Lighter impairment

Halloween is here, and Andy is at work. I wanted to light our jack-o-lantern (because I can't figure out if tonight is trick-or-treat or last night was supposed to be and we just didn't have any takers), but I have this problem... I have never been able to light a stupid lighter, or even strike a match with success.

I know. It's bizarre, and crazy, and weird! Unless it's one of those torchy kind of lighters, I'm just stuck. I tried, and tried, and tried to light our jack-o-lantern, and even got the lighter to light a few times, but couldn't get the candle lit.

So... I allowed my neighbor to see me in my patheticness. I knocked on the door and asked for help. Thank goodness, kind neighbor Dave cheerfully helped me out and didn't say anything about how crazy I am. So, the jack-o-lantern is lit. Still no trick-or-treaters....

I am still sick, but have some OTC medicines I'm going to try and hopefully that will help. Bless Andy's heart. He's been so patient with all my coughing and hacking and being grouchy because I can't sleep.

I'll get to go from Halloween to Christmas this week! One of my big tasks over the next few days will be to get our room ready for Sunday School and get things lined out for our Sunday School lessons for this next six weeks. We'll be telling the story of the Magi in several different ways. We were told to 'decorate, decorate, decorate,' and so I shall.

I know I'm supposed to be humbuggy about Christmas festivities coming so soon. But I have to be honest. I'm am very excited about this year's Christmas already. My husband will be home! Last year we started celebrating right after Halloween because Andy left for Basic Training in December. This year, I want the season to last and last and last because it's OURS together.

Our Christmas was still ours together last year. But it was very different. I learned in that short separation that somehow you are still with one another even if geographically you're not so much. I was grateful for the lesson.

But how delightful it will be to wake up beside my husband on Christmas morning, to walk in the snow with him... to read the Christmas account in Luke and have him sitting near me during the church services. He'll be able to help read "The Night Before Christmas" to my belly too!!! It will be fun to fall asleep to WHITE CHRISTMAS with him, bake coffee cake in the morning, and start forming our home traditions.

It's funny. I know we will have two separate kinds of traditions in our family. The 'with Daddy' traditions, and the 'missing Daddy' traditions. We'll work hard to make both sets very, very special.

Well, I have blathered on long enough. I can report with joy that we had our first trick-or-treater!!!! I'm so excited! He was a cute little chicken too! (Really, he was dressed up like a Chicken!)

Happy Halloween... and don't be so humbuggy about Christmas excitement so early. For some, it's a blessing! And for those that will be missing people this Christmas... my prayers are with you, and my heart hurts for you.

10 Days....

I've been sick for 10 days now. Not just 'oh a little cough, but life is pretty normal' sick... Sick like no energy, coughing so hard that I don't know how all of my organs stay in me, and overall feeling like crap. It wouldn't be so bad if I could get some sleep at night. But... last night was day four of having an awful time trying to sleep. For some reason my body thinks the night is the best time to try to get rid of the gunk I'm congested with... So I spend about half of it holding on for dear life as horridly deep coughs wrack my body.

It's bronchitis, as I've said. I don't have symptoms that would lead me to believe that it's really gotten any worse, and I've read it can take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to clear up. The doctor said to just tough it out. I'm not that worried, and I certainly know it could be worse.

But it is wearing to just not be able to get a good night's sleep, and never feel like I feel 'better'--Especially when energy levels are screwy anyway because of pregnancy. I suppose I can look at it as practice for when the little one comes... but darn it, if that's the case I want to be able to rest NOW!

Anyway... I just felt like whining.

In other news, we got our jack-o-lantern carved last night. He is a very happy pumpkin. He is also very large--over 30 lbs!!! I hope that we get trick-or-treaters tonight... That would make me happy, and maybe we could meet some more of our neighbors!

Another totally random thought... sometimes it is hard as I wait to find my social group (whether I ever will or not remains to be seen) to feel like anybody is excited about this pregnancy but me. Andy is excited of course... but I have no one to go shopping with. No one who really wants to listen to the details of my ultrsound, or sympathize with me about the oddities of pregnancy... It is discouraging. But again, that's probably because I'm feeling lousy and have too much time to think. I know folks from school and home care, but it is hard for me to see that sometimes.

Enough whining. If I feel up to it, today will be a baking day. In fact, perhaps I will go rise above my energy level and make Andy some breakfast. I've been thinking about coffee cake at times that I've had an appetite. I am going to choose to be happy and celebrate today even if I do feel like crap!

God's Creation

I know I've already posted more today than anyone would ever really hope to read, but I just simply had to comment one more time.

Between seeing my daughter in the ultra-sound today--seeing her little arms, legs, feet, hands, nose, mouth, the chambers of her heart, her kidneys, everything--and the glory of the lunar eclipse tonight I am taken aback by the amazing handi-work of God's creation. I have taken that for granted lately, but I was so blessed to have it cascading down all around me today.

Even this morning when I went to the doctor's office, I had a beautiful harvest moon looming over the horizon on it's way to sleep for the day, fog wisping over the mountains and islands in the sound, and the crisp outline of Mt. Baker somehow coming through despite the fog. It was amazing!

I am so thankful. I am thankful for the delicate knitting God does when he puts wee humans together. I am humbled that he allowed Andy and I to participate in this act of creation. I am amazed by the phenomenon of a lunar eclipse, and truly blessed by the delicate glory of morning.

I've needed a reminder of God's goodness. And Lo and behold I can say with Mitch McVicker--"There you are... in front of me!"

It's a.....

Well, here is the entry we've all been waiting for. Ok, so just mostly me... but still here it is!

We did have our ultrasound. It turns out that you can drink TOO MUCH water. Bless the technician. She excused me for a moment, and when I came back I was SOOO much more comfortable! (I seriously thought my kidneys and bladder would explode! hehe)

So for the good stuff. Little baby was very, very active. And we found out that...


well...


it's...


a GIRL!!

The tech. was about 80% sure. Still no guarantee, but enough for us to graduate from using gender neutral terms.

She waved at us, and punched back at the technician. Rolled, and rolled, and rolled. We got to see her heartbeat and then the tech. zoomed in and we could see all the individual chambers of her heart. It was so neat.

Now that we can put a 'she' to things, it all feels so much more real. I keep thinking about how I'm awful at doing hair... but a sweet little girl. How wonderful!!! I can just see Andy threatening her dates now. She will definitely be Daddy's little girl.

And the thought that made me cry was the thought of when her Grandpa H. sees her. I can't wait to see THAT look of instant love.

Both Grandma's of course were elated when we called. We're pretty elated too.

And that, is the news of the day.

Good news/Bad news

No... I haven't had the u/s yet. Patience people!

Well, I went to the doctor at the crack of dawn this morning (after not getting a wink of sleep from coughing).

The good news is... I don't have pneumonia.

The bad news is... The doctor couldn't give me any meds. I figured as much. I did some research and realized Bronchitis is usually viral, and thus doesn't respond to anti-biotics. So... I will stick to my home treatment of hot peppermint tea and warm baths.

And about the ultrasound later today:

The good news is... I get to see my bean on the screen in a few hours.

The bad news is... I am seriously going to drown from all this water that I'm not allowed to jetison! Ugh! As soon as I am done revelling in the beauty of my unborn child they will indeed need to SHOW ME THE BATHROOM!!!!

In other news... I think I've finally made some progress in tracking down my friend, Tara! That makes me happy!

Unless I post again just to psych people out, the next post will indeed be about the ultrasound!

One More Week...

Only one more week until Election Day and all I can think is THANK GOD!!! I can't wait for the verbal fist fights to just plain be over with for a while... The hostility and tension is exhausting, and the pigeon-holing is annoying... No matter who gets elected, I just can't wait til it's over!

Sick of Being Sick

It's been a while since I've written here. All avenues of Internet connection died in our home for about a week. It was good for me in some ways. I was thinking of doing an Internet Fast anyway, and that just clinched it. I made some progress in reading THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV--maybe even enough that I'll actually finish it this time!

I seem to have come down with Bronchitis. Kind of odd since I don't remember having any upper respiratory problems... Just lower resp. with a vengeance. I was lucky to be able to get a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to getting some kick-butt anti-biotics... until then, I'm laying low.

Wednesday is an exciting day for another reason! It's Ultrasound day!!!! Woohoo!!! Hopefully I will have delightful news to report here that afternoon.

Until then, you can find me on the couch sipping peppermint tea, reading Russian novels, or just staring blankly into the magic box known as the Television.

Thinkative

One of my favorite invented-by-me words is 'Thinkative.' It's different than thoughtful... Really it is. And it's not quite pensive either.

Tonight I am thinkative. But it feels good. I haven't taken time to be thinkative in quite a while. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I am afraid to be because thinkative involves things that aren't concrete, and lets face it... Things have been less than concrete for a while now! I don't need more of that! Maybe it's because I haven't had time in all the adjusting. Maybe it's because I've had so many other things to think about besides thinkative topics.

Tonight though, I was thinkative. I thought about where I am with God stuff, and where some of my less than healthy behaviours come from. I thought about churches and communities. I thought about my being thinkative.

I thought about questions and answers. I am afraid I am losing my questions. One of the things I have liked most about myself is my ability to ask questions, and my persistence in doing so. In college I met a couple people who were full of answers... At first I felt inferior because I didn't have many of those. Then I realized that my questions were a gift as well.

But I've stated more than asked lately. I've felt myself growing dogmatic in ways that I didn't expect. And what's more, the things that I had more questions about than answers--specifically faith things--I seem to have just kind of 'put down.'

So... I am going to try to practice asking questions again. When hormones don't have the best of me, I will even practice being thinkative. (Thinkative+Hormones could be a volatile combination!!!). These are gifts I need to hone!

Left Behind--not the books

Sometimes, I feel left behind. I got an email today from a friend that I went to camp with way back when. We both had our visions of changing the world and doing something powerful to the honor of God.

Well... she's off in Morocco doing just that. She's fighting for women there who don't have a voice, working to set up programs to promote better relations between the Arab and Western world, she's living in a different country, and busy at work for people who need help, including people like me with a narrow western world view.

I'm... in my living room folding laundry, organizing cupboards, spending too much time on the internet, watching too much t.v, knitting, trying to get through a Russian novel, and hoping that my short social excursions, to church functions mainly, are enough for me to call myself 'busy.'

I know that I am also sustaining a little life within my body and preparing to be a mother--something I've always believed was extremely noble... Who knows who this child will become?

But I guess growing up, I always saw myself doing more. I don't regret my choices to get married and start a life that would cause so much displacement or the choice to start a family, but sometimes I feel like I should be doing more... Like the potential that I always thought was within me is wasted somehow. It's a discouraging feeling. I always wanted to be a 'force for the kingdom.' Now I'm hardly even a force for the dust-bunnies to reckon with.

It's days like this that I think of running into my old history teacher the day we left to come to the Northwest, and him asking what I was doing these days. When I told him that I wasn't working, disappointment crossed his face... and hit down to the bottom of my toes too.

I know it's just a day, and I know that this is just part of this season of life. I know that there will be chances for me to make a difference down many different avenues that I'm sure to stumble down, or even stroll down with purpose. But today... part of me wishes I was doing something as powerful as working in Morocco.

Doula! and... miscellaneous

We met with our prospective Doula this morning. We really like her! Before you ask me, "What is a doula?!" I will tell you. A doula basically is a person who supports moms during labor. They help you to cope with the pain of childbirth through different means than doctors might. They're there to suggest position changes, be an advocate and go-between for mom to doc relations, and there to be a calming influence altogether.

Anyway, her name is Beth and I just really think she'll work out great. She is not against interventions as some doulas are, but she IS committed to making a mom's birth experience positive, and to following the lead of mom and mom's body.

It's a relief to us to feel so good about using her as our doula because of the high likelihood that Andy won't be around when baby makes his or her appearance. This way we KNOW there will be someone here to support me. Plus, we think she will really help to make this a very positive experience for us.

In other news... I officially gave up one of my addictions today. After too much drama at my military wives message board, and seeing too many people hurt, I decided since I was unable to make a difference by being a presence there, that it was time to go. It sounds silly, but this message board has been my main source of support as I've plunged into military wifeness. It's scary to know that it's not there anymore. However... I think this is the right decision. Maybe this will open up other avenues for me somehow. I will miss that place of support, but I just couldn't stand by and watch people get squashed for having a minority opinion anymore. I'm quite sure by noon tomorrow I will be going through extensive symptoms of withdrawl, but I will survive.

Perfect Day

Well, we survived our first week of night shift. Yay us! Today was very nearly the perfect day. We had a quiet morning. Stayed home, bummed around. After lunch we took off to have some fun. We stopped at an art studio here in town with some really beautiful pottery, and some unique quilts. Andy talked to the owner about getting a tea pot without glaze on the inside so that the tea will season the pot over time. (Christmas Present possibilities).

Then we took off to a nearby town that has a really neat downtown area. We were hungry so we stopped for lunch at a restaurant called The Mad Crab. It was the first time we'd been there, and I'm pretty sure it's my favorite place on the island so far! You have a beautiful view of the water from anywhere in the restaurant. We sat down and watched the gulls play, and some loons play peak-a-boo (the birds... not weird people). We think we may even have seen an otter. They had really good food too. We had a pizza with a very thin crust, but they also had sea food, pasta, and other things that even I would eat. Anyway, it was a nice leisurely meal and just exactly what I needed. They had a wood burning stove that smelled SOOO good, and it was the perfect kind of day for being cozy inside somewhere like that.

Then, we drove around that part of the island for a bit. We stopped at the Hummingbird Gardens and Shop because they had Christmas lights inside (those soo grabbed me from the cold, dreary day).

Then we came home and watched a movie, I did some knitting, and we had some hot cocoa.

It was just such a nice day. My favorite day here so far, I think. As a Navy wife you make perfect days like that EXTRA special because you always know you're making up for days you won't be able to have sometime soon. We didn't think of that today though, we just lived it and loved it. By the way, I love my husband.

My Poor Cat

Chester cat had quite a day today... He has Feline Urinary Syndrome (rough translatoin: Rocks in his pee). He had to go to the vet today to get checked out. Of course they poked and prodded him and weren't very patient waiting for his urine sample. He was there over 5 hours before all was said and done.

Then he was back in the car in his kitty carrier... Yeah, we smelled that smell, and you know what that means! Bath time!

So poor Ches came home and was thrown in the bathtub where dad got him all cleaned up. He looks so funny when he's all wet--looks about half as small as normal. Then I was mean and helped him dry off with a blow dryer... Poor guy.

He's sitting in a sun spot now. He has thoroughly licked himself dry and he's healing from the trauma. I expect he'll be over needing some cuddling soon.

Poor little guy...

God in Nolan's eyes.

I remembered this tonight at small group.

In high school and college I took care of 4 kids in my home town. One of them, Nolan, has autism. We were asked a question today about when we remember feeling God's presence, and suddenly I thought of Noley.

I remember one day driving in to their house after I'd said good-bye to my grandparents, feeling that it might have been the last time I did get to see them. I cried all the way in, composed myself long enough to look put together for Nolan's mom and dad and then sat down in Nolan's room to be quiet... then I started crying again.

I remember Nolan crawling up on my lap, hugging me and snuggling, giving me kisses. He kept reaching up and touching my face, and kept doing that until I had stopped crying. Here was this little boy who was supposed to have such trouble understanding the world around him... but he had entered into my world in such a real way. And I knew in that moment that it wasn't Nolan on my lap, it was Jesus.

It was such a neat thing to remember... I sure do miss my Nolan.

Renovare

In an effort to be involved, and busy, and also to keep focusing on my relationship with God, I decided to join a small group. I got very excited when I found out that this church was offering a Renovare group. I'd heard good things about that, and Rags didn't run screaming in the other direction when they heard the word. (hehe)

The first couple meetings I felt kind of unsure about everything. The ladies in my group are mostly my mom's age, and I'm really hoping to meet some ladies closer to my place in life. And... well, I just wasn't sure it would feel safe to share. But tonight was different. Tonight we started getting comfortable with one another, and were able to share. I was able to begin to hear the hearts of the ladies in the group, and found that I felt ok not sugar coating things--they didn't seem to be either!

This week, I will be practicing an excercise to learn about the contemplative tradition. I am anxious, but excited. I've found it very difficult to focus lately when wanting to spend time with God, and I've been rather wondersome about how to even relate to God at this point in my meness. I am excited to see what these disciplines may hold.

Over all... Good stuff.

In the Family Way

Of all the euphemisms, that you don't have to use anymore because people aren't afraid to say, 'pregnant,' I think my favorite is, "In the family way." When we decided to start trying to get pregnant we knew we wanted a family. We felt like our homes (remember we move a lot) would be more homey if a family were living there rather than just 'us.'

Somedays I am definitely overwhelmed at all the ways things are going to change. But then I remember that I know very few people (none) who would ever tell me that they regretted HAVING a child. Our world will be shaken up, but it will expend exponentially in love.

I wonder what sorts of traditions we'll have that our child will remember. I wonder what sort of routine we'll find to be our framework of stability.

And somedays I just wonder whether it'll be a girl or boy, what color eyes baby will have, what color hair, how small or large baby will be. And on those good days, I think more about rocking chairs than diaper pails. More about snuggling baby close, than 2 a.m. feedings. And I remember that it will be those things that I'll remember and treasure up in my heart as this little one gets older (all too fast).

I can't wait to see the kind of daddy Andy will be, or to see what sort of mommy I can be. I can't wait to remember childlikeness together as we experience the discovery of the world with our child.

Yes, I like to be in the family way. I'm glad we have a family.

Baby Kicking, Church, and other Noncategoricals

It's been a good weekend. Andy got most of Friday off because he started the night shift today. We spent Friday evening doing some shopping in a town nearby. We visited a Barnes and Noble and boy did I go overboard... The most exciting purchase was The Night Before Christmas, which we got for the baby. I can't wait until Christmas time when I can read it to my belly!!!

After shopping we watched a movie and while I was laying there watching I am almost positive I felt the baby kick. :) It sort of felt like my belly moved without my permission. What a delight!!! I think I have dealt with a bit of prenatal depression with this pregnancy, but I'm coming out of it. FEELING the baby move was just such a joy--such a feeling of connection! I can't wait to meet this little one.

This morning, church was a blessing. We are in a church that is highly unique if only because both Andy and I feel comfortable there. The really unique thing was that the pastor spent part of his sermon time confessing what he feels have been his weaknesses of late in the church. He was willing to be so humble and broken in front of us. It was amazing to us, and a confirmation that this may be our church 'home' for now. It also made me reflect on how difficult it must be to be a pastor... to be trying to orchestrate the workings of your church and letting God move and getting all sorts of feedback from your congregation. I was convicted about how I've treated pastors at other times, one in particular, to whom I contributed much cynicism and complaint, little encouragement, and when he was pushed out of our church I said not a word believing that dysfunctional body I believed in was doing God's will. *Puke*

It is so refreshing to be in a church that feels like home.... so wonderful to be with a body of people that I feel safe to be real with.

Lots of things struck me in a unique way this A.M. I was also greeted this morning by a lady who recognized me from small group. I walked in and she lit up--because I was there. It was the first time since we've been here that I didn't feel like a stranger. Later in the service, during the children's moment, the pastor had the children put their hands on the communion table to pray a blessing... Seeing those little ones blessing such a beautiful part of the church was just amazing. And then during communion, a mother had brought her little one with her to the rail and Pastor, rather than skipping over him, prayed a blessing over him--that did evoke some tears.

Now, Andy is at work for his first day of night shift. I must admit my anxiety manifested itself once again as I settle into this new shift. I'm not sure when to do things. It's so small, I know. I think perhaps because things have been changing so much lately, and I am anticipating even more change, this overwhelms me. Soon we'll be settled in though, this I know.

This is getting long, but on another tangent entirely, I do worry about Andy being gone when the baby is born. There is a good chance he will be. That hurts to think about. What hurts worse is knowing that soon after he meets the baby, he will leave for a short span of months, come back for a bit and then be gone for a long span of months. I imagine myself a nervous new mommy feeling so alone... but it will be another crucible to develop trust, and to remember hope. When the time comes I will awake each morning, do what needs done, and get through it.

Maybe someday I will stick with one topic that is thoughtful and poignant through these entries... or not... Until then, the chronicling of my mundane (or maybe not) goings-on will continue.

Thar She Blows...

Mt. St. Helen's had steam emissions today. Very cool!!!

Hello, Hello

Inspired by another Ragamuffin, I decided to add my thoughts to the fray of blogs out there. Maybe I need a project (maybe I need a life!). Maybe I need a place to process. Maybe I hope that something from this lifeness might strike a chord with someone who might happen to read these musings. I'm not sure. But here I am, blogging away.

A little background on me. I'm 23. Married to my best friend, a Sailor in the U.S. Navy. I'm expecting my first child. Life and ordinary transitions have turned me upside down in the last few months, but I'm hanging on. I'm a Christian, though sometimes I wince at the word. I consider myself a Ragamuffin of sorts. Messed up, imperfect, but loved.