The Countdown

Any military wife will tell you that one of the worst things that you have to deal with regarding separations is 'the countdown.' The countdown in general is excrutiating. If you have a lot of prior notice, you have a lot of time for the knowledge that a separation is coming to hang over your head. If you don't have a lot of prior notice you have a shock to the system to adjust to.

We're in the last days of what has been a very long countdown. I have tried not to be too sad about them because these days are bonus. We didn't think we'd get them. They're a gift and by and large I want my attitude to be one of gratefulness.

But the truth is, I am sad. I get used to being with Andy again so quickly, and I adjust to him being gone so slowly. The last days are always some of the hardest because you can feel the time just slipping through your fingers. You go out and try to have fun and you really do have fun, but you do so knowing that it's going to be a REALLY long time before you can do said fun thing together again. Then you have to deal with the first days of the actual separation and those are pretty difficult too.

With just losing Mom, I am especially sad. To be honest at times I'm not sure how I'll make it through this. I know I will, but the always-onward outlook I'd been maintaining is gone and it's hard not to think that I'll just feel really bereft.

I write this not to complain, but to share. Unless you've lived this, you wouldn't know what it's like, now would you?

I don't want to be away from my husband. Six months (I hope only six) is a long time to be away from one's spouse. Most of the time I say things like, "Well this is what we signed up for," and, "This is just part of the game," when people talk to me about the separations. All of that is true, but what is equally true is that it's very, very hard.

I am sad for every milestone of Carolyn's Andy will miss seeing.

I am sad for every giggle he will miss.

I am sad for the Daddy-time Carolyn will be missing out on. She will miss the ways that he makes her giggle. She will miss being zoomed through the air like an airplane and the dozens of zerberts he gives her each day.

I am sad for every holiday that will feel empty without his presence (or Mom's).

I am sad for every night I will go to bed alone.

And given the climate of our world's situations, I'm scared too.

So anyway... I don't mean for this to be a pity party. I'm not asking for sympathy. This just is what it is. It is part of my journey and I blog about my journey, because I feel sharing the stories of our journeys is an important thing.

It is what it is, and we'll get through it. But tonight, I feel sad.