I'm Ready...

I'm ready for my life to feel normal again.

I want my husband back in my arms. I want to hear his voice again. I want him to be with me to see C go through all her milestones, and I want to be able to hand her to him at the end of a long day, when I just want my arms to feel like my own again.

I am grateful for our being able to send and receive emails, which is what civilian-folk like to focus on when they hear of his goneness as if that makes it all better... but emails are really not enough.

I'm ready to live in my own house, with my husband and child and not be constantly figuring out how to make living with my father as an adult work better.

I'm also ready for people to stop looking at me like I have two heads when I try to explain that I only live here for six months, or that I am living with my Dad, or that I have lived between the northwest and the midwest so long that I don't know my way around either anymore.

I am ready for my life to not be about illness, or death, or grief.

I'm sure normal won't look or feel normal. I'm sure there isn't really a normal. But there has to be something more normal than what I am living now, and what my last year or more has been.

I guess I'm just tired.