So here's what I think.
I think we're all upside down about Christmas.
We spend all this time hustling and bustling and making it this huge big deal.
It's such a notably cheerful time of year, that people feel guilty when they need a refill on their cup o' Christmas cheer.
This year I learned even more about Christmas being a light in the darkness. This Christmas, I was really just feeling a lot of darkness. Grief upon grief will wear one down... missing one's husband will too.
I did'nt even want to look for the light in the darkness at times this year. That just seemed too much energy.
But... with an extra helping of grace, I was able to. I could only utter a haphazard prayer asking for slivers of light. And I found them. I found them in the hugs of my nephews and the smile of my daugher, in time with my sisters and brothers in law. In getting to know Andy's family, albeit under terrible circumstances.
And as I saw these slivers all I could think of was what a sliver of light even Christ's coming must have seemed at the time. Can you imagine? What's the big deal? Some rag-tag kid was just born in a manger of all places? Angels came to sing over this? They were hoping for a revolution here, folks!
When I picture Israel at the time of Christ's coming, I picture barrenness, dryiness, hopelessness.
And then a helpless baby comes to be the savior? Right....
But He was a sliver of light in the darkness. And as that child grew in stature and strength the sliver grew into a pillar of hope and light. And then... it seemed that it would go out... But in one triumphant sweep, what began as the sliver of light known as a helpless newborn, conquered darkness, and death (yes death!), and sin in a blaze of glory and victory.
So my prayer this Christmas, in the midst of my own darkness was that these slivers of light would grow... and that I would remember that humble beginnings of light in the darkness may turn out in suprising ways.
And above all that the joy that comes from that one triumphant blaze would be alive in me.
So I still belive it's ok to be less than cheerful at Christmas, and I think even with angels and wiseman it wasn't all hoopla that first Christmas. Most of all, I think Christ still penetrates the darkest darkness, Humbly, meekly, but completely and triumphantly.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Prayers would be good
Husband's Grandfather has had a heart attack. 2 of his major arteries are 75% blocked. He was advised that surgery would be very risky because of his age and the risk of a stroke, so they have decided to forego it. They've put him on medication to ease the pain, make him comfortable, and hopefully combat the problems to an extent. There is a chance he will recover enough to go home and continue being our fiesty Grandpa.
We're weary. Husband feels helpless being so far away. If you could pray, we would appreciate it.
We're weary. Husband feels helpless being so far away. If you could pray, we would appreciate it.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
I Got Tagged!!!
I am SOOO excited! I've never been tagged to do a meme before. And today Amanda tagged me! I am ridiculously excited about this. Ok. So here goes:
Seven Things Tag
Seven Things to do Before I Die:
1. Write a book
2. Get my Master's Degree
3. Go with Andy to some of the places he's been in port while being a sailing sailor (Hmmm... Rome maybe?)
4. Work successfully in a job that feels like it fits me and I fit it
5. Tip a waitress $100
6. Finish The Brothers Karamazov (I really like, it... but given I've been reading it for 2 years now I really need to get going in order to finish this goal.
7. Touch a dolphin
Seven Things I cannot Do:
1. Speak a foreign language (though... I have a rudimentarly knowledge of sign language)
2. Sew
3. Ski
4. Wiggle my ears
5. Play softball without wanting to be swallowed by a hole in the earth
6. Swim in the ocean without worrying about 'critters and itchums' (which is unfortunate because I LOVE the ocean)
7. Stop thinking... Ever...
Seven Things That Attract me to my Husband:
1. He knows how to sit and just be with me.... without an agenda but totally WITH me when I am happy or otherwise
2. His love of all things beautiful
3. The way the depth of his faith and thoughts will suprise me when I least expect it.
4. His dedication to perpetually 'wooing' me
5. The way he is with Carolyn
6. His willingness to cook and do dishes
7. He loves me... like no one else does.
Seven Things I say Most Often:
1. "No... We don't eat catfood!"
2. "Crup"
3. "Are you sure?"
4. "Oh myy..."
5. "Abba Du"
6. "A dink" (In answer to Dh's "Rink-a-dink-a-dink")
7. He/she needs a 'quit being dumb' card
Seven Books or Series I Love:
1. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Anne Brashares)
2. Madeleine L'Engle's Time Trilogy
3. The World of Pooh (Milne)
4. The Ragamuffin Gospel (Brennan Manning)
5. The Lord of the Rings (Tolkien)
6. A Ring of Endless Light (L'Engle again)
7. Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now? (Seuss)
Seven Movies I would watch over and over and over and...
1. The Princess Bride
2. White Christmas (even if it's not Christmastime)
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. The Shadowlands
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. Return to Me
7. Anne of Green Gables
Seven Bloggers to Tag:
Becca, Lauren, Karen, Sarah, Tracie, Red, and Jodie!
Seven Things Tag
Seven Things to do Before I Die:
1. Write a book
2. Get my Master's Degree
3. Go with Andy to some of the places he's been in port while being a sailing sailor (Hmmm... Rome maybe?)
4. Work successfully in a job that feels like it fits me and I fit it
5. Tip a waitress $100
6. Finish The Brothers Karamazov (I really like, it... but given I've been reading it for 2 years now I really need to get going in order to finish this goal.
7. Touch a dolphin
Seven Things I cannot Do:
1. Speak a foreign language (though... I have a rudimentarly knowledge of sign language)
2. Sew
3. Ski
4. Wiggle my ears
5. Play softball without wanting to be swallowed by a hole in the earth
6. Swim in the ocean without worrying about 'critters and itchums' (which is unfortunate because I LOVE the ocean)
7. Stop thinking... Ever...
Seven Things That Attract me to my Husband:
1. He knows how to sit and just be with me.... without an agenda but totally WITH me when I am happy or otherwise
2. His love of all things beautiful
3. The way the depth of his faith and thoughts will suprise me when I least expect it.
4. His dedication to perpetually 'wooing' me
5. The way he is with Carolyn
6. His willingness to cook and do dishes
7. He loves me... like no one else does.
Seven Things I say Most Often:
1. "No... We don't eat catfood!"
2. "Crup"
3. "Are you sure?"
4. "Oh myy..."
5. "Abba Du"
6. "A dink" (In answer to Dh's "Rink-a-dink-a-dink")
7. He/she needs a 'quit being dumb' card
Seven Books or Series I Love:
1. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Anne Brashares)
2. Madeleine L'Engle's Time Trilogy
3. The World of Pooh (Milne)
4. The Ragamuffin Gospel (Brennan Manning)
5. The Lord of the Rings (Tolkien)
6. A Ring of Endless Light (L'Engle again)
7. Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now? (Seuss)
Seven Movies I would watch over and over and over and...
1. The Princess Bride
2. White Christmas (even if it's not Christmastime)
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. The Shadowlands
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. Return to Me
7. Anne of Green Gables
Seven Bloggers to Tag:
Becca, Lauren, Karen, Sarah, Tracie, Red, and Jodie!
Sunday, December 04, 2005
An Open Confession and Apology
Hi. My name is Val. And I am rude. This is something that I'm only recently discovering to be such a character deficiency of mine. I always felt that I exhibited at least average manners. Apparently I was as wrong as could be.
My Mil. Spouse message board has cycled through a few topics lately about how very rude people are these days. *Waves sheepishly at my spouse board*
Apparently it is highly offensive to neglect to RSVP and even worse to be late with or to not write Thank You notes.
So... Here are where the confessions start:
Until this year I rolled my eyes at RSVPs... Especially for weddings in which I stood up as part of the wedding party. For the last wedding I attended, I was *SO* proud of myself because I had remembered to send in the RSVP. I even included a little note to the bride saying I couldn't wait to meet her (I was a friend of the groom). A week before the wedding I got a phone call from the groom's Mom wondering if I was coming. My heart sunk. I had tried so hard to be a polite person... but it hadn't gotten there. I stuttered and stammered and assured her that I had sent in the RSVP and I couldn't understand how it wasn't there.
Last week I found a small envelope with my RSVP still in it, complete with my little note. *UGH* Again I goofed.
I will also admit to being very poor at writing Thank You notes. I can't remember if I got all of the ones sent for my graduation gifts. I do remember trying. I know I still had a pile of *addresses lost and not in the phone book* Thank Yous from my wedding that I finally gave up on last year, and this year... Well this year I will tell you that I have earnestly tried to get Thank Yous out... But it's an uphill battle to get a shower and dressed each day. So... My post-birth Carolyn thank yous didn't happen, and I'm still working on those from Mom's funeral.
One of my problems with Thank You notes is that I always find generic "Thank you for the ____s" to be a tad impersonal, and I try to spice them up a bit. That takes more time, and energy, and then I find myself overwhelmed. In reaction to overwhelmedness I quit. Quitting is not conducive to completing Thank You notes. You see the problem.
There are my confessions.
Here is my apology: I'm sorry to everyone whom I have slighted with my lack of RSVP/Thank You note etiquette. I really am. It has not been my intention to be rude or thoughtless, but I realize that might have been the message I sent through my oversight.
Now here are my thoughts about manners and etiquette in general. I credit my Mom for giving them to me. But I don't blame her for my deficiencies (how many weeks after Christmas did I sit with a fat pencil in hand writing, "Dear Aunt ____ Thank you for the toy. I like it. Love, Val"?)
See... I think Manners are nice and all. And I do think they make our society a friendlier place--a more pleasant place to be.
But they are meant to do just that. They are meant to make people feel comfortable. At the point in which they stop making people feel comfortable and start making them feel inferior, out of place, or in any other way uncomfortable, they cease to be manners. I don't want to hold onto my idea of manners as some measuring stick for the kindness, worthiness, or goodness of others (and I'm *NOT* saying that those who feel strongly about RSVPs and Thank Yous are this way).
When people come into my home, I want them to know that I like them as they are. If you want to eat with your elbows on the table, I might just join you. If you belch every other moment... Well I won't join you on that one.... I try to adjust my level of mannerliness to the occasion: Formal dinner=elbows off the table, sit up straight, use proper silverware. Incidentally my palms sweat straight through such things. Living room with DH and friends: Ooops. I forgot to put my napkin on my lap and I reached across you for the garlic bread. Experiencing less sweating though!
I forget to say Please and Thank You sometimes. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open. I've been known to eat with my elbows on the table, and I'm still not entirely sure how to use all the pieces of silverware on a formally prepared table. For all of these things I again apologize.
When I am old and grey, instead of being the lady at the dinner table clearing her throat at the child who forgot to put her napkin on her lap, I want to be the feisty lady, who winks at the child and gives them a hint and later tells them, "It took me a long time to learn that one, dear. You'll remember next time!"
I want to make people feel comfortable. Not guilty.
THAT is what manners are about in my opinion.
But.... I still do apologize for those that I have prevoiusly slighted. Brandy, Lauren, Becca, Ang--I'm coming to your weddings (I was there, remember?).
And I do sincerely, fully, gratefully acknowledge all of those who have been so kind to me and my family this year in gifts and support. Your kindness DIDN'T go unnoticed. Thank you for being there (and hopefully you WILL find a note in your mailbox soon).
Confessions/Apologies/and Thoughts ended.
My Mil. Spouse message board has cycled through a few topics lately about how very rude people are these days. *Waves sheepishly at my spouse board*
Apparently it is highly offensive to neglect to RSVP and even worse to be late with or to not write Thank You notes.
So... Here are where the confessions start:
Until this year I rolled my eyes at RSVPs... Especially for weddings in which I stood up as part of the wedding party. For the last wedding I attended, I was *SO* proud of myself because I had remembered to send in the RSVP. I even included a little note to the bride saying I couldn't wait to meet her (I was a friend of the groom). A week before the wedding I got a phone call from the groom's Mom wondering if I was coming. My heart sunk. I had tried so hard to be a polite person... but it hadn't gotten there. I stuttered and stammered and assured her that I had sent in the RSVP and I couldn't understand how it wasn't there.
Last week I found a small envelope with my RSVP still in it, complete with my little note. *UGH* Again I goofed.
I will also admit to being very poor at writing Thank You notes. I can't remember if I got all of the ones sent for my graduation gifts. I do remember trying. I know I still had a pile of *addresses lost and not in the phone book* Thank Yous from my wedding that I finally gave up on last year, and this year... Well this year I will tell you that I have earnestly tried to get Thank Yous out... But it's an uphill battle to get a shower and dressed each day. So... My post-birth Carolyn thank yous didn't happen, and I'm still working on those from Mom's funeral.
One of my problems with Thank You notes is that I always find generic "Thank you for the ____s" to be a tad impersonal, and I try to spice them up a bit. That takes more time, and energy, and then I find myself overwhelmed. In reaction to overwhelmedness I quit. Quitting is not conducive to completing Thank You notes. You see the problem.
There are my confessions.
Here is my apology: I'm sorry to everyone whom I have slighted with my lack of RSVP/Thank You note etiquette. I really am. It has not been my intention to be rude or thoughtless, but I realize that might have been the message I sent through my oversight.
Now here are my thoughts about manners and etiquette in general. I credit my Mom for giving them to me. But I don't blame her for my deficiencies (how many weeks after Christmas did I sit with a fat pencil in hand writing, "Dear Aunt ____ Thank you for the toy. I like it. Love, Val"?)
See... I think Manners are nice and all. And I do think they make our society a friendlier place--a more pleasant place to be.
But they are meant to do just that. They are meant to make people feel comfortable. At the point in which they stop making people feel comfortable and start making them feel inferior, out of place, or in any other way uncomfortable, they cease to be manners. I don't want to hold onto my idea of manners as some measuring stick for the kindness, worthiness, or goodness of others (and I'm *NOT* saying that those who feel strongly about RSVPs and Thank Yous are this way).
When people come into my home, I want them to know that I like them as they are. If you want to eat with your elbows on the table, I might just join you. If you belch every other moment... Well I won't join you on that one.... I try to adjust my level of mannerliness to the occasion: Formal dinner=elbows off the table, sit up straight, use proper silverware. Incidentally my palms sweat straight through such things. Living room with DH and friends: Ooops. I forgot to put my napkin on my lap and I reached across you for the garlic bread. Experiencing less sweating though!
I forget to say Please and Thank You sometimes. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open. I've been known to eat with my elbows on the table, and I'm still not entirely sure how to use all the pieces of silverware on a formally prepared table. For all of these things I again apologize.
When I am old and grey, instead of being the lady at the dinner table clearing her throat at the child who forgot to put her napkin on her lap, I want to be the feisty lady, who winks at the child and gives them a hint and later tells them, "It took me a long time to learn that one, dear. You'll remember next time!"
I want to make people feel comfortable. Not guilty.
THAT is what manners are about in my opinion.
But.... I still do apologize for those that I have prevoiusly slighted. Brandy, Lauren, Becca, Ang--I'm coming to your weddings (I was there, remember?).
And I do sincerely, fully, gratefully acknowledge all of those who have been so kind to me and my family this year in gifts and support. Your kindness DIDN'T go unnoticed. Thank you for being there (and hopefully you WILL find a note in your mailbox soon).
Confessions/Apologies/and Thoughts ended.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Fun Around the House
Such a sweet little face....
Whilst plundering the kitchen drawer, Carolyn decided she needed some coffee.
C's latest bedtime story. What can I say? She's very advanced!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Until Then We'll Have to Muddle Through Somehow
Even since I learned that the original lyrics of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" were something like, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, It will be our last..." I've rather liked the song. (I am a little bit twisted you know). I like that Judy Garland allegedly insisted that they change the lyrics to something more hope-giving when it was originally sung in Meet Me in St. Louis.
This weekend, as the Christmas songs have been blaring over the airways more and more the song hit me anew in a fresh way. Especially the line, "Come next year, we all will be together If the Fates allow But till then we'll have to muddle through somehow So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."
I think muddling through is about all I'll be able to muster this year. I plan to muddle through with style, and grace, and spunk, and even joy, but it will be different than other Christmases in so many ways. Even different than last Christmas. Last Christmas I clung fiercely to the idea of Christmas being a light in the darkness. I'm clinging even tighter this year, because the darkness feels that much more overwhelming.
But I know the light is there. I know that Christ is our light in the darkness... So as I put up the Christmas tree, and listen to the carols, and remember special Mom memories, and miss Andy, and watch the wonder in my daughters face as she lays eyes on the Christmas tree for the first time I will hold on to that. And as I cry with tears of loneliness and missing, and wonder how I will get through my first Christmas without my mother... and how I will carry on the "Mom traditions," as I wish for Andy's arms, and real conversations with him, and long for his hand to hold, and to see the light in his eyes as he opens his gifts from Carolyn and I... Through the goods and the bads of the muddling, I will let the light shine in me, and in and through my life.
I will truly live and love this Christmas. Even if it hurts.
I will muddle through and hold onto the light. After all, I'm called to be a light-bearer myself.
So... here I go to muddle. I have lights to string on the tree and decorations to put up.
This weekend, as the Christmas songs have been blaring over the airways more and more the song hit me anew in a fresh way. Especially the line, "Come next year, we all will be together If the Fates allow But till then we'll have to muddle through somehow So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."
I think muddling through is about all I'll be able to muster this year. I plan to muddle through with style, and grace, and spunk, and even joy, but it will be different than other Christmases in so many ways. Even different than last Christmas. Last Christmas I clung fiercely to the idea of Christmas being a light in the darkness. I'm clinging even tighter this year, because the darkness feels that much more overwhelming.
But I know the light is there. I know that Christ is our light in the darkness... So as I put up the Christmas tree, and listen to the carols, and remember special Mom memories, and miss Andy, and watch the wonder in my daughters face as she lays eyes on the Christmas tree for the first time I will hold on to that. And as I cry with tears of loneliness and missing, and wonder how I will get through my first Christmas without my mother... and how I will carry on the "Mom traditions," as I wish for Andy's arms, and real conversations with him, and long for his hand to hold, and to see the light in his eyes as he opens his gifts from Carolyn and I... Through the goods and the bads of the muddling, I will let the light shine in me, and in and through my life.
I will truly live and love this Christmas. Even if it hurts.
I will muddle through and hold onto the light. After all, I'm called to be a light-bearer myself.
So... here I go to muddle. I have lights to string on the tree and decorations to put up.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
What's Up?
The first week of college in our incredibly annoying, "Connect Class" we had to take these silly tests that were supposed to help us discover what our 'potential problem areas' were going to be for our academic careers. My results essentially said that I was socially inept. My summation of the results: Get friends even though you suck at doing so.
At that point, I didn't believe I was socially inept. At that point, perhaps I wasn't.At this point, I would say that I undoubtedly am.
I CANNOT for the life of me carry a conversation of small-talk anymore. I dread it. Today in church, a guy that I went to school with approached me along with his fiance. They wanted to see Carolyn. I had no idea what to say to them.
I really hate the general chit-chatting questions: For instance, "What's up?" Or, "What is new in your life?" Somehow it doesn't feel entirely appropriate to say, "I'm grieving the loss of my mother, my husband is deployed, and I'm doing the best I can to take care of our 8 month old while living in a house that is not my own, and you?" For that matter, part of me would like to reply, "Exactly why is it that in our culture it is the norm to ask questions that we don't really want the answer to? I mean really. When is the last time you heard that question and the person asking wasn't expecting a 'Nothing really.'" Those remarks would go over about as well as a turd in a punchbowl though, don't you think (Truly one of my favorite Momisms there. ;))?
I just don't know how to answer chit-chat, and I don't know what to ask other people. Do I inquire about their jobs? Their family? Do I have time to really hear what they have to say? I just fumble and stumble. And sometimes I thrust C forward so that the focus shifts onto her. I can just smile quietly while people go on about how she is "Such a precious little baby."
I think my real problem is that my head is just so full right now, and has been for the last two years, really. Many aspects of my current experience are also very foreign to those around me. I haven't picked up a phrasebook for translating yet. Even if I did I think it might be like the episode of West Wing where it took three translators to get from English to a dignitary's Native Language. Wait.... if you're not familiar with West Wing, translation might be necessary here. Ok. I give up.
I think what I have to say is valuable and I want to discover the valuable insight of others as well. But if I have to get through chit-chat to get there, I'm in trouble.
So this is me confessing: It's true. I am socially inept. I beg your forgiveness for any social faux pas I may commit while conversing with you. And I apologize if I stand looking at you with my tongue lolling about for extended periods of time. I really do care about what you have to say. I am just anxious to get to the part where it's actually said. In the meantime, try not to say anything that would inspire me to hand you a "Quit being dumb card" and we'll get along just fine.
I'm really very approachable.
At that point, I didn't believe I was socially inept. At that point, perhaps I wasn't.At this point, I would say that I undoubtedly am.
I CANNOT for the life of me carry a conversation of small-talk anymore. I dread it. Today in church, a guy that I went to school with approached me along with his fiance. They wanted to see Carolyn. I had no idea what to say to them.
I really hate the general chit-chatting questions: For instance, "What's up?" Or, "What is new in your life?" Somehow it doesn't feel entirely appropriate to say, "I'm grieving the loss of my mother, my husband is deployed, and I'm doing the best I can to take care of our 8 month old while living in a house that is not my own, and you?" For that matter, part of me would like to reply, "Exactly why is it that in our culture it is the norm to ask questions that we don't really want the answer to? I mean really. When is the last time you heard that question and the person asking wasn't expecting a 'Nothing really.'" Those remarks would go over about as well as a turd in a punchbowl though, don't you think (Truly one of my favorite Momisms there. ;))?
I just don't know how to answer chit-chat, and I don't know what to ask other people. Do I inquire about their jobs? Their family? Do I have time to really hear what they have to say? I just fumble and stumble. And sometimes I thrust C forward so that the focus shifts onto her. I can just smile quietly while people go on about how she is "Such a precious little baby."
I think my real problem is that my head is just so full right now, and has been for the last two years, really. Many aspects of my current experience are also very foreign to those around me. I haven't picked up a phrasebook for translating yet. Even if I did I think it might be like the episode of West Wing where it took three translators to get from English to a dignitary's Native Language. Wait.... if you're not familiar with West Wing, translation might be necessary here. Ok. I give up.
I think what I have to say is valuable and I want to discover the valuable insight of others as well. But if I have to get through chit-chat to get there, I'm in trouble.
So this is me confessing: It's true. I am socially inept. I beg your forgiveness for any social faux pas I may commit while conversing with you. And I apologize if I stand looking at you with my tongue lolling about for extended periods of time. I really do care about what you have to say. I am just anxious to get to the part where it's actually said. In the meantime, try not to say anything that would inspire me to hand you a "Quit being dumb card" and we'll get along just fine.
I'm really very approachable.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Anxiety
I will just feel so much better when he is in my arms again.... when I know where he is, and how he is, and can hold him.
And sometimes I wish I didn't have such a writer's imagination.
And sometimes I wish I didn't have such a writer's imagination.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Happy (Belated) Halloween!
Make way for Duckling!!!
It's been a spectacular year for foliage... and ducks!
It doesn't get better than Halloween Kisses!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
St. Ignatius says
"There are very few people who realize what God would make of them if they abandoned themselves into his hands, and let themselves be formed by his grace." --St. Ignatius
I read that today over at the Sacred Space website. It's a very good quote for today. Most of the time I really suck at abandoning myself to much of anything. Lately, I feel like I have to have to be white-knuckling all aspects of my life in order to ensure that nothing gets dropped, and that Carolyn and I make it out of this season alive and not insane.
Today, I did some abandoning. I did a really scary, terrifying thing....
I asked for help.
God's grace is so trustworthy. It's always there. I can run away, or ignore, or flail and scream and kick, and it's still just there...
That doesn't mean God isn't big and powerful and couldn't snuff me out like a candle anytime he chooses. I know that is true as well.
But even so... He is good.
Maybe I need to work on abandoning myself into his hands, and letting myself be formed by his grace. The abandoning part today was scary as hell. But... it was good. Good like God is. Good because God is.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Whine:
Warning: I am about to whine. This is not a ploy for sympathy. It is simply a whine.
I miss my husband.
I wish he was here so I could not listen to him tonight.
I would really like him to say things like, "Val you aren't a bad Mom... You play lots with C. You make her smile. She loves you so much. I would totally lose my patience after the fiftieth time that she stuffed a leaf in her mouth or attempted to eat cat food, but you keep your cool... and have a marvelous finger-sweep technique."
Or...
"Val... even though you have tried very hard to eat your weight in sugar in the last three or four days, I don't think you look anything like the Goodyear Blimp or the Michelen Man, and even if you did you would be the prettiest Goodyear Blimp/Michelan Man I'd ever seen."
Or...
"Val, you aren't a horrible house-keeper. Chasing after a feisty, clingy, obviously mobile 7 mos. old is enough to make anyone want to skip cleaning litter boxes and reaching into the depths of the kitchen sink drain to clean out limp, disgusting, food."
And when I was done not listening to him say all of that, I wish I could see him shake his head, sigh at my stubborn unwillingness to listen to him, give me a hug, and then commence an evening of leisurely spooning.
Yes. That is what I wish for right now. I guess I'll just have to wait a few months.
I miss my husband.
I wish he was here so I could not listen to him tonight.
I would really like him to say things like, "Val you aren't a bad Mom... You play lots with C. You make her smile. She loves you so much. I would totally lose my patience after the fiftieth time that she stuffed a leaf in her mouth or attempted to eat cat food, but you keep your cool... and have a marvelous finger-sweep technique."
Or...
"Val... even though you have tried very hard to eat your weight in sugar in the last three or four days, I don't think you look anything like the Goodyear Blimp or the Michelen Man, and even if you did you would be the prettiest Goodyear Blimp/Michelan Man I'd ever seen."
Or...
"Val, you aren't a horrible house-keeper. Chasing after a feisty, clingy, obviously mobile 7 mos. old is enough to make anyone want to skip cleaning litter boxes and reaching into the depths of the kitchen sink drain to clean out limp, disgusting, food."
And when I was done not listening to him say all of that, I wish I could see him shake his head, sigh at my stubborn unwillingness to listen to him, give me a hug, and then commence an evening of leisurely spooning.
Yes. That is what I wish for right now. I guess I'll just have to wait a few months.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Saturday, October 08, 2005
I'm Ready...
I'm ready for my life to feel normal again.
I want my husband back in my arms. I want to hear his voice again. I want him to be with me to see C go through all her milestones, and I want to be able to hand her to him at the end of a long day, when I just want my arms to feel like my own again.
I am grateful for our being able to send and receive emails, which is what civilian-folk like to focus on when they hear of his goneness as if that makes it all better... but emails are really not enough.
I'm ready to live in my own house, with my husband and child and not be constantly figuring out how to make living with my father as an adult work better.
I'm also ready for people to stop looking at me like I have two heads when I try to explain that I only live here for six months, or that I am living with my Dad, or that I have lived between the northwest and the midwest so long that I don't know my way around either anymore.
I am ready for my life to not be about illness, or death, or grief.
I'm sure normal won't look or feel normal. I'm sure there isn't really a normal. But there has to be something more normal than what I am living now, and what my last year or more has been.
I guess I'm just tired.
I want my husband back in my arms. I want to hear his voice again. I want him to be with me to see C go through all her milestones, and I want to be able to hand her to him at the end of a long day, when I just want my arms to feel like my own again.
I am grateful for our being able to send and receive emails, which is what civilian-folk like to focus on when they hear of his goneness as if that makes it all better... but emails are really not enough.
I'm ready to live in my own house, with my husband and child and not be constantly figuring out how to make living with my father as an adult work better.
I'm also ready for people to stop looking at me like I have two heads when I try to explain that I only live here for six months, or that I am living with my Dad, or that I have lived between the northwest and the midwest so long that I don't know my way around either anymore.
I am ready for my life to not be about illness, or death, or grief.
I'm sure normal won't look or feel normal. I'm sure there isn't really a normal. But there has to be something more normal than what I am living now, and what my last year or more has been.
I guess I'm just tired.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Navy Wife Life
As a result of a post I read here: http://bluechristian.blogspot.com/2005/09/life-of-army-wife.html , I wanted to take some time and reflect on my life so far as a Navy Wife.
The letter at Blue Christian paints a very negative story. And as I read it, I felt as though it were lifted up as a sort of, "See this is what it's REALLY like for military folk."
These are my thoughts today, and I will try to be objective.
Since Andy has been in the Navy life hasn't been particularly easy. We've been in a constant state of transition since we were married. We've spent a lot of time apart. We've not been able to be together for any birthdays, and few holidays. We've gone to sleep alone in beds far away from each other very frequently.
We've dealt with small things being blown way out of proportion: (I.E. The loss of a glove causing Andy and his shop to stay at work for most of two full days, the fear of Andy losing rank, and the temporary grounding of six planes).
We've dealt with the fear that Andy wouldn't be able to be with me for the birth of our daughter.
Our housing allowance didn't quite pay for the place we were renting for our first months in the Northwest.
I was sick for three months at the end of my pregnancy, and at times felt that my doctor just wasn't taking me seriously.
We haven't lived in one place for more than a year. We've moved a lot.
Our move from the Florida Panhandle to the Northwest was paid for mostly by us becuase they didn't recognize my move to Florida to be near Andy during training as valid.
That's a look at the bad.
Now comes a BUT. A BIG BUT. (I like BIG BUTS and I cannot lie... Do you believe I just typed that? Oh my...)
Because I am a Navy wife I've seen way more of the country than I ever thought I'd see. From Florida to the tippy top of the Northwest. I live on an Island of all things. I've seen mountains and beaches and met lots of different people. Heck! I might get to live someplace really cool for our next duty station--like Spain!
I have medical coverage that rarely requires I make a payment of any sort. I am very limited in what doctors I can see, but even there if I get a dud, I can change. I had a good doc in the Northwest, and I don't think a civilian doc would have or could have done a lot more for me during those three months of sickness.
I had a baby this year. I had a WONDERFUL labor and delivery experience at the military facility. My doctor was wonderful, the nurses were wonderful, the birthing room was beautiful. And... I didn't pay a cent for it.
I HAVE a housing allowance. My husband's base pay isn't spectacular, but with the housing allowance, we're able to make it.
I'm able to be a Stay at Home Mom to Carolyn without our finances being too strapped. Granted, most of our furniture is second-hand, and I don't go all out on decorating stuff, but we are still able to go out to eat occasionally, and buy frivolous things like DVDs.
We are in a financial position that was stable enough that we felt comfortable having a baby.
My husband WAS able to be with me when I had Carolyn. In fact, (and it doesn't always work this way), provisions were made so that instead of going on the month long detachment that he was scheduled for, he stayed back after C was born and went to a month long school. That meant he didn't get any leave time with C and I, but he did get to go to sleep in the same house as us for that time. (and this was after a very discouraging conversation with someone higher in the chain of command saying, "You will go to sea because that's what we do." Things looked terribly bleak, and then turned around)
When my Mom was referred to hospice, he got a morale call without even having to ask, or me having to call the Red Cross.
When my Mom was dying, and I made the Red Cross call, Andy's command did all they could to get him here to see her, and gave him enough leave time to see that I would be ok.
Some of this was luck. It doesn't always work out this well. We know that. We feel blessed, and we feel compassion for those who have do deal with births and deaths alone because of a deployment.
And as for the separations: In a word, they suck. They are hard. They are sad. They are scary. We miss each other. Adjusting at the end of them is difficult.
BUT
Because of them, we don't take the time we have with one another for granted. We cherish it as the gift that it truly is. We cherish each other. We don't leave things unsaid.
We feel empowered because we have faced many challenges (Navy related and otherwise), and we're still together, still in love, still gooey eyed about each other, even.
Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder...
But getting through adversity together (Even if not locationally) DOES.
I can't speaak for other people and their experiences. I can only speak about mine.
So far our experience as a Navy family has been difficult, frustrating, tiring, and stressful. But it hasn't been without positives. I don't know if we'll decide to continue with the Navy thing after Andy's contract is up or not. There are a lot of day to day frustrations that can weigh you down.
All I know is that this is where we are now. As I say to myself every day, "It is what it is," and all I can do is take it for what it is, and do what I can with it.
The letter at Blue Christian paints a very negative story. And as I read it, I felt as though it were lifted up as a sort of, "See this is what it's REALLY like for military folk."
These are my thoughts today, and I will try to be objective.
Since Andy has been in the Navy life hasn't been particularly easy. We've been in a constant state of transition since we were married. We've spent a lot of time apart. We've not been able to be together for any birthdays, and few holidays. We've gone to sleep alone in beds far away from each other very frequently.
We've dealt with small things being blown way out of proportion: (I.E. The loss of a glove causing Andy and his shop to stay at work for most of two full days, the fear of Andy losing rank, and the temporary grounding of six planes).
We've dealt with the fear that Andy wouldn't be able to be with me for the birth of our daughter.
Our housing allowance didn't quite pay for the place we were renting for our first months in the Northwest.
I was sick for three months at the end of my pregnancy, and at times felt that my doctor just wasn't taking me seriously.
We haven't lived in one place for more than a year. We've moved a lot.
Our move from the Florida Panhandle to the Northwest was paid for mostly by us becuase they didn't recognize my move to Florida to be near Andy during training as valid.
That's a look at the bad.
Now comes a BUT. A BIG BUT. (I like BIG BUTS and I cannot lie... Do you believe I just typed that? Oh my...)
Because I am a Navy wife I've seen way more of the country than I ever thought I'd see. From Florida to the tippy top of the Northwest. I live on an Island of all things. I've seen mountains and beaches and met lots of different people. Heck! I might get to live someplace really cool for our next duty station--like Spain!
I have medical coverage that rarely requires I make a payment of any sort. I am very limited in what doctors I can see, but even there if I get a dud, I can change. I had a good doc in the Northwest, and I don't think a civilian doc would have or could have done a lot more for me during those three months of sickness.
I had a baby this year. I had a WONDERFUL labor and delivery experience at the military facility. My doctor was wonderful, the nurses were wonderful, the birthing room was beautiful. And... I didn't pay a cent for it.
I HAVE a housing allowance. My husband's base pay isn't spectacular, but with the housing allowance, we're able to make it.
I'm able to be a Stay at Home Mom to Carolyn without our finances being too strapped. Granted, most of our furniture is second-hand, and I don't go all out on decorating stuff, but we are still able to go out to eat occasionally, and buy frivolous things like DVDs.
We are in a financial position that was stable enough that we felt comfortable having a baby.
My husband WAS able to be with me when I had Carolyn. In fact, (and it doesn't always work this way), provisions were made so that instead of going on the month long detachment that he was scheduled for, he stayed back after C was born and went to a month long school. That meant he didn't get any leave time with C and I, but he did get to go to sleep in the same house as us for that time. (and this was after a very discouraging conversation with someone higher in the chain of command saying, "You will go to sea because that's what we do." Things looked terribly bleak, and then turned around)
When my Mom was referred to hospice, he got a morale call without even having to ask, or me having to call the Red Cross.
When my Mom was dying, and I made the Red Cross call, Andy's command did all they could to get him here to see her, and gave him enough leave time to see that I would be ok.
Some of this was luck. It doesn't always work out this well. We know that. We feel blessed, and we feel compassion for those who have do deal with births and deaths alone because of a deployment.
And as for the separations: In a word, they suck. They are hard. They are sad. They are scary. We miss each other. Adjusting at the end of them is difficult.
BUT
Because of them, we don't take the time we have with one another for granted. We cherish it as the gift that it truly is. We cherish each other. We don't leave things unsaid.
We feel empowered because we have faced many challenges (Navy related and otherwise), and we're still together, still in love, still gooey eyed about each other, even.
Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder...
But getting through adversity together (Even if not locationally) DOES.
I can't speaak for other people and their experiences. I can only speak about mine.
So far our experience as a Navy family has been difficult, frustrating, tiring, and stressful. But it hasn't been without positives. I don't know if we'll decide to continue with the Navy thing after Andy's contract is up or not. There are a lot of day to day frustrations that can weigh you down.
All I know is that this is where we are now. As I say to myself every day, "It is what it is," and all I can do is take it for what it is, and do what I can with it.
Friday, September 23, 2005
A Glimpse of Hope
There is a lot of bad news these days. Bad news about the economy, gas prices, massive hurricanes, war, on and on and on it goes.
And everywhere I turn it I find lot of pessimism about all of the above. Gas prices are killing us. People are so down and out. Things are awful. The world is out of control and we're all headed for disaster.
Today I was exercising at Curves. Because of Carolyn's daily schedule, the best time for me to exercise is mid-morning, also known as the time of, "The Old Lady Crowd." I have noticed that older ladies especially gravitate to these conversations of pessimism, talking about how awful things are these days, and how depraved the world is.
Today, I heard something different.
A lady who my family has loved for ages now, came in. I was delighted to see her, and said so. She came in during a very uncomfortable conversation about my mother and smoking *another story for another place* and then things shifted to the economy and how hard it is for people.
The ladies were lamenting the high gas prices and the cost of health care for those who are down and out, etc, etc, and it really seemed as though things were going to go down that hell-in-a-handbasket route, when suddenly Mary Allen said, "I don't know that it's as horrible as we think. I think that it may return us to our communities. We might start being together, living together, seeing one another."
I told her that was the most optimistic thing I've heard anyone say in a very long time. She was delighted at that compliment "coming from a young person."
In her words I caught a vision of hope--Imagine if she was right, if the awful circumstances hitting so many of us these days brought us together. If we started taking care of one another, watching after one another, paying attention to lives other than our own. Maybe if circumstanecs caused us to hunker-down and center in our society could actually be transformed from one of depravity, hopelessness, and cruelty that we see on the nightly news to one of love, and caring, and concern.
I know it's a long shot. Hope usually is. But for a second, I let myself grab onto that hope, and I stopped being so pessimistic.
It was refreshing.
And everywhere I turn it I find lot of pessimism about all of the above. Gas prices are killing us. People are so down and out. Things are awful. The world is out of control and we're all headed for disaster.
Today I was exercising at Curves. Because of Carolyn's daily schedule, the best time for me to exercise is mid-morning, also known as the time of, "The Old Lady Crowd." I have noticed that older ladies especially gravitate to these conversations of pessimism, talking about how awful things are these days, and how depraved the world is.
Today, I heard something different.
A lady who my family has loved for ages now, came in. I was delighted to see her, and said so. She came in during a very uncomfortable conversation about my mother and smoking *another story for another place* and then things shifted to the economy and how hard it is for people.
The ladies were lamenting the high gas prices and the cost of health care for those who are down and out, etc, etc, and it really seemed as though things were going to go down that hell-in-a-handbasket route, when suddenly Mary Allen said, "I don't know that it's as horrible as we think. I think that it may return us to our communities. We might start being together, living together, seeing one another."
I told her that was the most optimistic thing I've heard anyone say in a very long time. She was delighted at that compliment "coming from a young person."
In her words I caught a vision of hope--Imagine if she was right, if the awful circumstances hitting so many of us these days brought us together. If we started taking care of one another, watching after one another, paying attention to lives other than our own. Maybe if circumstanecs caused us to hunker-down and center in our society could actually be transformed from one of depravity, hopelessness, and cruelty that we see on the nightly news to one of love, and caring, and concern.
I know it's a long shot. Hope usually is. But for a second, I let myself grab onto that hope, and I stopped being so pessimistic.
It was refreshing.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Like a Child...
Tonight the thought at the top of my brain is: Being an adult is really lonely.
It is. As I've written elsewhere in this blog, this phase of life--after college, starting a family and/or launching into the career world--there are a lot of adjustments to be made.
I find that the biggest adjustment I have to make is the isolation and the pressure to be responsible. To pick up when I feel like letting the house stay in chaos. To struggle to be rational and stay constantly in 'perspective.'
I remember when I was a kid... If I felt sad, I was sad. If I felt happy, I was happy. If I felt bratty, I was a brat. I wasn't overly concerned about social graces, and looking back at some of the things I said and did, and some of the interactions I had, I'm mortified.
But tonight rather than being mortified at younger me, I'm jealous of her.
Thinking back over my life, I can almost trace the deadening of allowing myself to feel what I was feeling and really be vulnerable. I had the innocence of any small child. I started withholding a bit of myself in Jr. High and forming a shell of protection after I had that movie-magic moment of kids surrounding me on the playground driving pieces of who I was straight into the ground.
In High School, I was impulsive and guarded all at once like most teenagers.
In college... Well, college is like a rebirth of childhood in many ways. When I said that then, I meant it because I'd go out and sled and flop on my belly in the snow on Scott field, and I'd skip arm in arm with a friend, and I'd allow myself to sometimes be rambunctious and out of control.
But tonight I mean that the feeling of feelings erupted again--and I allowed myself to be vulnerable and sometimes that was part of being out of control.
And then I stopped. I think that was the moment that the magic of childhood ended... That pixie-like ability to play ring-around-the rosie around the rock on the schoolyard, and frolic like a faerie in a public garden died... That's when I 'grew up.'
But I remember that Jesus tells us that we can't come into the kingdom unless we are like children.
Could this be part of what he means? Could he mean that we are supposed to feel what we feel.. to be vulnerable? To be sad when we're sad, happy when we're happy, and brats when we feel bratty? To call our friends at 2 a.m. and say, "I need you," and collapse into a ball of tears at their feet? To call Him at 2 a.m. and say, "I need you," and collapse into a ball of tears at His feet?
Tonight. I think it does.
Lord, teach me to be like a child. Reawaken the magic. Embolden the feelings and the openess, and be near me when I cry, "I need you."
It is. As I've written elsewhere in this blog, this phase of life--after college, starting a family and/or launching into the career world--there are a lot of adjustments to be made.
I find that the biggest adjustment I have to make is the isolation and the pressure to be responsible. To pick up when I feel like letting the house stay in chaos. To struggle to be rational and stay constantly in 'perspective.'
I remember when I was a kid... If I felt sad, I was sad. If I felt happy, I was happy. If I felt bratty, I was a brat. I wasn't overly concerned about social graces, and looking back at some of the things I said and did, and some of the interactions I had, I'm mortified.
But tonight rather than being mortified at younger me, I'm jealous of her.
Thinking back over my life, I can almost trace the deadening of allowing myself to feel what I was feeling and really be vulnerable. I had the innocence of any small child. I started withholding a bit of myself in Jr. High and forming a shell of protection after I had that movie-magic moment of kids surrounding me on the playground driving pieces of who I was straight into the ground.
In High School, I was impulsive and guarded all at once like most teenagers.
In college... Well, college is like a rebirth of childhood in many ways. When I said that then, I meant it because I'd go out and sled and flop on my belly in the snow on Scott field, and I'd skip arm in arm with a friend, and I'd allow myself to sometimes be rambunctious and out of control.
But tonight I mean that the feeling of feelings erupted again--and I allowed myself to be vulnerable and sometimes that was part of being out of control.
And then I stopped. I think that was the moment that the magic of childhood ended... That pixie-like ability to play ring-around-the rosie around the rock on the schoolyard, and frolic like a faerie in a public garden died... That's when I 'grew up.'
But I remember that Jesus tells us that we can't come into the kingdom unless we are like children.
Could this be part of what he means? Could he mean that we are supposed to feel what we feel.. to be vulnerable? To be sad when we're sad, happy when we're happy, and brats when we feel bratty? To call our friends at 2 a.m. and say, "I need you," and collapse into a ball of tears at their feet? To call Him at 2 a.m. and say, "I need you," and collapse into a ball of tears at His feet?
Tonight. I think it does.
Lord, teach me to be like a child. Reawaken the magic. Embolden the feelings and the openess, and be near me when I cry, "I need you."
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Updates and Rambles
Ok, so I must admit that one of the biggest reasons I'm writing this post is that I just couldn't stand the fact that my over-sized photos mussed up the nice format here. I could resize the pictures and try again, but I'm on turtle computer, and I've been playing with them for two hours already.
So I'll tell you about things around here. The last couple of days have been really lovely for a few reasons, the biggest being that Andy is in port somewhere out there and has been able to call. He has been able to see some spectacular things: cathedrals, castles, really old houses... and I must tell you that I am so proud of my husband and the way he handles himself around folks who are doing things that we find to be a bit questionable. His honor and integrity got my attention way back before we were dating, and it makes me proud to be his wife today.
So far, I'm handling the deployment pretty darn well. In fact, I've decided essentially that there is no point in half-living even though my 'other half' isn't here. So... I'm doing what I can to enjoy each day for what it is. With a daughter as wonderful, and beautiful, and special as mine that's pretty easy. (I tell ya... Andy gets the short end of the stick on sights to see this year--The most beautiful Cathedral in the world doesn't hold a candle to Carolyn's smile). Of course there is plenty of dealing with what is in front of me as I am able to as well. With everything that I've had on my plate and that I am still processing through, that is a given. But that is part of fully living.
Today, Carolyn had her 6 month check-up and got her shots. She hadn't grown as much as I expected which worried me some, but I'm going to do the one thing I have practiced the most as a Mom--assume it's normal, and watch to be sure. She weighs 16 lbs. 10 oz. and is 25.5 inches long. I figure she's working so hard doing things like wiggling constantly and crawling that it's slowed down gain a bit. She is surely healthy and happy. She hasn't suffered too much with the shots yet, but last round the day after was the doozy, so we'll see how she does.
The air was cool, and damp, and fall-like today. It made me sad and excited all at once. Sad because we are leaving the last season I had with my Mom and I find myself clinging to any and every thing that makes me feel connected to her. And excited because fall is beautiful, and I get to experience it anew through the eyes of my daughter who has never seen it before.
Yes... life is full. And hard. And Good. And I am grateful.
So I'll tell you about things around here. The last couple of days have been really lovely for a few reasons, the biggest being that Andy is in port somewhere out there and has been able to call. He has been able to see some spectacular things: cathedrals, castles, really old houses... and I must tell you that I am so proud of my husband and the way he handles himself around folks who are doing things that we find to be a bit questionable. His honor and integrity got my attention way back before we were dating, and it makes me proud to be his wife today.
So far, I'm handling the deployment pretty darn well. In fact, I've decided essentially that there is no point in half-living even though my 'other half' isn't here. So... I'm doing what I can to enjoy each day for what it is. With a daughter as wonderful, and beautiful, and special as mine that's pretty easy. (I tell ya... Andy gets the short end of the stick on sights to see this year--The most beautiful Cathedral in the world doesn't hold a candle to Carolyn's smile). Of course there is plenty of dealing with what is in front of me as I am able to as well. With everything that I've had on my plate and that I am still processing through, that is a given. But that is part of fully living.
Today, Carolyn had her 6 month check-up and got her shots. She hadn't grown as much as I expected which worried me some, but I'm going to do the one thing I have practiced the most as a Mom--assume it's normal, and watch to be sure. She weighs 16 lbs. 10 oz. and is 25.5 inches long. I figure she's working so hard doing things like wiggling constantly and crawling that it's slowed down gain a bit. She is surely healthy and happy. She hasn't suffered too much with the shots yet, but last round the day after was the doozy, so we'll see how she does.
The air was cool, and damp, and fall-like today. It made me sad and excited all at once. Sad because we are leaving the last season I had with my Mom and I find myself clinging to any and every thing that makes me feel connected to her. And excited because fall is beautiful, and I get to experience it anew through the eyes of my daughter who has never seen it before.
Yes... life is full. And hard. And Good. And I am grateful.
Pictures, Pictures!
This is Ms. C at a rest stop somewhere in Montana--doesn't my baby just sparkle sometimes?
My adorable little crawler, doing the crawling thing. She's very good at it already.
We have ventured into the world of solids. Very exciting. Also--please note the new high chair. I assembled that all by myself, because I AM A NAVY WIFE!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Good Thing I've Got Good Tennie-Shoes....
Cause I'm the Mama of a crawler as of today!!!!
She started crawling immediately after getting a nasty bump on the head... Maybe if she gets another bump on the noggin she'll start walking??? We're not going to find out.
Anyway... It's off to the races around here!
She started crawling immediately after getting a nasty bump on the head... Maybe if she gets another bump on the noggin she'll start walking??? We're not going to find out.
Anyway... It's off to the races around here!
Monday, September 12, 2005
Stumbling Through the Dark
I have a lot of trouble with what I perceive as 'Christian cliches.' Things like, "God spoke to me and said..." or, "God talks in a still small voice," or "God led me here."
It's not that I don't believe that God talks to us or leads us. I most certainly do. I just think many times when these phrases are uttered we don't really know what we mean or what we are saying. We're just talking in code because we're 'Christians.'
My problem with said alleged cliches is that I don't know exactly how they're fleshed out. And the vague sense that I have about how they may be fleshed out gets all confused when I start asking questions like, "How do I know that was God and not my own wants talking?" or "Does God really have an ultimate step-by-step plan for us that we can walk into or out of?"
My vague understanding of all of this spills into the areas of prayer and worship as well. A few years ago I thought I knew what both looked like. Now I feel clueless in both areas, and just know that whatever I do offer to God, I want to be real.
I mention all of this because it's heavy on my mind right now. Last week on our long journey out here I got a sense of direction of sorts that felt like a God moment--the type of God moment that I haven't had in a very LONG time. The type that I had almost written off as just being part of the Christian Code of Cliche.
I am left struggling to determine if said moment was a random daydream born out of my recent experiences, an emotional wish or sorts, something with hidden motives or...
was it God?
I know all of the normal litmus tests too: Does it line up with scripture? Is it Godly? Would it honor God? But even affirmative answers to all of those questions leaves a good deal of room for interpretation.
Experiences like this make me feel that I am doing nothing more than stumbling in the dark. And maybe that really is what I'm doing. Maybe it's all I can do--stumble in the dark, holding His hand, and trusting that He'll steady me if I stumble.
Maybe he's urging me to face this new direction.
Guess I'll face it and see what I stumble into next.
It's not that I don't believe that God talks to us or leads us. I most certainly do. I just think many times when these phrases are uttered we don't really know what we mean or what we are saying. We're just talking in code because we're 'Christians.'
My problem with said alleged cliches is that I don't know exactly how they're fleshed out. And the vague sense that I have about how they may be fleshed out gets all confused when I start asking questions like, "How do I know that was God and not my own wants talking?" or "Does God really have an ultimate step-by-step plan for us that we can walk into or out of?"
My vague understanding of all of this spills into the areas of prayer and worship as well. A few years ago I thought I knew what both looked like. Now I feel clueless in both areas, and just know that whatever I do offer to God, I want to be real.
I mention all of this because it's heavy on my mind right now. Last week on our long journey out here I got a sense of direction of sorts that felt like a God moment--the type of God moment that I haven't had in a very LONG time. The type that I had almost written off as just being part of the Christian Code of Cliche.
I am left struggling to determine if said moment was a random daydream born out of my recent experiences, an emotional wish or sorts, something with hidden motives or...
was it God?
I know all of the normal litmus tests too: Does it line up with scripture? Is it Godly? Would it honor God? But even affirmative answers to all of those questions leaves a good deal of room for interpretation.
Experiences like this make me feel that I am doing nothing more than stumbling in the dark. And maybe that really is what I'm doing. Maybe it's all I can do--stumble in the dark, holding His hand, and trusting that He'll steady me if I stumble.
Maybe he's urging me to face this new direction.
Guess I'll face it and see what I stumble into next.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Computer's Grand Adventure
This computer will begin a grand adventure very soon... So I will be blog light or non-existent until mid-September when I will be reunited with old, pokey, turtle computer (unless I write some today). Promise to miss me.
Here are a couple pictures of C to tide you over.
Here are a couple pictures of C to tide you over.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Blog Blocked
I'm feeling blog-blocked at the moment. Usually when that happens I spew off a bunch of randomness. I'm sure tonight will be no different.
My living room is currently one big chaotic pile as Andy is getting ready for pack-out. I've played secretary in my more altruistic moments of the evening, and kept a list of things that he has put in the 'pack pile.'
The days leading up to deployment really aren't any fun. I know I've said that before, but on top of all the sad and confusing emotions that come as you prepare to be apart for months at a time, there is the packing, the incredibly long hours (13 or so today), the snippy little detachment arguments (so far, so good there), and the difficulty sleeping because you can't turn your brain off at night.
At the moment, my husband has these weird long gloves and a funny grey face mask on... With shorts and a T-Shirt. I don't get it. At times like this, it's best not to ask questions.
I think that's a good place to stop, don't you?
My living room is currently one big chaotic pile as Andy is getting ready for pack-out. I've played secretary in my more altruistic moments of the evening, and kept a list of things that he has put in the 'pack pile.'
The days leading up to deployment really aren't any fun. I know I've said that before, but on top of all the sad and confusing emotions that come as you prepare to be apart for months at a time, there is the packing, the incredibly long hours (13 or so today), the snippy little detachment arguments (so far, so good there), and the difficulty sleeping because you can't turn your brain off at night.
At the moment, my husband has these weird long gloves and a funny grey face mask on... With shorts and a T-Shirt. I don't get it. At times like this, it's best not to ask questions.
I think that's a good place to stop, don't you?
Carolyn's Book
You're Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!
by Mark Twain
With an affinity for floating down the river, you see things in black
and white. The world is strange and new to you and the more you learn about it, the less
it makes sense. You probably speak with an accent and others have a hard time
understanding you and an even harder time taking you seriously. Nevertheless, your
adventurous spirit is admirable. You really like straw hats.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Hmmm....
You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
A Date!!!
Today was SUCH a good day. We went on a date! It's the first date we've been on since Carolyn was born. That sounds really pathetic, I know. With everything that's gone on in the last five months it just wasn't feesible. There was settling in with a baby, me being sick, and how many trips to Illinois and back now? When Andy and I were together it just never worked out.
A friend at church has been begging to babysit, so we took her up on her offer this afternoon and went on a real life, bonafide, date.
We went to KFC and got chicken and such and had a picnic. We had a typical us moment when we realized KFC had failed to give us forks or napkins... That made it difficult to eat our coleslaw and mac-n-cheese, and complimentary cake, but we overcame with our resourcefulness. We went back to a beach we visited a few weeks ago and explored some of the trails there, and then, of course there was ice cream!!!
I was nervous about Carolyn. Save a few trips to the grocery store or to do errands she hasn't been away from both of us very much at all. And when I have left her with someone for a few minutes I usually came back to a frantic child. Today she was a champ. She LOVED playing with Sue and we came back to a happy little girl who seemed very pleased with herself.
It was just so wonderful to focus on 'the two of us' for a couple of hours. Of course we were anxious to get back to our little girl, but that time away was just what it should have been--refreshing and connecting. I again proved that skirts don't slow me down and I was pretty proud of myself for scrambling up and down trails and over logs, and through piles of driftwood. Andy was impressed too.
It was special too because we're almost to the end of our bonus days. It was a day to treasure up and soak in so that we can come back to it again and again during our time away from one another.
And I need to tell you that I love my husband. He is an amazing man. I am so grateful for him.
A friend at church has been begging to babysit, so we took her up on her offer this afternoon and went on a real life, bonafide, date.
We went to KFC and got chicken and such and had a picnic. We had a typical us moment when we realized KFC had failed to give us forks or napkins... That made it difficult to eat our coleslaw and mac-n-cheese, and complimentary cake, but we overcame with our resourcefulness. We went back to a beach we visited a few weeks ago and explored some of the trails there, and then, of course there was ice cream!!!
I was nervous about Carolyn. Save a few trips to the grocery store or to do errands she hasn't been away from both of us very much at all. And when I have left her with someone for a few minutes I usually came back to a frantic child. Today she was a champ. She LOVED playing with Sue and we came back to a happy little girl who seemed very pleased with herself.
It was just so wonderful to focus on 'the two of us' for a couple of hours. Of course we were anxious to get back to our little girl, but that time away was just what it should have been--refreshing and connecting. I again proved that skirts don't slow me down and I was pretty proud of myself for scrambling up and down trails and over logs, and through piles of driftwood. Andy was impressed too.
It was special too because we're almost to the end of our bonus days. It was a day to treasure up and soak in so that we can come back to it again and again during our time away from one another.
And I need to tell you that I love my husband. He is an amazing man. I am so grateful for him.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
And Then Again....
I'm second guessing everything I just wrote.....
It's easy to second guess in the face of inconsolable crying.
It's easy to second guess in the face of inconsolable crying.
Parenting Dilemma
So far I've found that you run into a lot of dilemmas parenting. That's a no brainer, right? So far I've encountered dilemmas about what to feed Carolyn, when to feed Carolyn, how to put Carolyn to sleep, when to let her cry, when to pick her up, and many others.
What I've found is if you go looking for information you find lots of different opinions. Usually, even if you don't go looking for information you get lots of different opinions. Everybody has an idea. Everybody knows what the problem is, and everyone knows the right way to 'fix' it.
When it comes to raging parental debates like whether to let your baby cry it out when they wake up during the night, or whether to comfort them each and every time they cry people get fiery. People get passionate. They know the right way to parent, and dagnabbit... people who don't agree are undoubtedly screwing their kids up.
Now, I'm naturally very sensitive the idea that I could be screwing Carolyn up. Andy rolls his eyes sometimes when he feels like I'm obsessing. I can be a bit neurotic.
But in my more rational moments this is what I have concluded:
Nobody knows the right way to parent because there is no one singular right way. When confronted with the confusions of parenting we're all strangers in a strange land.
I'm starting to think that as long as you're doing everything you can to keep your kid's best interests as the forerunning priority and you use common sense you're going to do ok most of the time (at least with the smaller issues). I find it hard to believe that Carolyn will be irrevocably psychologically screwed up because a couple of nights I let her cry for ten minutes or so until she went to sleep. I'm starting to think that those who hold religiously to one camp or another in these smaller debates over the sleeping and eating habits of infants do so more because of their own control issues, and perhaps insecurities rather than because they have some sort of superior knowledge.
So, I'm going to try to cut myself a break now and then. I'm going to do the best I can. I'll examine the options and try to do what is *BEST* for Carolyn. I'll make mistakes. But I can trust the resiliency of my child on some of these smaller issues and hopefully I'll remember to trust God with the collective helplessness and brokenness of Carolyn and I both when the biggies come up.
And if you ask me how to get a child to sleep through the night, or how often to breastfeed I'll probably be really annoying and say, "I don't know."
I don't know a lot now that I'm a Mom.
What I've found is if you go looking for information you find lots of different opinions. Usually, even if you don't go looking for information you get lots of different opinions. Everybody has an idea. Everybody knows what the problem is, and everyone knows the right way to 'fix' it.
When it comes to raging parental debates like whether to let your baby cry it out when they wake up during the night, or whether to comfort them each and every time they cry people get fiery. People get passionate. They know the right way to parent, and dagnabbit... people who don't agree are undoubtedly screwing their kids up.
Now, I'm naturally very sensitive the idea that I could be screwing Carolyn up. Andy rolls his eyes sometimes when he feels like I'm obsessing. I can be a bit neurotic.
But in my more rational moments this is what I have concluded:
Nobody knows the right way to parent because there is no one singular right way. When confronted with the confusions of parenting we're all strangers in a strange land.
I'm starting to think that as long as you're doing everything you can to keep your kid's best interests as the forerunning priority and you use common sense you're going to do ok most of the time (at least with the smaller issues). I find it hard to believe that Carolyn will be irrevocably psychologically screwed up because a couple of nights I let her cry for ten minutes or so until she went to sleep. I'm starting to think that those who hold religiously to one camp or another in these smaller debates over the sleeping and eating habits of infants do so more because of their own control issues, and perhaps insecurities rather than because they have some sort of superior knowledge.
So, I'm going to try to cut myself a break now and then. I'm going to do the best I can. I'll examine the options and try to do what is *BEST* for Carolyn. I'll make mistakes. But I can trust the resiliency of my child on some of these smaller issues and hopefully I'll remember to trust God with the collective helplessness and brokenness of Carolyn and I both when the biggies come up.
And if you ask me how to get a child to sleep through the night, or how often to breastfeed I'll probably be really annoying and say, "I don't know."
I don't know a lot now that I'm a Mom.
Monday, August 15, 2005
The Countdown
Any military wife will tell you that one of the worst things that you have to deal with regarding separations is 'the countdown.' The countdown in general is excrutiating. If you have a lot of prior notice, you have a lot of time for the knowledge that a separation is coming to hang over your head. If you don't have a lot of prior notice you have a shock to the system to adjust to.
We're in the last days of what has been a very long countdown. I have tried not to be too sad about them because these days are bonus. We didn't think we'd get them. They're a gift and by and large I want my attitude to be one of gratefulness.
But the truth is, I am sad. I get used to being with Andy again so quickly, and I adjust to him being gone so slowly. The last days are always some of the hardest because you can feel the time just slipping through your fingers. You go out and try to have fun and you really do have fun, but you do so knowing that it's going to be a REALLY long time before you can do said fun thing together again. Then you have to deal with the first days of the actual separation and those are pretty difficult too.
With just losing Mom, I am especially sad. To be honest at times I'm not sure how I'll make it through this. I know I will, but the always-onward outlook I'd been maintaining is gone and it's hard not to think that I'll just feel really bereft.
I write this not to complain, but to share. Unless you've lived this, you wouldn't know what it's like, now would you?
I don't want to be away from my husband. Six months (I hope only six) is a long time to be away from one's spouse. Most of the time I say things like, "Well this is what we signed up for," and, "This is just part of the game," when people talk to me about the separations. All of that is true, but what is equally true is that it's very, very hard.
I am sad for every milestone of Carolyn's Andy will miss seeing.
I am sad for every giggle he will miss.
I am sad for the Daddy-time Carolyn will be missing out on. She will miss the ways that he makes her giggle. She will miss being zoomed through the air like an airplane and the dozens of zerberts he gives her each day.
I am sad for every holiday that will feel empty without his presence (or Mom's).
I am sad for every night I will go to bed alone.
And given the climate of our world's situations, I'm scared too.
So anyway... I don't mean for this to be a pity party. I'm not asking for sympathy. This just is what it is. It is part of my journey and I blog about my journey, because I feel sharing the stories of our journeys is an important thing.
It is what it is, and we'll get through it. But tonight, I feel sad.
We're in the last days of what has been a very long countdown. I have tried not to be too sad about them because these days are bonus. We didn't think we'd get them. They're a gift and by and large I want my attitude to be one of gratefulness.
But the truth is, I am sad. I get used to being with Andy again so quickly, and I adjust to him being gone so slowly. The last days are always some of the hardest because you can feel the time just slipping through your fingers. You go out and try to have fun and you really do have fun, but you do so knowing that it's going to be a REALLY long time before you can do said fun thing together again. Then you have to deal with the first days of the actual separation and those are pretty difficult too.
With just losing Mom, I am especially sad. To be honest at times I'm not sure how I'll make it through this. I know I will, but the always-onward outlook I'd been maintaining is gone and it's hard not to think that I'll just feel really bereft.
I write this not to complain, but to share. Unless you've lived this, you wouldn't know what it's like, now would you?
I don't want to be away from my husband. Six months (I hope only six) is a long time to be away from one's spouse. Most of the time I say things like, "Well this is what we signed up for," and, "This is just part of the game," when people talk to me about the separations. All of that is true, but what is equally true is that it's very, very hard.
I am sad for every milestone of Carolyn's Andy will miss seeing.
I am sad for every giggle he will miss.
I am sad for the Daddy-time Carolyn will be missing out on. She will miss the ways that he makes her giggle. She will miss being zoomed through the air like an airplane and the dozens of zerberts he gives her each day.
I am sad for every holiday that will feel empty without his presence (or Mom's).
I am sad for every night I will go to bed alone.
And given the climate of our world's situations, I'm scared too.
So anyway... I don't mean for this to be a pity party. I'm not asking for sympathy. This just is what it is. It is part of my journey and I blog about my journey, because I feel sharing the stories of our journeys is an important thing.
It is what it is, and we'll get through it. But tonight, I feel sad.
We Took a Walk
We took a walk this morning and saw a seal, a few jelly fish floating in the cove, maybe 30 starfish hanging out on the floor of the water, and we got up close to the Lady Washington (the ship in the picture below).
When I take morning walks in Illinois, all I see is corn.
When I take morning walks in Illinois, all I see is corn.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
New Expotition Spot
After church today, we took off for an expotition at a Fort and State park that we've never visited before. We had such a good time. Again there were waves (Turns out there are more waves around here than I thought!). There were some beautiful overlooks where you could see the water which was so blue and clear that you could see all the pebbles under the water.
Carolyn was in a delightful mood all day today and we got to just sit and be as a family a couple of different times. She explored her Daddy's camera, enjoyed the breeze on her face, charmed the folk's in the lighthouse, and wiggled around in a blanket in the grass overlooking a stretch of beach.
We also explored an old light house. As I said below, I'm so intrigued by the lives of lighthouse keepers in the past. What an important, lonely job.
It was windy and sunny and cold enough to need a sweatshirt (which I purchased--It's pink! I've never actually DESIRED a pink article of clothing before, but I really like it!).
We don't have many more days left with Andy, so we're living them up as best we can. Expecially Carolyn! She's trying so hard to crawl before he leaves.
It's easy to live things up in a place as lovely as this though. Who has old-timey looking boats dock within view of their house? We love it.
So we're living, and resting, and enjoying, and being, and it is good.
A boat that's been docked in the cove near the place we're staying. We can see it from our deck!
Carolyn was in a delightful mood all day today and we got to just sit and be as a family a couple of different times. She explored her Daddy's camera, enjoyed the breeze on her face, charmed the folk's in the lighthouse, and wiggled around in a blanket in the grass overlooking a stretch of beach.
We also explored an old light house. As I said below, I'm so intrigued by the lives of lighthouse keepers in the past. What an important, lonely job.
It was windy and sunny and cold enough to need a sweatshirt (which I purchased--It's pink! I've never actually DESIRED a pink article of clothing before, but I really like it!).
We don't have many more days left with Andy, so we're living them up as best we can. Expecially Carolyn! She's trying so hard to crawl before he leaves.
It's easy to live things up in a place as lovely as this though. Who has old-timey looking boats dock within view of their house? We love it.
So we're living, and resting, and enjoying, and being, and it is good.
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A boat that's been docked in the cove near the place we're staying. We can see it from our deck!
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Friday, August 12, 2005
Addie, and Cindi, and Fay A, and Justakid, and Everyone
If you are one who prays, PLEASE pray for my friends at LCSC (Lung Cancer Support Community). The news there has been particularly dismal in the last few months. My Mom's passing was one of so many recently, and some long time much beloved members are just getting horrible news.
Pray especially for those that are having huge bumps in the rode. These folks are seeing recurrence, new staging, new mets, and all that goes with all of that. The collective heart of that online community is SO VERY heavy. All of us, but especially those whose battle has just become so much more intense, need many many prayers.
http://lchelp.org/
My heart just aches.
Pray especially for those that are having huge bumps in the rode. These folks are seeing recurrence, new staging, new mets, and all that goes with all of that. The collective heart of that online community is SO VERY heavy. All of us, but especially those whose battle has just become so much more intense, need many many prayers.
http://lchelp.org/
My heart just aches.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
100 Things About Me
I took my friend, Gina's (http://gina8724.blogspot.com/) challenge and this is what I came up with.
1. My name is Val
2. I have one daughter.
3. I’m married (to a wonderful man whom I adore)
4. I’m a Navy wife.
5. I don’t have a permanent address at the moment.
6. I stubbed my toe a couple weeks ago and tore some skin off and it’s just now healing.
7. I have freckles.
8. I have brown hair.
9. I go to church.
10. I try to love people like Christ loved people, and probably fail far too often.
11. I’m named after My Mom’s friend and my Dad’s sister.
12. I named my daughter after my Mom and my husband’s grandmother.
13. I like the beach.
14. I enjoy watching the sun set.
15. I’m scared to swim in the ocean because I’m paranoid about stinging creatures and other sea life
16. I spend way too much time on the internet.
17. I’ve spent a lot of time writing lately.
18. I’m staying at a really cute furnished vacation rental right now.
19. When I was in 3rd Grade, I had braces.
20. I used to have a huge gap between my teeth.
21. I still have a tiny gap between my teeth.
22. I’m a romantic, but I try not to be cheesy.
23. I’m a regular poster at 3 message boards.
24. I’ve met ‘people I knew from the interenet’ several times (like Gina!)
25. I like trees.
26. My favorite verse from the Bible is Jeremiah 17:7-8 (about trees!)
27. I still like to color in coloring books.
28. I love porch swings.
29. I’m going to a picnic today, but I’m not sure that I want to.
30. I love ice cream.
31. I frequently self-medicate with chocolate.
32. I don’t think there’s anything more comforting that Peppermint Tea in a big black mug.
33. I love the T.V. show Judging Amy
34. I read 22 blogs somewhat regularly.
35. I have trouble numbering things like this.
36. I keep several journals.
37. I hope to have a book published some day.
38. I may or may not be working on said book right now.
39. When I was in 3rd Grade I had to sing, "My Country Tis of Thee" every day.
40. My anniversary is June 29th.
41. I’m an INFP accorting to the Kiersey Temperment Sorter
42. Input, Developer, Connectivity, Cognition, and something else that starts with a C are my strengths on the strength finder
43. The primary stone on my engagement ring is a Sapphire
44. I love Italian food
45. I have a freckle on my middle right toe.
46. I met my husband in college.
47. I have a degree in Special Education.
48. I taught at one point for about 6 months.
49. Growing up, I never thought I’d move out of Illinois.
50. I’ve lived in Florida, and Washington and have traveled at least 16,000 cross country miles in the last two years.
51. I’m glad I moved out of Illinois even if it’s not a permanent thing.
52. I have a cat named Chester.
53. Growing up I had a dog named Sadie and I still miss her.
54. When I was little I had an imaginary friend named ‘Conky.’
55. It’s really annoying to me that so many of the items on this list start with the word "I"
56. From now on I’m going to try not to start any more items with "I."
57. I failed.
58. Growing up, I had a playhouse.
59. One of the things I enjoyed most in High School was Scholastic Bowl.
60. Band was also enjoyable to me.
61. Mandy Patinkin is one of my favorite actors.
62. Chicago Hope is still one of my favorite shows.
63. West Wing Seasons 1, 2, and 3 are part of my DVD collection.
64. Moline airport is my favorite airport from which to leave.
65. Daisies were the primary flower in my wedding.
66. My favorite scent is lavender.
67. Irises are my favorite flower.
68. My eyes are green.
69. While I was teaching the Home Ec. Teacher taught me to knit.
70. Currently I’m working on knitting a red blanket.
71. My hair isn’t colored.
72. Grey hairs have already made an appearance in my hair.
73. My parents helped to make me who I am and I think I had two of the most wonderful parents in the entire universe.
74. Questions are superior to Answers in my opinion.
75. Zimbabwe is one of my favorite words.
76. Fingernail sensations intrigue me.
77. My daughter has been exclusively breast-fed up to this point.
78. The house I’m living in at present has a water view.
79. When in Washington, I attend a Methodist church.
80. Last week, I visited Mt. Rushmore.
81. In addition, I toured a really funky sculpture garden.
82. Today, I haven’t had a shower.
83. In fact, I’m still in my p.js at the time of my writing this.
84. One of the things I’m known for is being a picky eater.
85. In the last few years I’ve learned not to be such a picky eater.
86. Vegetable consumption has become a more regular mealtime occurrence for me.
87. Broccoli and Asparagus still smell bad to me.
88. It is a rare occurrence for me to paint my fingernails.
89. One of my favorite things in the world is going barefoot.
90. This reminds me of my happy list which I have been keeping since High School.
91. Surprisingly, I have only one credit card.
92. Green is my favorite color
93. There was a pond near my house when I was a little girl.
94. Currently, I’m reading the book Blue Like Jazz
95. When I was little I didn’t like Winnie the Pooh very much.
96. Now I do.
97. The motto of my husband’s and my life together is, "Life is an Expotition. You’ll need a hat."
98. Yes, I do know that ‘Expotition’ is spelled wrong.
99. Words are something that I love.
100. Now, I’m done.
1. My name is Val
2. I have one daughter.
3. I’m married (to a wonderful man whom I adore)
4. I’m a Navy wife.
5. I don’t have a permanent address at the moment.
6. I stubbed my toe a couple weeks ago and tore some skin off and it’s just now healing.
7. I have freckles.
8. I have brown hair.
9. I go to church.
10. I try to love people like Christ loved people, and probably fail far too often.
11. I’m named after My Mom’s friend and my Dad’s sister.
12. I named my daughter after my Mom and my husband’s grandmother.
13. I like the beach.
14. I enjoy watching the sun set.
15. I’m scared to swim in the ocean because I’m paranoid about stinging creatures and other sea life
16. I spend way too much time on the internet.
17. I’ve spent a lot of time writing lately.
18. I’m staying at a really cute furnished vacation rental right now.
19. When I was in 3rd Grade, I had braces.
20. I used to have a huge gap between my teeth.
21. I still have a tiny gap between my teeth.
22. I’m a romantic, but I try not to be cheesy.
23. I’m a regular poster at 3 message boards.
24. I’ve met ‘people I knew from the interenet’ several times (like Gina!)
25. I like trees.
26. My favorite verse from the Bible is Jeremiah 17:7-8 (about trees!)
27. I still like to color in coloring books.
28. I love porch swings.
29. I’m going to a picnic today, but I’m not sure that I want to.
30. I love ice cream.
31. I frequently self-medicate with chocolate.
32. I don’t think there’s anything more comforting that Peppermint Tea in a big black mug.
33. I love the T.V. show Judging Amy
34. I read 22 blogs somewhat regularly.
35. I have trouble numbering things like this.
36. I keep several journals.
37. I hope to have a book published some day.
38. I may or may not be working on said book right now.
39. When I was in 3rd Grade I had to sing, "My Country Tis of Thee" every day.
40. My anniversary is June 29th.
41. I’m an INFP accorting to the Kiersey Temperment Sorter
42. Input, Developer, Connectivity, Cognition, and something else that starts with a C are my strengths on the strength finder
43. The primary stone on my engagement ring is a Sapphire
44. I love Italian food
45. I have a freckle on my middle right toe.
46. I met my husband in college.
47. I have a degree in Special Education.
48. I taught at one point for about 6 months.
49. Growing up, I never thought I’d move out of Illinois.
50. I’ve lived in Florida, and Washington and have traveled at least 16,000 cross country miles in the last two years.
51. I’m glad I moved out of Illinois even if it’s not a permanent thing.
52. I have a cat named Chester.
53. Growing up I had a dog named Sadie and I still miss her.
54. When I was little I had an imaginary friend named ‘Conky.’
55. It’s really annoying to me that so many of the items on this list start with the word "I"
56. From now on I’m going to try not to start any more items with "I."
57. I failed.
58. Growing up, I had a playhouse.
59. One of the things I enjoyed most in High School was Scholastic Bowl.
60. Band was also enjoyable to me.
61. Mandy Patinkin is one of my favorite actors.
62. Chicago Hope is still one of my favorite shows.
63. West Wing Seasons 1, 2, and 3 are part of my DVD collection.
64. Moline airport is my favorite airport from which to leave.
65. Daisies were the primary flower in my wedding.
66. My favorite scent is lavender.
67. Irises are my favorite flower.
68. My eyes are green.
69. While I was teaching the Home Ec. Teacher taught me to knit.
70. Currently I’m working on knitting a red blanket.
71. My hair isn’t colored.
72. Grey hairs have already made an appearance in my hair.
73. My parents helped to make me who I am and I think I had two of the most wonderful parents in the entire universe.
74. Questions are superior to Answers in my opinion.
75. Zimbabwe is one of my favorite words.
76. Fingernail sensations intrigue me.
77. My daughter has been exclusively breast-fed up to this point.
78. The house I’m living in at present has a water view.
79. When in Washington, I attend a Methodist church.
80. Last week, I visited Mt. Rushmore.
81. In addition, I toured a really funky sculpture garden.
82. Today, I haven’t had a shower.
83. In fact, I’m still in my p.js at the time of my writing this.
84. One of the things I’m known for is being a picky eater.
85. In the last few years I’ve learned not to be such a picky eater.
86. Vegetable consumption has become a more regular mealtime occurrence for me.
87. Broccoli and Asparagus still smell bad to me.
88. It is a rare occurrence for me to paint my fingernails.
89. One of my favorite things in the world is going barefoot.
90. This reminds me of my happy list which I have been keeping since High School.
91. Surprisingly, I have only one credit card.
92. Green is my favorite color
93. There was a pond near my house when I was a little girl.
94. Currently, I’m reading the book Blue Like Jazz
95. When I was little I didn’t like Winnie the Pooh very much.
96. Now I do.
97. The motto of my husband’s and my life together is, "Life is an Expotition. You’ll need a hat."
98. Yes, I do know that ‘Expotition’ is spelled wrong.
99. Words are something that I love.
100. Now, I’m done.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Determination
Carolyn is TRYING SO HARD to crawl. She's not there yet, but she's darn close. She's getting up on hands and knees and rocking. Sometimes she pushes herself back. The faces she makes when she's trying are just priceless. She's SO determined.
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