. She called this morning and we had them both over for pizza tonight.
I cannot even express how very wonderful it was to have company... and to be with someone who knew my name before I was a Navy wife. On top of that, she and her wonderful boyfriend both still fully understood the challenges involved with the lifestyle of a Navy family. We sat and talked and swapped stories for five hours.
It felt SOO good to reconnect with someone--to be able to talk about college, the baby, our work situations, her boyfriend's deployment experiences, things from closer to home (first home), girly things... And, it felt delightful to be KNOWN. It was a great to get to know Lori's boyfriend as well. He's an individual who is very inquisitive because he genuinely wants to learn about people. We were very happy to meet him!
It was good for Andy and Nick (Lori's fellow) as well, I believe. They were both able to talk about the struggles of being a sailor who doesn't fit the typical sailor stereotype. (I.E.--They don't drink and carouse. They'd rather be family men with integrity and devotion to God, than to tour the bars of the world and worship the toilet deity on a regular basis). They were able to relate and encourage one another a bit, I think. Now they both know they're not the only weirdos out there!!!
There is something that is just so... needed and life-giving in connecting and reconnecting with others. I am so grateful. Part of me wonders if it's a God thing... I don't get God these days... I don't know how he works in our lives. But maybe, just maybe, He is involved down to a level where He would care enough to encourage me at a time that a bit of encouragement might be needed. Is he somehow responsible for our sudden flourishing social life, and the opportunities that are popping up everywhere for me to reconnect with old friends right now? I don't know, but I think I will choose to be grateful regardless.
Another fun thing about today--It was Christmas Tree day!!! (Yes, I am feeling far less Bah-humbuggy). Andy and I put up the tree and our Christmasy decorations. We have quite a few ornaments for only being married one year and 5 months. My favorite thing about Christmas ornaments is the stories behind all of them. Except for the silver and red balls we have, each ornament is special to us for one reason or another. Every year when I put up the tree I get to remember why!
Incidentally, Chester is rather pleased with the tree as well... Lots of new ways to get into trouble, and lots of new hanging things to play with! The stinker!!! He did have some trauma as the tree was going up when he was attacked by a dangerous duct-tape monster. It stuck to his foot and no matter how much he ran around the living room, it wouldn't come off. I had to cut it off with scissors it was so stuck! Poor guy. He is sure to enjoy the Christmas Season and the veritable wonderland of mischief the tree provides despite his time of trauma.
I cannot even express how very wonderful it was to have company... and to be with someone who knew my name before I was a Navy wife. On top of that, she and her wonderful boyfriend both still fully understood the challenges involved with the lifestyle of a Navy family. We sat and talked and swapped stories for five hours.
It felt SOO good to reconnect with someone--to be able to talk about college, the baby, our work situations, her boyfriend's deployment experiences, things from closer to home (first home), girly things... And, it felt delightful to be KNOWN. It was a great to get to know Lori's boyfriend as well. He's an individual who is very inquisitive because he genuinely wants to learn about people. We were very happy to meet him!
It was good for Andy and Nick (Lori's fellow) as well, I believe. They were both able to talk about the struggles of being a sailor who doesn't fit the typical sailor stereotype. (I.E.--They don't drink and carouse. They'd rather be family men with integrity and devotion to God, than to tour the bars of the world and worship the toilet deity on a regular basis). They were able to relate and encourage one another a bit, I think. Now they both know they're not the only weirdos out there!!!
There is something that is just so... needed and life-giving in connecting and reconnecting with others. I am so grateful. Part of me wonders if it's a God thing... I don't get God these days... I don't know how he works in our lives. But maybe, just maybe, He is involved down to a level where He would care enough to encourage me at a time that a bit of encouragement might be needed. Is he somehow responsible for our sudden flourishing social life, and the opportunities that are popping up everywhere for me to reconnect with old friends right now? I don't know, but I think I will choose to be grateful regardless.
Another fun thing about today--It was Christmas Tree day!!! (Yes, I am feeling far less Bah-humbuggy). Andy and I put up the tree and our Christmasy decorations. We have quite a few ornaments for only being married one year and 5 months. My favorite thing about Christmas ornaments is the stories behind all of them. Except for the silver and red balls we have, each ornament is special to us for one reason or another. Every year when I put up the tree I get to remember why!
Incidentally, Chester is rather pleased with the tree as well... Lots of new ways to get into trouble, and lots of new hanging things to play with! The stinker!!! He did have some trauma as the tree was going up when he was attacked by a dangerous duct-tape monster. It stuck to his foot and no matter how much he ran around the living room, it wouldn't come off. I had to cut it off with scissors it was so stuck! Poor guy. He is sure to enjoy the Christmas Season and the veritable wonderland of mischief the tree provides despite his time of trauma.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
"You'd be glowing too if...."
"You spent all your time puking." Ok, so I don't remember the exact verbage, but Phoebe said that on an episode of Friends when she was pregnant, and I tucked it away!
So... For those of you who've never been pregnant, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
It's not all joy and bubbles and booties and happy warm thoughts. On top of that, people will constantly make you feel like it SHOULD be joy and bubbles and booties and happy warm thoughts. They're full of crap. If you encounter these people when pregnant you can be assured of one of two things: 1) They have never been pregnant themselves or 2) They have totally and completely forgotten the reality of being pregnant.
I will say that for the most part I am enjoying my pregnancy. I have been determined to do so. It is exciting to have this little person growing inside of you to dream about and plan for and get all gooey-eyed about. It is fun to feel my little girl's kicks and punches and wiggles and turns and to read to my belly and talk to her.
However, I confess to you that at times I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like a beached whale each time I attempt to turn over in bed. Some days the thought of having a baby outside my tummy scares the P-wadding out of me (I have no idea what P-wadding is... ask my father... or else don't!). And if I cry at one more Hallmark commercial, or McDonald's commercial, or Lowe's commercial I may implode.
Well-meaning people ask about pregnancy in excited tones and say things like, "I bet you just can't wait til she gets here." Or, "Being pregnant must be so neat!" Or, "Isn't it wonderful to feel that little life inside of you?" On most days I whole-heartedly agree with them. On the other days I really just want to punch them.
Yesterday, I read from one of my Expecting Mom's Devotional books. The lady who was writing talked of nothing but goo and glow and joy. I wanted to puke. It wasn't morning sickness!
Today and yesterday I have felt two things very strongly. The first is lack of 'glow.' The second is a general feeling of 'bah humbug.' It is frusterating and upsetting to me, largely due to my propensity to 'should on myself.' I feel like I should feel nothing but happy about this pregnancy. I feel that it is my responsibility to always let the joyful feelings win out over the scared to death feelings and the tired feelings and the emotionally spasmodic feelings. As for Christmas, I feel that since my husband will actually be here this year that I have an obligation and responsibility to enjoy the snot out of Christmas!
Truthfully, I want to glow and I want to be full of holiday cheer, but... I'm just not feeling all that right now. I think that is ok. I trust that tomorrow, or the day after that I will be back to glowing and decorating my house to the nines (like I've EVER done that, Ha!) for the holiday. For now, I am going to choose to be gentle with myself where I am.... and I might eat a little ice cream too!
So... For those of you who've never been pregnant, I'm going to let you in on a little secret:
It's not all joy and bubbles and booties and happy warm thoughts. On top of that, people will constantly make you feel like it SHOULD be joy and bubbles and booties and happy warm thoughts. They're full of crap. If you encounter these people when pregnant you can be assured of one of two things: 1) They have never been pregnant themselves or 2) They have totally and completely forgotten the reality of being pregnant.
I will say that for the most part I am enjoying my pregnancy. I have been determined to do so. It is exciting to have this little person growing inside of you to dream about and plan for and get all gooey-eyed about. It is fun to feel my little girl's kicks and punches and wiggles and turns and to read to my belly and talk to her.
However, I confess to you that at times I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling like a beached whale each time I attempt to turn over in bed. Some days the thought of having a baby outside my tummy scares the P-wadding out of me (I have no idea what P-wadding is... ask my father... or else don't!). And if I cry at one more Hallmark commercial, or McDonald's commercial, or Lowe's commercial I may implode.
Well-meaning people ask about pregnancy in excited tones and say things like, "I bet you just can't wait til she gets here." Or, "Being pregnant must be so neat!" Or, "Isn't it wonderful to feel that little life inside of you?" On most days I whole-heartedly agree with them. On the other days I really just want to punch them.
Yesterday, I read from one of my Expecting Mom's Devotional books. The lady who was writing talked of nothing but goo and glow and joy. I wanted to puke. It wasn't morning sickness!
Today and yesterday I have felt two things very strongly. The first is lack of 'glow.' The second is a general feeling of 'bah humbug.' It is frusterating and upsetting to me, largely due to my propensity to 'should on myself.' I feel like I should feel nothing but happy about this pregnancy. I feel that it is my responsibility to always let the joyful feelings win out over the scared to death feelings and the tired feelings and the emotionally spasmodic feelings. As for Christmas, I feel that since my husband will actually be here this year that I have an obligation and responsibility to enjoy the snot out of Christmas!
Truthfully, I want to glow and I want to be full of holiday cheer, but... I'm just not feeling all that right now. I think that is ok. I trust that tomorrow, or the day after that I will be back to glowing and decorating my house to the nines (like I've EVER done that, Ha!) for the holiday. For now, I am going to choose to be gentle with myself where I am.... and I might eat a little ice cream too!
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Real Life and Plans
"Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans." --John Lennon
The Beatle was right, I am fully convinced. My last week has been full of life happening while I was busy making other plans. My family is now dealing with the challenges that present themselves when they find that one of the members has a serious illness. That caught us without looking, or at least caught me that way. And my Thanksgiving Day in general can only be described as, "Not at all as I planned it."
But you know what? It's ok. I am going to try to see it as a challenge to really get the Thanks giving aspect of Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I have such wonderful parents. They're coming to visit, and will be here tomorrow. They have been a constant sense of support and encouragement. I am so thankful. My husband was home for this holiday. I think it's our first official holiday together all year, minus Halloween which really doesn't count as a 'family holiday' necessarily. We spent lots of time together. We took naps. We cooked goodies. How can I not be grateful for that?
People change plans or don't communicate plans and that can really throw you into a tailspin. Life in general does the same thing sometimes. I know I am one who gets an image of what is going to happen over a given period of time and when things don't work that way I emotionally spasm. But in the end, it's beautiful. There's beauty even in the uncertainty, the fear, the annoyance and frustration, and in the disappointment that can come when plans are changed or interrupted.
So today, instead of being frusterated or annoyed because the people I thought were going to show up at my house didn't come (leaving me with a rather large heap of food that I had purchased and prepared just for them), and instead of being depressed and angry about the larger interruptions and plan changes life has thrown at me and my family lately, I am going to try to be thankful. I will admit it's been easier some moments than others, and I expect that will continue to be the case. But, Thankfulness is a cause worth fighting for.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
The Beatle was right, I am fully convinced. My last week has been full of life happening while I was busy making other plans. My family is now dealing with the challenges that present themselves when they find that one of the members has a serious illness. That caught us without looking, or at least caught me that way. And my Thanksgiving Day in general can only be described as, "Not at all as I planned it."
But you know what? It's ok. I am going to try to see it as a challenge to really get the Thanks giving aspect of Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I have such wonderful parents. They're coming to visit, and will be here tomorrow. They have been a constant sense of support and encouragement. I am so thankful. My husband was home for this holiday. I think it's our first official holiday together all year, minus Halloween which really doesn't count as a 'family holiday' necessarily. We spent lots of time together. We took naps. We cooked goodies. How can I not be grateful for that?
People change plans or don't communicate plans and that can really throw you into a tailspin. Life in general does the same thing sometimes. I know I am one who gets an image of what is going to happen over a given period of time and when things don't work that way I emotionally spasm. But in the end, it's beautiful. There's beauty even in the uncertainty, the fear, the annoyance and frustration, and in the disappointment that can come when plans are changed or interrupted.
So today, instead of being frusterated or annoyed because the people I thought were going to show up at my house didn't come (leaving me with a rather large heap of food that I had purchased and prepared just for them), and instead of being depressed and angry about the larger interruptions and plan changes life has thrown at me and my family lately, I am going to try to be thankful. I will admit it's been easier some moments than others, and I expect that will continue to be the case. But, Thankfulness is a cause worth fighting for.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Time With Rocks, Waves, and Driftwood
Sometimes, I need to remember that the world is bigger than what I see. I need time to get quiet and look at the horizon far away and just be. I need to feel air on my face, and feel something other than concrete or carpet under my feet. I long for a place where I can breathe deeply and throw my hands up in joy, desperation, or both and to feel that I am a part of the humming aliveness of the world around me.
Andy and I spent some time on one of the beaches on base today to fulfill that need. I don't know what it is about taking time to do that, but it soothes the savage beast in me like nothing else will. When I take the time to step outside and remember to be I can accept the idea that I am a very small part of the world, and that I am not in control of the things happening around me.
We spent time walking and sitting, inspecting rocks, and watching birds flap in and out of the water. We took silly pictures near pieces of driftwood, and used the same material to build a makeshift Tripod to do so. I'm glad we took the time to do that. I need to remember to more often. It makes my tomorrows--whatever they may hold--a little easier to face, and helps me to remember goodness.
Mom and Dad, we'll take you there to play when you visit! You need to see the pinks edges of the mountains as the sun starts to set and the birds playing in the surf... We'll frolic, though, I promise!
Andy and I spent some time on one of the beaches on base today to fulfill that need. I don't know what it is about taking time to do that, but it soothes the savage beast in me like nothing else will. When I take the time to step outside and remember to be I can accept the idea that I am a very small part of the world, and that I am not in control of the things happening around me.
We spent time walking and sitting, inspecting rocks, and watching birds flap in and out of the water. We took silly pictures near pieces of driftwood, and used the same material to build a makeshift Tripod to do so. I'm glad we took the time to do that. I need to remember to more often. It makes my tomorrows--whatever they may hold--a little easier to face, and helps me to remember goodness.
Mom and Dad, we'll take you there to play when you visit! You need to see the pinks edges of the mountains as the sun starts to set and the birds playing in the surf... We'll frolic, though, I promise!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
AT3 Andrew
I am a proud wife today. Andy was frocked as a Third Class Petty Officer!!! By the way, I really don't like the term, 'Frocked.' It reminds me of... little dresses, or priests robes. Andy does not wear little dresses or priests robes. It was even worse when at the ceremony they were called, "Frockees." It sounded like "Frockies." But that is really besides the point.
Anyway, the ceremony was interesting, if a little quick. I think that instead of all these seminars about drunk driving and such that these sailors sit through they should do some public speaking courses... (Just kidding, though I did want to give the man using the microphone some pointers about not trailing his voice off at the end of his phrases.) It was very casual and everyone even felt comfortable laughing when the alarm on one of the 'Frockees' cell phones went off.
And now my husband is a Petty Officer. He has a very nice bird with a stripe on his arm. I'm pretty sure that makes him happy. It will be interesting to see what new responsibilities he may be asked to take on. I am certain though, that whatever they may be he will handle them with poise and integrity.
Now I'm off to try to clean out the baby's room so as to make room for someone to sleep there next weekend. If I don't post for a while, you might want to call and check up on me! I'm afraid I'll get lost in there!
Happy promotion day to Andy!
Anyway, the ceremony was interesting, if a little quick. I think that instead of all these seminars about drunk driving and such that these sailors sit through they should do some public speaking courses... (Just kidding, though I did want to give the man using the microphone some pointers about not trailing his voice off at the end of his phrases.) It was very casual and everyone even felt comfortable laughing when the alarm on one of the 'Frockees' cell phones went off.
And now my husband is a Petty Officer. He has a very nice bird with a stripe on his arm. I'm pretty sure that makes him happy. It will be interesting to see what new responsibilities he may be asked to take on. I am certain though, that whatever they may be he will handle them with poise and integrity.
Now I'm off to try to clean out the baby's room so as to make room for someone to sleep there next weekend. If I don't post for a while, you might want to call and check up on me! I'm afraid I'll get lost in there!
Happy promotion day to Andy!
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Power Rangers for Jesus!
Andy and I are teaching Sunday School these days. It's a lot of fun. I enjoy having contact with kids, even if it's only once a week. For this six weeks, we are talking about the gifts the wisemen brought Jesus and reading the story of Old Befana. For one of the activities, the kids are making or drawing pictures of gifts that they would give to Baby Jesus.
Today we had the Kindergarteners, and they were, of course, adorable and wiggly. They also had some pretty fun ideas of what they would give Jesus. Under our 'Gifts for Baby Jesus' Christmas Tree we ended up with two or three Red Power Rangers, a couple of yo-yos, a pitcher for Jesus to drink out of in case he got thirsty, a bunny, a puppy, some angels, and a couple of stars. Each of the kids trotted up proudly and told us what they would give Jesus and why. Most of their answers were things like, "Because I like it," or "Because it's fun." The explanation for giving Jesus stars and angels were, "Because a star is how the whole world knew that he had come to earth," and "Because angels came when He was born." One little guy gave him a globe, "Because that's where he came to live!"
Now on one hand, I could start going on about how the prevelence of Power Rangers reflects the materialism of Christmas in our society. But you've heard all of that, and I'm not in that kind of mood. What I think is neat is that these kids picked things that they enjoyed and delighted in. They picked their favorite things and chose to give it the most special person they know. I think Jesus would really like to have had a puppy to play with when he was growing up. A dog would've been great company in a Carpenter's Shop, don't you think? I was informed that he wouldn't be able to cuddle with a bunny "because it was a real one.... " but I'm sure he would have enjoyed petting a bunny's soft fur.
I also love that the kids gave Jesus some things that they knew that he would need as a little baby. It's amazing to see how much the kids get that Baby Jesus was... a real kid like them! He needed to be kept warm, he needed to eat and drink, and darn it, he needed things to play with! The kiddo who offered Jesus the globe had some good ideas, too. He did come here to our planet. And he came here to save all the people represented by that big ball of blues and greens.
Soon after all this thought-provoking giving that the kids did they were bouncing, and hopping, and wiggling, and hiding under tables. Ahhh... Kindergarten! What a great age!
Today we had the Kindergarteners, and they were, of course, adorable and wiggly. They also had some pretty fun ideas of what they would give Jesus. Under our 'Gifts for Baby Jesus' Christmas Tree we ended up with two or three Red Power Rangers, a couple of yo-yos, a pitcher for Jesus to drink out of in case he got thirsty, a bunny, a puppy, some angels, and a couple of stars. Each of the kids trotted up proudly and told us what they would give Jesus and why. Most of their answers were things like, "Because I like it," or "Because it's fun." The explanation for giving Jesus stars and angels were, "Because a star is how the whole world knew that he had come to earth," and "Because angels came when He was born." One little guy gave him a globe, "Because that's where he came to live!"
Now on one hand, I could start going on about how the prevelence of Power Rangers reflects the materialism of Christmas in our society. But you've heard all of that, and I'm not in that kind of mood. What I think is neat is that these kids picked things that they enjoyed and delighted in. They picked their favorite things and chose to give it the most special person they know. I think Jesus would really like to have had a puppy to play with when he was growing up. A dog would've been great company in a Carpenter's Shop, don't you think? I was informed that he wouldn't be able to cuddle with a bunny "because it was a real one.... " but I'm sure he would have enjoyed petting a bunny's soft fur.
I also love that the kids gave Jesus some things that they knew that he would need as a little baby. It's amazing to see how much the kids get that Baby Jesus was... a real kid like them! He needed to be kept warm, he needed to eat and drink, and darn it, he needed things to play with! The kiddo who offered Jesus the globe had some good ideas, too. He did come here to our planet. And he came here to save all the people represented by that big ball of blues and greens.
Soon after all this thought-provoking giving that the kids did they were bouncing, and hopping, and wiggling, and hiding under tables. Ahhh... Kindergarten! What a great age!
Saturday, November 13, 2004
For Such a Time...
Good thing that happened this week: Something clicked... I stepped into my current season. Now I get that I have just as much purpose when I'm staying at home as I do any other time. It's just different. Now I get that my life can be just as driven, and just as intentional... but in different ways. Today I actually felt... the beginnings of contentment. I realized how blessed I am. I have this wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter on the way, and time to knit, make my home mine, write, study, and read. Not to mention the fact, that I have the opportunity to volunteer at the church, which is just plain fun even if I am doing repetitive tasks like stamping envelopes. And now, I get to hopefully make my extended family's holiday blessed as well! I feel like I finally stepped into things as they are and maybe I can stop being busy trying to settle, and start intentionally being where I am. That's good news... Now if I can only stay in this head space for more than a day, it will be wonderful. Not to be Christianese and cliche all at once, but I think I finally understand that "For such a time as this..." applies to housewives too.
Oh my... My husband is considering being a translator for Benny Hinn.... this does not sound good. (That's a joke, people!)
Alright.... it's time to head for bed around here.
Sometime I'll have to tell you about the snowflake turned into huge snow boulder known as Thanksgiving at Val's house... Family is descending upon us and we're not entirely sure when it was decided that this would be so.... I'm sure it'll make for some great story telling in the next few weeks of preparation!
Oh my... My husband is considering being a translator for Benny Hinn.... this does not sound good. (That's a joke, people!)
Alright.... it's time to head for bed around here.
Sometime I'll have to tell you about the snowflake turned into huge snow boulder known as Thanksgiving at Val's house... Family is descending upon us and we're not entirely sure when it was decided that this would be so.... I'm sure it'll make for some great story telling in the next few weeks of preparation!
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Evil, Evil Hormones....
Today I felt like I was truly psychotic. Poor Andy didn't know what to do with me. I was tired, felt icky, and every five seconds I was either irritated or bawling. It's hormones wreaking havoc. I am not like this. I don't even recognize this woman! An alien has truly taken over my body. Some days, that is really, honestly, and truly how it feels.
Don't get me wrong. I do love being pregnant. I love feeling this little girl moving around in me and enjoying the possibility that I carry within me.
But some days I can't wait to get through pregnancy and postpartum stuff and get back to being the woman I recognize. On days like this, I suspect Andy feels the same as he doesn't know whether to hug me, keep his distance, yell back, or change the subject.
I'm hoping for a more level day tomorrow.
On the upside, I wore an entire maternity outfit today (Thanks Mom!), and I looked SO CUTE and PREGNANT! Not just fat... Pregant! It was fun. I think I might need to go get more maternity clothes!
Don't get me wrong. I do love being pregnant. I love feeling this little girl moving around in me and enjoying the possibility that I carry within me.
But some days I can't wait to get through pregnancy and postpartum stuff and get back to being the woman I recognize. On days like this, I suspect Andy feels the same as he doesn't know whether to hug me, keep his distance, yell back, or change the subject.
I'm hoping for a more level day tomorrow.
On the upside, I wore an entire maternity outfit today (Thanks Mom!), and I looked SO CUTE and PREGNANT! Not just fat... Pregant! It was fun. I think I might need to go get more maternity clothes!
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Adjustment
I've been going through the normal rigamarole of thoughts about my being at home and not busy status. I can be really hard on myself sometimes (no suprise, right?). I never thought I would be upset about NOT being busy. What I discovered today is that this, too, is an adjustment. I DO need to be gentle with myself. I do need to be patient with my feelings. I expect to get into a new situation and know how to handle it and be satisfied with it immediately.
I'm adjusting to so many things right now. We're STILL figuring out what it means to be a military family. Let's face it--that changes every day. Every day we're dealing with a new shift, a new policy, new experiences for Andy in the shop... We're gearing up for Dets. and Deployments. It's always changing--usually in ways we can't control.
I'm pregnant. I have this little alien taking over my body. It's wonderful and exciting, but it is an adjustment too. We're trying to come to grips with the fact that this little person is going to change our lives in ways we can't even anticipate now.
We're settling into a new place. That means that we're far away from the support systems we had grown so comfortable with. We're finding new places in the community here, meeting new people, trying to find a new social niche.
And... instead of being busy with school or with a job, as I had always expected of myself, and as I had grown accustomed to, I'm at home. That is an adjustment too. I'm not busy all the time. I'm having to learn how to budget my time in a whole new way, find new ways to occupy time, learn new ways to socialize outside of a day-to-day routine of business and commitments outside of the house.
I don't want to use all of those adjustments as excuses, but I do know I have to cut myself some slack. This is a season of adjustment, and it will be a season of adjustment for a long time. That's not a bad thing. In my positive moments I realize how exciting it is with new opportunities all around me. Somehow all of this must be shaping me, I hope, into a better person.
So, I am choosing to be gentle with myself, to give myself some time, and to let myself feel things as long as that doesn't run into the extent of making excuses. And in March, when little girl is born, you can all remind me of this when I start complaining about being SOOO busy and tired.
I'm adjusting to so many things right now. We're STILL figuring out what it means to be a military family. Let's face it--that changes every day. Every day we're dealing with a new shift, a new policy, new experiences for Andy in the shop... We're gearing up for Dets. and Deployments. It's always changing--usually in ways we can't control.
I'm pregnant. I have this little alien taking over my body. It's wonderful and exciting, but it is an adjustment too. We're trying to come to grips with the fact that this little person is going to change our lives in ways we can't even anticipate now.
We're settling into a new place. That means that we're far away from the support systems we had grown so comfortable with. We're finding new places in the community here, meeting new people, trying to find a new social niche.
And... instead of being busy with school or with a job, as I had always expected of myself, and as I had grown accustomed to, I'm at home. That is an adjustment too. I'm not busy all the time. I'm having to learn how to budget my time in a whole new way, find new ways to occupy time, learn new ways to socialize outside of a day-to-day routine of business and commitments outside of the house.
I don't want to use all of those adjustments as excuses, but I do know I have to cut myself some slack. This is a season of adjustment, and it will be a season of adjustment for a long time. That's not a bad thing. In my positive moments I realize how exciting it is with new opportunities all around me. Somehow all of this must be shaping me, I hope, into a better person.
So, I am choosing to be gentle with myself, to give myself some time, and to let myself feel things as long as that doesn't run into the extent of making excuses. And in March, when little girl is born, you can all remind me of this when I start complaining about being SOOO busy and tired.
Monday, November 08, 2004
I want a preggo belly!!!
Alright... So I'm almost to my 3rd trimester, and I must say, I still just look fat! I want a cute preggo belly! People at church don't even know I'm pregnant unless I say something to make it blatantly obvious. They must think that I am just on the fast track weight-gain plan or something... *sigh*
Last night I decided I might be starting to get the cute belly. I hope that it gets even cuter soon.
Andy says he thinks I have a preggo belly, but I am not sure. Come on little girl! Get big! I don't even care if you make my belly button poke out!
Last night I decided I might be starting to get the cute belly. I hope that it gets even cuter soon.
Andy says he thinks I have a preggo belly, but I am not sure. Come on little girl! Get big! I don't even care if you make my belly button poke out!
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Dress Blues...
Andy put on his Dress Blues for a second tonight... All I have to say is... Wow!!! I have SUCH a handsome husband!!! And, I LOVE Dress Blues. :) I haven't seen him in that uniform since he graduated from Basic Training. That brought back some memories!!!
In other news, the growing pains that happen when one's body is making room for a growing little one really hurt sometimes. I swear, my belly is expanding in all directions.
In other news, the growing pains that happen when one's body is making room for a growing little one really hurt sometimes. I swear, my belly is expanding in all directions.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Pizza Craving Thwarted....
So tonight, thanks to Jodie, I had this immense craving for Pizza Hut pizza (they should really be thankful for my pregnancy!). I haven't eaten a whole lot today mostly because of timing issues, so I thought that might do for a dinner type meal. Besides, I was only going to get a small!
Perhaps God decided it wasn't a healthy choice for me... or maybe things are just really annoying and the stars are aligned against me, but the plan was thwarted.
When I called the same Pizza Hut that Andy and I have ordered from time and time again and gave them my number, I was told I could not order because I did not have an in-town number... When I explained that I had ordered before using the same number I was told that that was impossible, and it must have been a pick-up order. (um... No!) So, alas, I gave up, and they lost some money tonight. I thought about trying to give them a bogus number but just figured why mess with it.
And since what I really wanted was a Pizza Hut pizza, I didn't try any of the other Pizza places in town.
So now, here I sit... the craving waves have almost subsided, but I am still left unsatisfied.
Woe is me... the devestation of thwarted Pizza Hut plans...
Perhaps God decided it wasn't a healthy choice for me... or maybe things are just really annoying and the stars are aligned against me, but the plan was thwarted.
When I called the same Pizza Hut that Andy and I have ordered from time and time again and gave them my number, I was told I could not order because I did not have an in-town number... When I explained that I had ordered before using the same number I was told that that was impossible, and it must have been a pick-up order. (um... No!) So, alas, I gave up, and they lost some money tonight. I thought about trying to give them a bogus number but just figured why mess with it.
And since what I really wanted was a Pizza Hut pizza, I didn't try any of the other Pizza places in town.
So now, here I sit... the craving waves have almost subsided, but I am still left unsatisfied.
Woe is me... the devestation of thwarted Pizza Hut plans...
Message Board Sociology
I have long wanted to see a sociologist do a study on the interactions which occur upon message boards. Lately, the ones that I have frequented for a long time have just plain gotten bizarre. One, I have chosen to leave.
On message boards, you are more free to express parts of yourself. You don't have to worry about people judging you because of how you look, or what age you are, or what clothes you wear. You're anonymous so it's easier to get a little more daring in your sharing.
At the same time, with nothing more than words on a screen you can present yourself in any way you choose. Rather than being freed from the masks you wear in real life, you can construct for yourself a whole new one. You can put whatever foot forward that you want.
The interesting thing is, most of the time, both happen without people really realizing it.
Another phenomenon which has been present on one of my boards recently is the difficulty of differing expectations. This board happens to be one which discusses the writings of a particular author. This has been the perfect environment for people to discuss spiritual, and emotional difficulties they have encountered. The board itself has sections for discussions of theology, discussions of the books, discussions for whatever, and so on and so forth. Some people come there hoping to find people to sympathize with them in their humanity. Some are there to discuss theological and intellectual issues. Some are there just to hang out. Some enjoy the social club.
But sometimes those expectations clash. The people who are there for emotional support don't feel their needs are being met when the intellectual mumbo-jumbo starts flying. The intellectual discussers don't relate to the need some have for support. Some feel that only certain venues of discussion which might lead to debate should be acceptable. Some come in expecting to find only those of a particular theological persuasion only to find that others can read the words of this author and come from a totally different one... And suddenly there is chaos!
Add in the periodical real life meeting, the alliances that are formed behind the scenes from IMs and emails, and the drama that ensues from all of that and things can get very interesting. And so... they have.
What's frusterating is with all of the hidden and non-hidden aspects of things it's difficult to honestly address all forms of difficulty in such a medium. So instead of just one elephant in the room, there's like five.
I find myself drawn to watching it at times like I'm drawn to watching a bad car-wreck. It's probably not entirely healthy, but it surely is interesting.
On message boards, you are more free to express parts of yourself. You don't have to worry about people judging you because of how you look, or what age you are, or what clothes you wear. You're anonymous so it's easier to get a little more daring in your sharing.
At the same time, with nothing more than words on a screen you can present yourself in any way you choose. Rather than being freed from the masks you wear in real life, you can construct for yourself a whole new one. You can put whatever foot forward that you want.
The interesting thing is, most of the time, both happen without people really realizing it.
Another phenomenon which has been present on one of my boards recently is the difficulty of differing expectations. This board happens to be one which discusses the writings of a particular author. This has been the perfect environment for people to discuss spiritual, and emotional difficulties they have encountered. The board itself has sections for discussions of theology, discussions of the books, discussions for whatever, and so on and so forth. Some people come there hoping to find people to sympathize with them in their humanity. Some are there to discuss theological and intellectual issues. Some are there just to hang out. Some enjoy the social club.
But sometimes those expectations clash. The people who are there for emotional support don't feel their needs are being met when the intellectual mumbo-jumbo starts flying. The intellectual discussers don't relate to the need some have for support. Some feel that only certain venues of discussion which might lead to debate should be acceptable. Some come in expecting to find only those of a particular theological persuasion only to find that others can read the words of this author and come from a totally different one... And suddenly there is chaos!
Add in the periodical real life meeting, the alliances that are formed behind the scenes from IMs and emails, and the drama that ensues from all of that and things can get very interesting. And so... they have.
What's frusterating is with all of the hidden and non-hidden aspects of things it's difficult to honestly address all forms of difficulty in such a medium. So instead of just one elephant in the room, there's like five.
I find myself drawn to watching it at times like I'm drawn to watching a bad car-wreck. It's probably not entirely healthy, but it surely is interesting.
12:54 a.m.
So... I don't sleep anymore. Since I've gotten sick it just doesn't happen. I really need to sleep, but I don't. I have a hard time sleeping before Andy gets home. Everything I hear I think might be him. Then add in the coughing. Hopefully when I finally do decide to crash, I'll sleep.
I haven't been very productive lately. Being sick and tired got me in a slump. I'll get my act together yet.
I'm also spending way too much time on the internet... I started trying to scale that back some today with some success (though, here I am at 12:54, now 12:59 am still online).
Today something silly and inconsequential happened that made my day. I have started attending a sign language class at the church. There are two other ladies, me, and the instructor who is about my age (one of these days I will work up the courage to see if she perhaps might accompany me on an ice cream run. She seems to be a kindred spirit). I brought along my ultrasound pics and shared them with pride... and for the first time in a long time, I got to be the center of attention (in person) for my pregnancy. It made my day. Silly isn't it? Most people at church don't even know I'm pregnant. They just think I'm really fat and getting fatter! But today... I was the glowing pregnant one, and it felt good! I figure the two times in a girls life she gets to be the center of attention are when she's married and when she's pregnant, and it's time I got to use my second excuse in person!
Really, the church here has come through for me on so many levels. It is my way of getting out of the house. If I am going somewhere to do something, I'm likely going to the church to do office work, do something for Sunday School, or attend a group or meeting. I still feel pretty lonely. I leave Bible Study some nights feeling totally disconnected but then...
Then wonderful things will happen like, Elaine the church secretary calling just because I had started volunteering and hadn't come in for over a week after I called to explain I was sick. When she found out I was still sick she immediately asked if she could do something--run errands, bring me anything, whatever. First of all, that means somebody knows my name and phone number... and pays attention to my well being! That made me feel so much less alone.
Or today, Pastor David, who had no way of knowing I was sick except through Elaine, made a point today to ask how I was feeling (and also got very excited when I said I was having a girl!).
Little things like that mean THE WORLD to me right now. It's not that I am so lonely, but when the isolated feelings come pounding down those little things make me feel much better.
Perhaps I'll blog more about this later, but I really think part of the 'lonelies' that I am feeling have to do with going from the college social culture to the adult world social culture. It's a lonely adjustment. But when I figure out how friendships work out here, I have every confidence that they'll be just as sweet. In the meantime, I have the knowledge that I have friends all over the country still pulling for me, and I for them. It's just an adjustment to not be able to go to Pokie or Steak-n-Shake with them when I'm awake at 1:15 am with lots to talk about.
I haven't been very productive lately. Being sick and tired got me in a slump. I'll get my act together yet.
I'm also spending way too much time on the internet... I started trying to scale that back some today with some success (though, here I am at 12:54, now 12:59 am still online).
Today something silly and inconsequential happened that made my day. I have started attending a sign language class at the church. There are two other ladies, me, and the instructor who is about my age (one of these days I will work up the courage to see if she perhaps might accompany me on an ice cream run. She seems to be a kindred spirit). I brought along my ultrasound pics and shared them with pride... and for the first time in a long time, I got to be the center of attention (in person) for my pregnancy. It made my day. Silly isn't it? Most people at church don't even know I'm pregnant. They just think I'm really fat and getting fatter! But today... I was the glowing pregnant one, and it felt good! I figure the two times in a girls life she gets to be the center of attention are when she's married and when she's pregnant, and it's time I got to use my second excuse in person!
Really, the church here has come through for me on so many levels. It is my way of getting out of the house. If I am going somewhere to do something, I'm likely going to the church to do office work, do something for Sunday School, or attend a group or meeting. I still feel pretty lonely. I leave Bible Study some nights feeling totally disconnected but then...
Then wonderful things will happen like, Elaine the church secretary calling just because I had started volunteering and hadn't come in for over a week after I called to explain I was sick. When she found out I was still sick she immediately asked if she could do something--run errands, bring me anything, whatever. First of all, that means somebody knows my name and phone number... and pays attention to my well being! That made me feel so much less alone.
Or today, Pastor David, who had no way of knowing I was sick except through Elaine, made a point today to ask how I was feeling (and also got very excited when I said I was having a girl!).
Little things like that mean THE WORLD to me right now. It's not that I am so lonely, but when the isolated feelings come pounding down those little things make me feel much better.
Perhaps I'll blog more about this later, but I really think part of the 'lonelies' that I am feeling have to do with going from the college social culture to the adult world social culture. It's a lonely adjustment. But when I figure out how friendships work out here, I have every confidence that they'll be just as sweet. In the meantime, I have the knowledge that I have friends all over the country still pulling for me, and I for them. It's just an adjustment to not be able to go to Pokie or Steak-n-Shake with them when I'm awake at 1:15 am with lots to talk about.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Lighter impairment
Halloween is here, and Andy is at work. I wanted to light our jack-o-lantern (because I can't figure out if tonight is trick-or-treat or last night was supposed to be and we just didn't have any takers), but I have this problem... I have never been able to light a stupid lighter, or even strike a match with success.
I know. It's bizarre, and crazy, and weird! Unless it's one of those torchy kind of lighters, I'm just stuck. I tried, and tried, and tried to light our jack-o-lantern, and even got the lighter to light a few times, but couldn't get the candle lit.
So... I allowed my neighbor to see me in my patheticness. I knocked on the door and asked for help. Thank goodness, kind neighbor Dave cheerfully helped me out and didn't say anything about how crazy I am. So, the jack-o-lantern is lit. Still no trick-or-treaters....
I am still sick, but have some OTC medicines I'm going to try and hopefully that will help. Bless Andy's heart. He's been so patient with all my coughing and hacking and being grouchy because I can't sleep.
I'll get to go from Halloween to Christmas this week! One of my big tasks over the next few days will be to get our room ready for Sunday School and get things lined out for our Sunday School lessons for this next six weeks. We'll be telling the story of the Magi in several different ways. We were told to 'decorate, decorate, decorate,' and so I shall.
I know I'm supposed to be humbuggy about Christmas festivities coming so soon. But I have to be honest. I'm am very excited about this year's Christmas already. My husband will be home! Last year we started celebrating right after Halloween because Andy left for Basic Training in December. This year, I want the season to last and last and last because it's OURS together.
Our Christmas was still ours together last year. But it was very different. I learned in that short separation that somehow you are still with one another even if geographically you're not so much. I was grateful for the lesson.
But how delightful it will be to wake up beside my husband on Christmas morning, to walk in the snow with him... to read the Christmas account in Luke and have him sitting near me during the church services. He'll be able to help read "The Night Before Christmas" to my belly too!!! It will be fun to fall asleep to WHITE CHRISTMAS with him, bake coffee cake in the morning, and start forming our home traditions.
It's funny. I know we will have two separate kinds of traditions in our family. The 'with Daddy' traditions, and the 'missing Daddy' traditions. We'll work hard to make both sets very, very special.
Well, I have blathered on long enough. I can report with joy that we had our first trick-or-treater!!!! I'm so excited! He was a cute little chicken too! (Really, he was dressed up like a Chicken!)
Happy Halloween... and don't be so humbuggy about Christmas excitement so early. For some, it's a blessing! And for those that will be missing people this Christmas... my prayers are with you, and my heart hurts for you.
I know. It's bizarre, and crazy, and weird! Unless it's one of those torchy kind of lighters, I'm just stuck. I tried, and tried, and tried to light our jack-o-lantern, and even got the lighter to light a few times, but couldn't get the candle lit.
So... I allowed my neighbor to see me in my patheticness. I knocked on the door and asked for help. Thank goodness, kind neighbor Dave cheerfully helped me out and didn't say anything about how crazy I am. So, the jack-o-lantern is lit. Still no trick-or-treaters....
I am still sick, but have some OTC medicines I'm going to try and hopefully that will help. Bless Andy's heart. He's been so patient with all my coughing and hacking and being grouchy because I can't sleep.
I'll get to go from Halloween to Christmas this week! One of my big tasks over the next few days will be to get our room ready for Sunday School and get things lined out for our Sunday School lessons for this next six weeks. We'll be telling the story of the Magi in several different ways. We were told to 'decorate, decorate, decorate,' and so I shall.
I know I'm supposed to be humbuggy about Christmas festivities coming so soon. But I have to be honest. I'm am very excited about this year's Christmas already. My husband will be home! Last year we started celebrating right after Halloween because Andy left for Basic Training in December. This year, I want the season to last and last and last because it's OURS together.
Our Christmas was still ours together last year. But it was very different. I learned in that short separation that somehow you are still with one another even if geographically you're not so much. I was grateful for the lesson.
But how delightful it will be to wake up beside my husband on Christmas morning, to walk in the snow with him... to read the Christmas account in Luke and have him sitting near me during the church services. He'll be able to help read "The Night Before Christmas" to my belly too!!! It will be fun to fall asleep to WHITE CHRISTMAS with him, bake coffee cake in the morning, and start forming our home traditions.
It's funny. I know we will have two separate kinds of traditions in our family. The 'with Daddy' traditions, and the 'missing Daddy' traditions. We'll work hard to make both sets very, very special.
Well, I have blathered on long enough. I can report with joy that we had our first trick-or-treater!!!! I'm so excited! He was a cute little chicken too! (Really, he was dressed up like a Chicken!)
Happy Halloween... and don't be so humbuggy about Christmas excitement so early. For some, it's a blessing! And for those that will be missing people this Christmas... my prayers are with you, and my heart hurts for you.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
10 Days....
I've been sick for 10 days now. Not just 'oh a little cough, but life is pretty normal' sick... Sick like no energy, coughing so hard that I don't know how all of my organs stay in me, and overall feeling like crap. It wouldn't be so bad if I could get some sleep at night. But... last night was day four of having an awful time trying to sleep. For some reason my body thinks the night is the best time to try to get rid of the gunk I'm congested with... So I spend about half of it holding on for dear life as horridly deep coughs wrack my body.
It's bronchitis, as I've said. I don't have symptoms that would lead me to believe that it's really gotten any worse, and I've read it can take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to clear up. The doctor said to just tough it out. I'm not that worried, and I certainly know it could be worse.
But it is wearing to just not be able to get a good night's sleep, and never feel like I feel 'better'--Especially when energy levels are screwy anyway because of pregnancy. I suppose I can look at it as practice for when the little one comes... but darn it, if that's the case I want to be able to rest NOW!
Anyway... I just felt like whining.
In other news, we got our jack-o-lantern carved last night. He is a very happy pumpkin. He is also very large--over 30 lbs!!! I hope that we get trick-or-treaters tonight... That would make me happy, and maybe we could meet some more of our neighbors!
Another totally random thought... sometimes it is hard as I wait to find my social group (whether I ever will or not remains to be seen) to feel like anybody is excited about this pregnancy but me. Andy is excited of course... but I have no one to go shopping with. No one who really wants to listen to the details of my ultrsound, or sympathize with me about the oddities of pregnancy... It is discouraging. But again, that's probably because I'm feeling lousy and have too much time to think. I know folks from school and home care, but it is hard for me to see that sometimes.
Enough whining. If I feel up to it, today will be a baking day. In fact, perhaps I will go rise above my energy level and make Andy some breakfast. I've been thinking about coffee cake at times that I've had an appetite. I am going to choose to be happy and celebrate today even if I do feel like crap!
It's bronchitis, as I've said. I don't have symptoms that would lead me to believe that it's really gotten any worse, and I've read it can take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to clear up. The doctor said to just tough it out. I'm not that worried, and I certainly know it could be worse.
But it is wearing to just not be able to get a good night's sleep, and never feel like I feel 'better'--Especially when energy levels are screwy anyway because of pregnancy. I suppose I can look at it as practice for when the little one comes... but darn it, if that's the case I want to be able to rest NOW!
Anyway... I just felt like whining.
In other news, we got our jack-o-lantern carved last night. He is a very happy pumpkin. He is also very large--over 30 lbs!!! I hope that we get trick-or-treaters tonight... That would make me happy, and maybe we could meet some more of our neighbors!
Another totally random thought... sometimes it is hard as I wait to find my social group (whether I ever will or not remains to be seen) to feel like anybody is excited about this pregnancy but me. Andy is excited of course... but I have no one to go shopping with. No one who really wants to listen to the details of my ultrsound, or sympathize with me about the oddities of pregnancy... It is discouraging. But again, that's probably because I'm feeling lousy and have too much time to think. I know folks from school and home care, but it is hard for me to see that sometimes.
Enough whining. If I feel up to it, today will be a baking day. In fact, perhaps I will go rise above my energy level and make Andy some breakfast. I've been thinking about coffee cake at times that I've had an appetite. I am going to choose to be happy and celebrate today even if I do feel like crap!
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
God's Creation
I know I've already posted more today than anyone would ever really hope to read, but I just simply had to comment one more time.
Between seeing my daughter in the ultra-sound today--seeing her little arms, legs, feet, hands, nose, mouth, the chambers of her heart, her kidneys, everything--and the glory of the lunar eclipse tonight I am taken aback by the amazing handi-work of God's creation. I have taken that for granted lately, but I was so blessed to have it cascading down all around me today.
Even this morning when I went to the doctor's office, I had a beautiful harvest moon looming over the horizon on it's way to sleep for the day, fog wisping over the mountains and islands in the sound, and the crisp outline of Mt. Baker somehow coming through despite the fog. It was amazing!
I am so thankful. I am thankful for the delicate knitting God does when he puts wee humans together. I am humbled that he allowed Andy and I to participate in this act of creation. I am amazed by the phenomenon of a lunar eclipse, and truly blessed by the delicate glory of morning.
I've needed a reminder of God's goodness. And Lo and behold I can say with Mitch McVicker--"There you are... in front of me!"
Between seeing my daughter in the ultra-sound today--seeing her little arms, legs, feet, hands, nose, mouth, the chambers of her heart, her kidneys, everything--and the glory of the lunar eclipse tonight I am taken aback by the amazing handi-work of God's creation. I have taken that for granted lately, but I was so blessed to have it cascading down all around me today.
Even this morning when I went to the doctor's office, I had a beautiful harvest moon looming over the horizon on it's way to sleep for the day, fog wisping over the mountains and islands in the sound, and the crisp outline of Mt. Baker somehow coming through despite the fog. It was amazing!
I am so thankful. I am thankful for the delicate knitting God does when he puts wee humans together. I am humbled that he allowed Andy and I to participate in this act of creation. I am amazed by the phenomenon of a lunar eclipse, and truly blessed by the delicate glory of morning.
I've needed a reminder of God's goodness. And Lo and behold I can say with Mitch McVicker--"There you are... in front of me!"
It's a.....
Well, here is the entry we've all been waiting for. Ok, so just mostly me... but still here it is!
We did have our ultrasound. It turns out that you can drink TOO MUCH water. Bless the technician. She excused me for a moment, and when I came back I was SOOO much more comfortable! (I seriously thought my kidneys and bladder would explode! hehe)
So for the good stuff. Little baby was very, very active. And we found out that...
well...
it's...
a GIRL!!
The tech. was about 80% sure. Still no guarantee, but enough for us to graduate from using gender neutral terms.
She waved at us, and punched back at the technician. Rolled, and rolled, and rolled. We got to see her heartbeat and then the tech. zoomed in and we could see all the individual chambers of her heart. It was so neat.
Now that we can put a 'she' to things, it all feels so much more real. I keep thinking about how I'm awful at doing hair... but a sweet little girl. How wonderful!!! I can just see Andy threatening her dates now. She will definitely be Daddy's little girl.
And the thought that made me cry was the thought of when her Grandpa H. sees her. I can't wait to see THAT look of instant love.
Both Grandma's of course were elated when we called. We're pretty elated too.
And that, is the news of the day.
We did have our ultrasound. It turns out that you can drink TOO MUCH water. Bless the technician. She excused me for a moment, and when I came back I was SOOO much more comfortable! (I seriously thought my kidneys and bladder would explode! hehe)
So for the good stuff. Little baby was very, very active. And we found out that...
well...
it's...
a GIRL!!
The tech. was about 80% sure. Still no guarantee, but enough for us to graduate from using gender neutral terms.
She waved at us, and punched back at the technician. Rolled, and rolled, and rolled. We got to see her heartbeat and then the tech. zoomed in and we could see all the individual chambers of her heart. It was so neat.
Now that we can put a 'she' to things, it all feels so much more real. I keep thinking about how I'm awful at doing hair... but a sweet little girl. How wonderful!!! I can just see Andy threatening her dates now. She will definitely be Daddy's little girl.
And the thought that made me cry was the thought of when her Grandpa H. sees her. I can't wait to see THAT look of instant love.
Both Grandma's of course were elated when we called. We're pretty elated too.
And that, is the news of the day.
Good news/Bad news
No... I haven't had the u/s yet. Patience people!
Well, I went to the doctor at the crack of dawn this morning (after not getting a wink of sleep from coughing).
The good news is... I don't have pneumonia.
The bad news is... The doctor couldn't give me any meds. I figured as much. I did some research and realized Bronchitis is usually viral, and thus doesn't respond to anti-biotics. So... I will stick to my home treatment of hot peppermint tea and warm baths.
And about the ultrasound later today:
The good news is... I get to see my bean on the screen in a few hours.
The bad news is... I am seriously going to drown from all this water that I'm not allowed to jetison! Ugh! As soon as I am done revelling in the beauty of my unborn child they will indeed need to SHOW ME THE BATHROOM!!!!
In other news... I think I've finally made some progress in tracking down my friend, Tara! That makes me happy!
Unless I post again just to psych people out, the next post will indeed be about the ultrasound!
Well, I went to the doctor at the crack of dawn this morning (after not getting a wink of sleep from coughing).
The good news is... I don't have pneumonia.
The bad news is... The doctor couldn't give me any meds. I figured as much. I did some research and realized Bronchitis is usually viral, and thus doesn't respond to anti-biotics. So... I will stick to my home treatment of hot peppermint tea and warm baths.
And about the ultrasound later today:
The good news is... I get to see my bean on the screen in a few hours.
The bad news is... I am seriously going to drown from all this water that I'm not allowed to jetison! Ugh! As soon as I am done revelling in the beauty of my unborn child they will indeed need to SHOW ME THE BATHROOM!!!!
In other news... I think I've finally made some progress in tracking down my friend, Tara! That makes me happy!
Unless I post again just to psych people out, the next post will indeed be about the ultrasound!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
One More Week...
Only one more week until Election Day and all I can think is THANK GOD!!! I can't wait for the verbal fist fights to just plain be over with for a while... The hostility and tension is exhausting, and the pigeon-holing is annoying... No matter who gets elected, I just can't wait til it's over!
Monday, October 25, 2004
Sick of Being Sick
It's been a while since I've written here. All avenues of Internet connection died in our home for about a week. It was good for me in some ways. I was thinking of doing an Internet Fast anyway, and that just clinched it. I made some progress in reading THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV--maybe even enough that I'll actually finish it this time!
I seem to have come down with Bronchitis. Kind of odd since I don't remember having any upper respiratory problems... Just lower resp. with a vengeance. I was lucky to be able to get a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to getting some kick-butt anti-biotics... until then, I'm laying low.
Wednesday is an exciting day for another reason! It's Ultrasound day!!!! Woohoo!!! Hopefully I will have delightful news to report here that afternoon.
Until then, you can find me on the couch sipping peppermint tea, reading Russian novels, or just staring blankly into the magic box known as the Television.
I seem to have come down with Bronchitis. Kind of odd since I don't remember having any upper respiratory problems... Just lower resp. with a vengeance. I was lucky to be able to get a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to getting some kick-butt anti-biotics... until then, I'm laying low.
Wednesday is an exciting day for another reason! It's Ultrasound day!!!! Woohoo!!! Hopefully I will have delightful news to report here that afternoon.
Until then, you can find me on the couch sipping peppermint tea, reading Russian novels, or just staring blankly into the magic box known as the Television.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Thinkative
One of my favorite invented-by-me words is 'Thinkative.' It's different than thoughtful... Really it is. And it's not quite pensive either.
Tonight I am thinkative. But it feels good. I haven't taken time to be thinkative in quite a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I am afraid to be because thinkative involves things that aren't concrete, and lets face it... Things have been less than concrete for a while now! I don't need more of that! Maybe it's because I haven't had time in all the adjusting. Maybe it's because I've had so many other things to think about besides thinkative topics.
Tonight though, I was thinkative. I thought about where I am with God stuff, and where some of my less than healthy behaviours come from. I thought about churches and communities. I thought about my being thinkative.
I thought about questions and answers. I am afraid I am losing my questions. One of the things I have liked most about myself is my ability to ask questions, and my persistence in doing so. In college I met a couple people who were full of answers... At first I felt inferior because I didn't have many of those. Then I realized that my questions were a gift as well.
But I've stated more than asked lately. I've felt myself growing dogmatic in ways that I didn't expect. And what's more, the things that I had more questions about than answers--specifically faith things--I seem to have just kind of 'put down.'
So... I am going to try to practice asking questions again. When hormones don't have the best of me, I will even practice being thinkative. (Thinkative+Hormones could be a volatile combination!!!). These are gifts I need to hone!
Tonight I am thinkative. But it feels good. I haven't taken time to be thinkative in quite a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I am afraid to be because thinkative involves things that aren't concrete, and lets face it... Things have been less than concrete for a while now! I don't need more of that! Maybe it's because I haven't had time in all the adjusting. Maybe it's because I've had so many other things to think about besides thinkative topics.
Tonight though, I was thinkative. I thought about where I am with God stuff, and where some of my less than healthy behaviours come from. I thought about churches and communities. I thought about my being thinkative.
I thought about questions and answers. I am afraid I am losing my questions. One of the things I have liked most about myself is my ability to ask questions, and my persistence in doing so. In college I met a couple people who were full of answers... At first I felt inferior because I didn't have many of those. Then I realized that my questions were a gift as well.
But I've stated more than asked lately. I've felt myself growing dogmatic in ways that I didn't expect. And what's more, the things that I had more questions about than answers--specifically faith things--I seem to have just kind of 'put down.'
So... I am going to try to practice asking questions again. When hormones don't have the best of me, I will even practice being thinkative. (Thinkative+Hormones could be a volatile combination!!!). These are gifts I need to hone!
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Left Behind--not the books
Sometimes, I feel left behind. I got an email today from a friend that I went to camp with way back when. We both had our visions of changing the world and doing something powerful to the honor of God.
Well... she's off in Morocco doing just that. She's fighting for women there who don't have a voice, working to set up programs to promote better relations between the Arab and Western world, she's living in a different country, and busy at work for people who need help, including people like me with a narrow western world view.
I'm... in my living room folding laundry, organizing cupboards, spending too much time on the internet, watching too much t.v, knitting, trying to get through a Russian novel, and hoping that my short social excursions, to church functions mainly, are enough for me to call myself 'busy.'
I know that I am also sustaining a little life within my body and preparing to be a mother--something I've always believed was extremely noble... Who knows who this child will become?
But I guess growing up, I always saw myself doing more. I don't regret my choices to get married and start a life that would cause so much displacement or the choice to start a family, but sometimes I feel like I should be doing more... Like the potential that I always thought was within me is wasted somehow. It's a discouraging feeling. I always wanted to be a 'force for the kingdom.' Now I'm hardly even a force for the dust-bunnies to reckon with.
It's days like this that I think of running into my old history teacher the day we left to come to the Northwest, and him asking what I was doing these days. When I told him that I wasn't working, disappointment crossed his face... and hit down to the bottom of my toes too.
I know it's just a day, and I know that this is just part of this season of life. I know that there will be chances for me to make a difference down many different avenues that I'm sure to stumble down, or even stroll down with purpose. But today... part of me wishes I was doing something as powerful as working in Morocco.
Well... she's off in Morocco doing just that. She's fighting for women there who don't have a voice, working to set up programs to promote better relations between the Arab and Western world, she's living in a different country, and busy at work for people who need help, including people like me with a narrow western world view.
I'm... in my living room folding laundry, organizing cupboards, spending too much time on the internet, watching too much t.v, knitting, trying to get through a Russian novel, and hoping that my short social excursions, to church functions mainly, are enough for me to call myself 'busy.'
I know that I am also sustaining a little life within my body and preparing to be a mother--something I've always believed was extremely noble... Who knows who this child will become?
But I guess growing up, I always saw myself doing more. I don't regret my choices to get married and start a life that would cause so much displacement or the choice to start a family, but sometimes I feel like I should be doing more... Like the potential that I always thought was within me is wasted somehow. It's a discouraging feeling. I always wanted to be a 'force for the kingdom.' Now I'm hardly even a force for the dust-bunnies to reckon with.
It's days like this that I think of running into my old history teacher the day we left to come to the Northwest, and him asking what I was doing these days. When I told him that I wasn't working, disappointment crossed his face... and hit down to the bottom of my toes too.
I know it's just a day, and I know that this is just part of this season of life. I know that there will be chances for me to make a difference down many different avenues that I'm sure to stumble down, or even stroll down with purpose. But today... part of me wishes I was doing something as powerful as working in Morocco.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Doula! and... miscellaneous
We met with our prospective Doula this morning. We really like her! Before you ask me, "What is a doula?!" I will tell you. A doula basically is a person who supports moms during labor. They help you to cope with the pain of childbirth through different means than doctors might. They're there to suggest position changes, be an advocate and go-between for mom to doc relations, and there to be a calming influence altogether.
Anyway, her name is Beth and I just really think she'll work out great. She is not against interventions as some doulas are, but she IS committed to making a mom's birth experience positive, and to following the lead of mom and mom's body.
It's a relief to us to feel so good about using her as our doula because of the high likelihood that Andy won't be around when baby makes his or her appearance. This way we KNOW there will be someone here to support me. Plus, we think she will really help to make this a very positive experience for us.
In other news... I officially gave up one of my addictions today. After too much drama at my military wives message board, and seeing too many people hurt, I decided since I was unable to make a difference by being a presence there, that it was time to go. It sounds silly, but this message board has been my main source of support as I've plunged into military wifeness. It's scary to know that it's not there anymore. However... I think this is the right decision. Maybe this will open up other avenues for me somehow. I will miss that place of support, but I just couldn't stand by and watch people get squashed for having a minority opinion anymore. I'm quite sure by noon tomorrow I will be going through extensive symptoms of withdrawl, but I will survive.
Anyway, her name is Beth and I just really think she'll work out great. She is not against interventions as some doulas are, but she IS committed to making a mom's birth experience positive, and to following the lead of mom and mom's body.
It's a relief to us to feel so good about using her as our doula because of the high likelihood that Andy won't be around when baby makes his or her appearance. This way we KNOW there will be someone here to support me. Plus, we think she will really help to make this a very positive experience for us.
In other news... I officially gave up one of my addictions today. After too much drama at my military wives message board, and seeing too many people hurt, I decided since I was unable to make a difference by being a presence there, that it was time to go. It sounds silly, but this message board has been my main source of support as I've plunged into military wifeness. It's scary to know that it's not there anymore. However... I think this is the right decision. Maybe this will open up other avenues for me somehow. I will miss that place of support, but I just couldn't stand by and watch people get squashed for having a minority opinion anymore. I'm quite sure by noon tomorrow I will be going through extensive symptoms of withdrawl, but I will survive.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Perfect Day
Well, we survived our first week of night shift. Yay us! Today was very nearly the perfect day. We had a quiet morning. Stayed home, bummed around. After lunch we took off to have some fun. We stopped at an art studio here in town with some really beautiful pottery, and some unique quilts. Andy talked to the owner about getting a tea pot without glaze on the inside so that the tea will season the pot over time. (Christmas Present possibilities).
Then we took off to a nearby town that has a really neat downtown area. We were hungry so we stopped for lunch at a restaurant called The Mad Crab. It was the first time we'd been there, and I'm pretty sure it's my favorite place on the island so far! You have a beautiful view of the water from anywhere in the restaurant. We sat down and watched the gulls play, and some loons play peak-a-boo (the birds... not weird people). We think we may even have seen an otter. They had really good food too. We had a pizza with a very thin crust, but they also had sea food, pasta, and other things that even I would eat. Anyway, it was a nice leisurely meal and just exactly what I needed. They had a wood burning stove that smelled SOOO good, and it was the perfect kind of day for being cozy inside somewhere like that.
Then, we drove around that part of the island for a bit. We stopped at the Hummingbird Gardens and Shop because they had Christmas lights inside (those soo grabbed me from the cold, dreary day).
Then we came home and watched a movie, I did some knitting, and we had some hot cocoa.
It was just such a nice day. My favorite day here so far, I think. As a Navy wife you make perfect days like that EXTRA special because you always know you're making up for days you won't be able to have sometime soon. We didn't think of that today though, we just lived it and loved it. By the way, I love my husband.
Then we took off to a nearby town that has a really neat downtown area. We were hungry so we stopped for lunch at a restaurant called The Mad Crab. It was the first time we'd been there, and I'm pretty sure it's my favorite place on the island so far! You have a beautiful view of the water from anywhere in the restaurant. We sat down and watched the gulls play, and some loons play peak-a-boo (the birds... not weird people). We think we may even have seen an otter. They had really good food too. We had a pizza with a very thin crust, but they also had sea food, pasta, and other things that even I would eat. Anyway, it was a nice leisurely meal and just exactly what I needed. They had a wood burning stove that smelled SOOO good, and it was the perfect kind of day for being cozy inside somewhere like that.
Then, we drove around that part of the island for a bit. We stopped at the Hummingbird Gardens and Shop because they had Christmas lights inside (those soo grabbed me from the cold, dreary day).
Then we came home and watched a movie, I did some knitting, and we had some hot cocoa.
It was just such a nice day. My favorite day here so far, I think. As a Navy wife you make perfect days like that EXTRA special because you always know you're making up for days you won't be able to have sometime soon. We didn't think of that today though, we just lived it and loved it. By the way, I love my husband.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
My Poor Cat
Chester cat had quite a day today... He has Feline Urinary Syndrome (rough translatoin: Rocks in his pee). He had to go to the vet today to get checked out. Of course they poked and prodded him and weren't very patient waiting for his urine sample. He was there over 5 hours before all was said and done.
Then he was back in the car in his kitty carrier... Yeah, we smelled that smell, and you know what that means! Bath time!
So poor Ches came home and was thrown in the bathtub where dad got him all cleaned up. He looks so funny when he's all wet--looks about half as small as normal. Then I was mean and helped him dry off with a blow dryer... Poor guy.
He's sitting in a sun spot now. He has thoroughly licked himself dry and he's healing from the trauma. I expect he'll be over needing some cuddling soon.
Poor little guy...
Then he was back in the car in his kitty carrier... Yeah, we smelled that smell, and you know what that means! Bath time!
So poor Ches came home and was thrown in the bathtub where dad got him all cleaned up. He looks so funny when he's all wet--looks about half as small as normal. Then I was mean and helped him dry off with a blow dryer... Poor guy.
He's sitting in a sun spot now. He has thoroughly licked himself dry and he's healing from the trauma. I expect he'll be over needing some cuddling soon.
Poor little guy...
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
God in Nolan's eyes.
I remembered this tonight at small group.
In high school and college I took care of 4 kids in my home town. One of them, Nolan, has autism. We were asked a question today about when we remember feeling God's presence, and suddenly I thought of Noley.
I remember one day driving in to their house after I'd said good-bye to my grandparents, feeling that it might have been the last time I did get to see them. I cried all the way in, composed myself long enough to look put together for Nolan's mom and dad and then sat down in Nolan's room to be quiet... then I started crying again.
I remember Nolan crawling up on my lap, hugging me and snuggling, giving me kisses. He kept reaching up and touching my face, and kept doing that until I had stopped crying. Here was this little boy who was supposed to have such trouble understanding the world around him... but he had entered into my world in such a real way. And I knew in that moment that it wasn't Nolan on my lap, it was Jesus.
It was such a neat thing to remember... I sure do miss my Nolan.
In high school and college I took care of 4 kids in my home town. One of them, Nolan, has autism. We were asked a question today about when we remember feeling God's presence, and suddenly I thought of Noley.
I remember one day driving in to their house after I'd said good-bye to my grandparents, feeling that it might have been the last time I did get to see them. I cried all the way in, composed myself long enough to look put together for Nolan's mom and dad and then sat down in Nolan's room to be quiet... then I started crying again.
I remember Nolan crawling up on my lap, hugging me and snuggling, giving me kisses. He kept reaching up and touching my face, and kept doing that until I had stopped crying. Here was this little boy who was supposed to have such trouble understanding the world around him... but he had entered into my world in such a real way. And I knew in that moment that it wasn't Nolan on my lap, it was Jesus.
It was such a neat thing to remember... I sure do miss my Nolan.
Renovare
In an effort to be involved, and busy, and also to keep focusing on my relationship with God, I decided to join a small group. I got very excited when I found out that this church was offering a Renovare group. I'd heard good things about that, and Rags didn't run screaming in the other direction when they heard the word. (hehe)
The first couple meetings I felt kind of unsure about everything. The ladies in my group are mostly my mom's age, and I'm really hoping to meet some ladies closer to my place in life. And... well, I just wasn't sure it would feel safe to share. But tonight was different. Tonight we started getting comfortable with one another, and were able to share. I was able to begin to hear the hearts of the ladies in the group, and found that I felt ok not sugar coating things--they didn't seem to be either!
This week, I will be practicing an excercise to learn about the contemplative tradition. I am anxious, but excited. I've found it very difficult to focus lately when wanting to spend time with God, and I've been rather wondersome about how to even relate to God at this point in my meness. I am excited to see what these disciplines may hold.
Over all... Good stuff.
The first couple meetings I felt kind of unsure about everything. The ladies in my group are mostly my mom's age, and I'm really hoping to meet some ladies closer to my place in life. And... well, I just wasn't sure it would feel safe to share. But tonight was different. Tonight we started getting comfortable with one another, and were able to share. I was able to begin to hear the hearts of the ladies in the group, and found that I felt ok not sugar coating things--they didn't seem to be either!
This week, I will be practicing an excercise to learn about the contemplative tradition. I am anxious, but excited. I've found it very difficult to focus lately when wanting to spend time with God, and I've been rather wondersome about how to even relate to God at this point in my meness. I am excited to see what these disciplines may hold.
Over all... Good stuff.
Monday, October 04, 2004
In the Family Way
Of all the euphemisms, that you don't have to use anymore because people aren't afraid to say, 'pregnant,' I think my favorite is, "In the family way." When we decided to start trying to get pregnant we knew we wanted a family. We felt like our homes (remember we move a lot) would be more homey if a family were living there rather than just 'us.'
Somedays I am definitely overwhelmed at all the ways things are going to change. But then I remember that I know very few people (none) who would ever tell me that they regretted HAVING a child. Our world will be shaken up, but it will expend exponentially in love.
I wonder what sorts of traditions we'll have that our child will remember. I wonder what sort of routine we'll find to be our framework of stability.
And somedays I just wonder whether it'll be a girl or boy, what color eyes baby will have, what color hair, how small or large baby will be. And on those good days, I think more about rocking chairs than diaper pails. More about snuggling baby close, than 2 a.m. feedings. And I remember that it will be those things that I'll remember and treasure up in my heart as this little one gets older (all too fast).
I can't wait to see the kind of daddy Andy will be, or to see what sort of mommy I can be. I can't wait to remember childlikeness together as we experience the discovery of the world with our child.
Yes, I like to be in the family way. I'm glad we have a family.
Somedays I am definitely overwhelmed at all the ways things are going to change. But then I remember that I know very few people (none) who would ever tell me that they regretted HAVING a child. Our world will be shaken up, but it will expend exponentially in love.
I wonder what sorts of traditions we'll have that our child will remember. I wonder what sort of routine we'll find to be our framework of stability.
And somedays I just wonder whether it'll be a girl or boy, what color eyes baby will have, what color hair, how small or large baby will be. And on those good days, I think more about rocking chairs than diaper pails. More about snuggling baby close, than 2 a.m. feedings. And I remember that it will be those things that I'll remember and treasure up in my heart as this little one gets older (all too fast).
I can't wait to see the kind of daddy Andy will be, or to see what sort of mommy I can be. I can't wait to remember childlikeness together as we experience the discovery of the world with our child.
Yes, I like to be in the family way. I'm glad we have a family.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Baby Kicking, Church, and other Noncategoricals
It's been a good weekend. Andy got most of Friday off because he started the night shift today. We spent Friday evening doing some shopping in a town nearby. We visited a Barnes and Noble and boy did I go overboard... The most exciting purchase was The Night Before Christmas, which we got for the baby. I can't wait until Christmas time when I can read it to my belly!!!
After shopping we watched a movie and while I was laying there watching I am almost positive I felt the baby kick. :) It sort of felt like my belly moved without my permission. What a delight!!! I think I have dealt with a bit of prenatal depression with this pregnancy, but I'm coming out of it. FEELING the baby move was just such a joy--such a feeling of connection! I can't wait to meet this little one.
This morning, church was a blessing. We are in a church that is highly unique if only because both Andy and I feel comfortable there. The really unique thing was that the pastor spent part of his sermon time confessing what he feels have been his weaknesses of late in the church. He was willing to be so humble and broken in front of us. It was amazing to us, and a confirmation that this may be our church 'home' for now. It also made me reflect on how difficult it must be to be a pastor... to be trying to orchestrate the workings of your church and letting God move and getting all sorts of feedback from your congregation. I was convicted about how I've treated pastors at other times, one in particular, to whom I contributed much cynicism and complaint, little encouragement, and when he was pushed out of our church I said not a word believing that dysfunctional body I believed in was doing God's will. *Puke*
It is so refreshing to be in a church that feels like home.... so wonderful to be with a body of people that I feel safe to be real with.
Lots of things struck me in a unique way this A.M. I was also greeted this morning by a lady who recognized me from small group. I walked in and she lit up--because I was there. It was the first time since we've been here that I didn't feel like a stranger. Later in the service, during the children's moment, the pastor had the children put their hands on the communion table to pray a blessing... Seeing those little ones blessing such a beautiful part of the church was just amazing. And then during communion, a mother had brought her little one with her to the rail and Pastor, rather than skipping over him, prayed a blessing over him--that did evoke some tears.
Now, Andy is at work for his first day of night shift. I must admit my anxiety manifested itself once again as I settle into this new shift. I'm not sure when to do things. It's so small, I know. I think perhaps because things have been changing so much lately, and I am anticipating even more change, this overwhelms me. Soon we'll be settled in though, this I know.
This is getting long, but on another tangent entirely, I do worry about Andy being gone when the baby is born. There is a good chance he will be. That hurts to think about. What hurts worse is knowing that soon after he meets the baby, he will leave for a short span of months, come back for a bit and then be gone for a long span of months. I imagine myself a nervous new mommy feeling so alone... but it will be another crucible to develop trust, and to remember hope. When the time comes I will awake each morning, do what needs done, and get through it.
Maybe someday I will stick with one topic that is thoughtful and poignant through these entries... or not... Until then, the chronicling of my mundane (or maybe not) goings-on will continue.
After shopping we watched a movie and while I was laying there watching I am almost positive I felt the baby kick. :) It sort of felt like my belly moved without my permission. What a delight!!! I think I have dealt with a bit of prenatal depression with this pregnancy, but I'm coming out of it. FEELING the baby move was just such a joy--such a feeling of connection! I can't wait to meet this little one.
This morning, church was a blessing. We are in a church that is highly unique if only because both Andy and I feel comfortable there. The really unique thing was that the pastor spent part of his sermon time confessing what he feels have been his weaknesses of late in the church. He was willing to be so humble and broken in front of us. It was amazing to us, and a confirmation that this may be our church 'home' for now. It also made me reflect on how difficult it must be to be a pastor... to be trying to orchestrate the workings of your church and letting God move and getting all sorts of feedback from your congregation. I was convicted about how I've treated pastors at other times, one in particular, to whom I contributed much cynicism and complaint, little encouragement, and when he was pushed out of our church I said not a word believing that dysfunctional body I believed in was doing God's will. *Puke*
It is so refreshing to be in a church that feels like home.... so wonderful to be with a body of people that I feel safe to be real with.
Lots of things struck me in a unique way this A.M. I was also greeted this morning by a lady who recognized me from small group. I walked in and she lit up--because I was there. It was the first time since we've been here that I didn't feel like a stranger. Later in the service, during the children's moment, the pastor had the children put their hands on the communion table to pray a blessing... Seeing those little ones blessing such a beautiful part of the church was just amazing. And then during communion, a mother had brought her little one with her to the rail and Pastor, rather than skipping over him, prayed a blessing over him--that did evoke some tears.
Now, Andy is at work for his first day of night shift. I must admit my anxiety manifested itself once again as I settle into this new shift. I'm not sure when to do things. It's so small, I know. I think perhaps because things have been changing so much lately, and I am anticipating even more change, this overwhelms me. Soon we'll be settled in though, this I know.
This is getting long, but on another tangent entirely, I do worry about Andy being gone when the baby is born. There is a good chance he will be. That hurts to think about. What hurts worse is knowing that soon after he meets the baby, he will leave for a short span of months, come back for a bit and then be gone for a long span of months. I imagine myself a nervous new mommy feeling so alone... but it will be another crucible to develop trust, and to remember hope. When the time comes I will awake each morning, do what needs done, and get through it.
Maybe someday I will stick with one topic that is thoughtful and poignant through these entries... or not... Until then, the chronicling of my mundane (or maybe not) goings-on will continue.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Hello, Hello
Inspired by another Ragamuffin, I decided to add my thoughts to the fray of blogs out there. Maybe I need a project (maybe I need a life!). Maybe I need a place to process. Maybe I hope that something from this lifeness might strike a chord with someone who might happen to read these musings. I'm not sure. But here I am, blogging away.
A little background on me. I'm 23. Married to my best friend, a Sailor in the U.S. Navy. I'm expecting my first child. Life and ordinary transitions have turned me upside down in the last few months, but I'm hanging on. I'm a Christian, though sometimes I wince at the word. I consider myself a Ragamuffin of sorts. Messed up, imperfect, but loved.
A little background on me. I'm 23. Married to my best friend, a Sailor in the U.S. Navy. I'm expecting my first child. Life and ordinary transitions have turned me upside down in the last few months, but I'm hanging on. I'm a Christian, though sometimes I wince at the word. I consider myself a Ragamuffin of sorts. Messed up, imperfect, but loved.
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