An Open Confession and Apology

Hi. My name is Val. And I am rude. This is something that I'm only recently discovering to be such a character deficiency of mine. I always felt that I exhibited at least average manners. Apparently I was as wrong as could be.

My Mil. Spouse message board has cycled through a few topics lately about how very rude people are these days. *Waves sheepishly at my spouse board*

Apparently it is highly offensive to neglect to RSVP and even worse to be late with or to not write Thank You notes.

So... Here are where the confessions start:

Until this year I rolled my eyes at RSVPs... Especially for weddings in which I stood up as part of the wedding party. For the last wedding I attended, I was *SO* proud of myself because I had remembered to send in the RSVP. I even included a little note to the bride saying I couldn't wait to meet her (I was a friend of the groom). A week before the wedding I got a phone call from the groom's Mom wondering if I was coming. My heart sunk. I had tried so hard to be a polite person... but it hadn't gotten there. I stuttered and stammered and assured her that I had sent in the RSVP and I couldn't understand how it wasn't there.

Last week I found a small envelope with my RSVP still in it, complete with my little note. *UGH* Again I goofed.

I will also admit to being very poor at writing Thank You notes. I can't remember if I got all of the ones sent for my graduation gifts. I do remember trying. I know I still had a pile of *addresses lost and not in the phone book* Thank Yous from my wedding that I finally gave up on last year, and this year... Well this year I will tell you that I have earnestly tried to get Thank Yous out... But it's an uphill battle to get a shower and dressed each day. So... My post-birth Carolyn thank yous didn't happen, and I'm still working on those from Mom's funeral.

One of my problems with Thank You notes is that I always find generic "Thank you for the ____s" to be a tad impersonal, and I try to spice them up a bit. That takes more time, and energy, and then I find myself overwhelmed. In reaction to overwhelmedness I quit. Quitting is not conducive to completing Thank You notes. You see the problem.

There are my confessions.

Here is my apology: I'm sorry to everyone whom I have slighted with my lack of RSVP/Thank You note etiquette. I really am. It has not been my intention to be rude or thoughtless, but I realize that might have been the message I sent through my oversight.

Now here are my thoughts about manners and etiquette in general. I credit my Mom for giving them to me. But I don't blame her for my deficiencies (how many weeks after Christmas did I sit with a fat pencil in hand writing, "Dear Aunt ____ Thank you for the toy. I like it. Love, Val"?)

See... I think Manners are nice and all. And I do think they make our society a friendlier place--a more pleasant place to be.

But they are meant to do just that. They are meant to make people feel comfortable. At the point in which they stop making people feel comfortable and start making them feel inferior, out of place, or in any other way uncomfortable, they cease to be manners. I don't want to hold onto my idea of manners as some measuring stick for the kindness, worthiness, or goodness of others (and I'm *NOT* saying that those who feel strongly about RSVPs and Thank Yous are this way).

When people come into my home, I want them to know that I like them as they are. If you want to eat with your elbows on the table, I might just join you. If you belch every other moment... Well I won't join you on that one.... I try to adjust my level of mannerliness to the occasion: Formal dinner=elbows off the table, sit up straight, use proper silverware. Incidentally my palms sweat straight through such things. Living room with DH and friends: Ooops. I forgot to put my napkin on my lap and I reached across you for the garlic bread. Experiencing less sweating though!

I forget to say Please and Thank You sometimes. Sometimes I chew with my mouth open. I've been known to eat with my elbows on the table, and I'm still not entirely sure how to use all the pieces of silverware on a formally prepared table. For all of these things I again apologize.

When I am old and grey, instead of being the lady at the dinner table clearing her throat at the child who forgot to put her napkin on her lap, I want to be the feisty lady, who winks at the child and gives them a hint and later tells them, "It took me a long time to learn that one, dear. You'll remember next time!"

I want to make people feel comfortable. Not guilty.

THAT is what manners are about in my opinion.

But.... I still do apologize for those that I have prevoiusly slighted. Brandy, Lauren, Becca, Ang--I'm coming to your weddings (I was there, remember?).

And I do sincerely, fully, gratefully acknowledge all of those who have been so kind to me and my family this year in gifts and support. Your kindness DIDN'T go unnoticed. Thank you for being there (and hopefully you WILL find a note in your mailbox soon).


Confessions/Apologies/and Thoughts ended.