Creating a Space

I realized recently something that is very important to me--especially with the things going on in my life right now. When talking with friends, or anyone really, I very much value it when a person 'creates a space' for me to talk about what I need to. I especially mean things that would qualify under the heading of 'difficult things' in life. (I really don't need a space created for talking about my new coat)

Let me see if I can explain what I mean. I have noticed that when people talk to me, knowing some of the difficult things that are currently on my plate, many different things can happen.

Some people ignore the difficult stuff completely. Don't ask, Don't tell seems to be the policy. For whatever reason they don't want to 'go there.' I'm sure the reasons for this vary. It could be that they want to spare me from having to talk about something difficult. Some I think, are uncomfortable or even scared by some of the things my family is dealing with right now. It is less awkward for them not to bring it up. A few might not realize the gravity of the situations at hand. Some may not care, or may not want to bring the conversation into 'downer' mode.

Some people ask... but ask half-heartedly. Within about the first half of sentence one of my answer, I can usually pick up a vibe that they are just asking because they feel that they should, or because they do care... but still don't really want to hear. So a question is asked or a comment is made and then the topic is quicky changed. The reasons for this are as varied as the reasons for not bringing it up at all, and many of them I suspect are similar. By the way--sentence one of my answer usually becomes 'sentence last.'

Some people ask with genuine interest... but then that's all that can be talked about. My feelings about things vary from day to day too, so sometimes I want to talk about normal things and not just hard things. I think when hard stuff happens, it's easy to get sucked into just that line of conversation. I guess that's because going from talking about tough stuff to McDonald's french fries doesn't seem natural (though I can think of several segues. *wink*)

And then... then there are the jewel conversations where a space is made for me to really talk about the tough stuff or not talk about it. In these conversations I sense the people talking really do just want to meet me and love me right where I am. I can give them a one sentence answer or go into details. The questions are thoughtful and sensitively asked. After the conversation I feel better, and I feel known. A genuine exchange has taken place, and I can feel peaceful about that.

The problem with the other scenarios is that the conversation either feels bloated with things not said or weighed down by focus on only the hard stuff. When a space is created to talk or not, I just feel better.

I'm happy to have made this discovery. I mention it not because I think people should fix how they talk to me, but more because I hope that realizing this will help me to love and support people that I know are going through strugglesome things. I hope I will remember to create that space. People are at different places on different days. That is ok. I don't fault anyone for not knowing how to deal with the things I'm dealing with--I don't know how most days. But I hope that in the future when it is me on the other end of siutations like the ones I find myself in now, I'll remember to create that space and the person with whom I'm talking will be able to walk away feeling loved and supported as a result.