Mommy Soapbox

I have been thinking about... how hard I have had to fight to clear my head of thoughts about the drudgery of mommyhood. I hear so frequently about how tiring being a mom is... How much it changes and rearranges your life (never mentioned in a positive light)... How smelly diapers are... How you never have sex again... etc. etc. I am sure these are legitimate complaints. Just as, pregnancy has had it's ups and downs I am sure being a Mommy will too. It can be so disheartening as I think of starting this journey to only hear those things, though.

It makes me wonder... Why isn't it more socially acceptable and socially practiced to talk about the blessings of motherhood? When Mom's get honest, I can't think of ONE who would ever trade any of their kids for anything.

When Andy and I were researching family planning methods before we got married, one thing that really hit me was how prevelent the idea that 'children are a burden' is in this society. But... that's not the message I hear in scripture... One of God's first commands to Adam and Eve was to populate the earth! (Hooyah! God said--Go have some hanky-panky, and make some babies, you two!). I don't think God sends burdens to people. I don't think our mindset should be, "Avoid children at all costs, or at least until variables X, Y, Z, and J, L, K are completly in place, or you're in for a world of hurt and little sleep." Children must be amazing gifts!

With all that is happening in my family right now, the one thing I am SURE of is the timing of this baby. I know she is supposed to come NOW (well, you know... when she gets here). Deployments and separations from Andy, aside.... this is the time for this baby to get here. I have taken such peace and strength from that thought. I know this little girl will be a blessing, and I know I can trust that now is her time to come into the world.

As I find myself talking to other friends and acquaintences who are newly pregnant, I don't want to give accounts of gloom and doom. When they tell me they haven't had morning sickness yet, I don't want to say like so many people said to me, "Wait til it gets here. You've got time." I don't want to JUST talk about the aches and pains and difficulties and make them feel as if the nine months will be pure torture. I want to be honest and listen to their gripes, because I got so tired of feeling like I had to be glowing all the time... but, I want to help myself and others keep in mind that ultimately this event is a blessing, as well.

If you've been reading here long, you've seen that I've written my share of my gripes and moans about this pregnancy. Pregnancy IS hard... but guess what--this little girl is growing inside of me... and soon she'll be here!!! (admittedly these last few weeks pregnancy-wise have been fun... I'm so CUTE and round and people actually GET that I'm pregnant when they see me! I don't even mind the waddle so much).

So I think that is my first Mommy soapbox. Please send me back to this post when you hear me complaining about the difficulties of mommyhood (you know... or don't because I might get really mad at you and beat you with a 2X4). I want to make room to be honest about the situation--I KNOW the ups and downs will be there... but I don't want to just gripe at the expense of losing sight of the blessing!

Odds and Ends

Yesterday we set up our Pack-n-play to evaluate whether or not we could use the bassinet that it includes for the wee farkle when she gets here. We got it together, and I must say those things are pretty darn cool contraptions! After seeing it put together, I set out to get mommy advice about whether or not Pack-n-play bassinets are appropriate, safe, and workable for every day use. In so doing, I got my first lesson in mommy madness: Everyone has an opinion. Everyone will give you an opinion. Some opinions might make you feel like you are not a good Mommy or make you feel neurotic about your possible choices.... Those opinions are better left untouched.

After shopping and picking up a couple of sheets for the Pack-n-play bassinet and getting enough, "Your kid'll be JUST fine," reassurance, we decided that would be the way to go. Buying extensive baby paraphenelia when there will be a 2000 mile relocation of mom and baby soon after baby's arrival just does not make sense in many ways.

So... my baby now has a place to lay her head and various recommended 'odds and ends,' and I feel like she can show up any day now and I can be comfortable enough with what we have. Now I just need some spurts of nesting instincts so I can get those odds and ends a little more organized in the interim baby stuff space holder room.

After shopping, we tried a new pizza joint known as 'Alfy's.' We were very much not impressed. We were not given plates, or forks. When Andy walked to the front desk and asked for a fork (after he waited and waited at the same desk for a plate), he was told that the waitress "could maybe find one... somewhere...." The employees seemed very much interested in something happening in the back room, because each time we needed something at the front desk (like plates, and forks...?!) we waited for 5-10 minutes to even be noticed. In addition, the pizza was very, very bland. Overall, we suggest if you visit the Northwest and see an Alfy's, don't eat there. Interestingly enough they advertise, "Guaranteed to please, or it's free." Given that the mean age of workers present when we were there was 15, we figured complaining at that point would be pointless, but I do wonder if they will back up that claim when I send in a letter about our experience with the receipt attached. Yes, Yes... The Andy and Val dining luck continues, as well as the search for good pizzeria pizza in our current location.

After over a week of ear discomfort and near-deafness I am finally beginning to be able to hear out of my left ear. It's very nice. I'm not sure it is completely better because I still find that I am listening to the T.V. at the same volume level as both of my very hard of hearing grandmothers. I can't wait for the fluid to start clearing out of my right ear, too. Sudafed... Ha! I am starting to feel better sometimes as well. Getting out in the fresh air helped last night and I have had moments of feeling almost human today. I do hope this is the LAST BOUT of any sort of bug for the remainder of this pregnancy... and hopefully further on!

People who think military work is just another 9-5 type job with deployments thrown in here and there should think again. Watches and duty weekends are not the norm for most 9-5 jobs I know about. Andy has had a very 'heavy on the watches' type week. He had a watch sprung on him Tuesday evening from 4pm-12 am. Friday night he again pulled a 4pm-12am watch, and tonight on top of work, he will serve a 12am-8am watch. *sigh* No fun. On top of that, the Petty Officer in charge of early morning muster this morning was having a day of cranial-rectal inversion and kept the guys in mustering every 30 minutes this a.m. because a couple of guys did not show up. My husband has seen far too much of the base for this to have counted as a weekend, but... I suppose the guys must put in their time with the yucky stuff. At a time when every moment spent together is hoarded greedily, it isn't much fun, but at least he comes home to me every night (er... morning).

Those are a few tidbits of 'what's going on around here.' If you ask me how I am lately, I'll most likely tell you 'We're plugging along.' Leave it at that. That is far good enough for me right now, and I am thankful for God granting me the ability to continue 'plugging.'

Now... off to find something to occupy my time until I decide to sleep.

Thoughts on Iraqi Vote

I'm not sure why, but each time I see photos of the Iraqi people voting, I get chills or teary-eyed. It's amazing to me to think that despite all the danger surrounding the vote this weekend, people STILL showed up to make their voices heard. It's especially neat to see the Iraqi women at the polls. Wow... I mean, Wow...

It sure puts to shame Americans who don't vote just because they are apathetic or too busy or don't have time to get educated, don't you think?

Those feelings, as well as prayers breathed over and over for the safety of all those involved kept popping up for me all weekend. I'm not sure what the political spinsters are saying about it all, but I think what happened today was nothing short of incredible.

I figured it out... Sudafed!

Well, did I mention that I'm sick again? I don't know why I bother to say again. I can't really say I've ever completely stopped being sick since that bout of bronchitis in October. I think I've caught several different varieties of bugs along the way, but save for maybe 2 or 3 weeks of feeling closer to not sick I'd say I've pretty much been ill for 3 months.

I've had symptoms of these various sicknesses at each of my doctors appointments. In the past 3 months I haven't been able to tell my doc that I've been feeling well. Granted, the pregnancy is going ok, but MY wellness isn't so much. Each and every appointment he would check out my ears, or my throat, or my nose, or whatever I was complaining about... Explain about viral infections... Look and sound really sympathetic and finally say, "Take Sudafed!"

So it finally dawned on me... My doctor must be getting some major money from the Sudafed company. That MUST be it. In fact, when I very emphatically and persistently asked him yesterday if there wasn't SOMETHING that could be done for me given that I've had three full months of feeling like crap and I'd really prefer to not be battling a cold or the flu, or anything else when I'm in labor, he said... "well, we could give you a heavy duty decongestant--basically it's Sudafed... at a higher dose!"

Ding! Ding! Ding! That must be it!

Oh well, I'll keep doing what I'm doing (after all, it's been working so well!). I suppose I'm a bit less miserable today. Hearing isn't really all THAT important and sore throats can't slow me down too much. At least the crappy congestion stuff seems to have eased off for the moment.

Really, it's not that big of a deal. Not feeling well is really the smallest thing on my plate right now. Besides, it allows me to get Andy to do lots of things around the house I don't really want to do.

In case you're wondering... other stuff from this last doctor's appointment: Baby girl, or rather my 'fundal height,' was measuring about 32 cm. If I understand correctly that measurement is supposed to roughly coincide with the week of gestation give or take 1 or 2. That means I might be measuring just a teeny bit small as I am at 35 weeks. (A relief to me... have I mentioned I'm terrififed I'll give birth to a 20 lb. baby?) Her heartrate was right on track at about 153 bpm. She even seems to be in a good position for showing up... Head down, butt up (Makes some really fun lumps at the top of my belly now and then!)Everything looks good. Wonder when little girl will decide to get here?

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'm off to take some Sudafed!

Ear Maladies

Well, the pressure changes in the plane today weren't too bad until the final flight's descent. I STILL can't hear out of my right ear. It is very irritating. I want the vacuum that is messing with my ear drum to... stop!!

Here is a what I learned tonight about the plane pressure/ear popping phenomenon: http://www.sinuscarecenter.com/bareraao.html

Antsy....

Even though this was just a short separation, I could pace a hole in the floor waiting for Andy to get home tonight. His flight is due in in just a few minutes, but I'm expecting delays... I don't know what to do with myself. I got sick while I was at first home and still feel lousy, so I didn't clean the house from tip to top when I got in from the flights today, but I need to find SOMETHING to do to take up time until he gets here, or I'll go MAD!!!

It's funny how in just a couple of weeks the sound of my husbands voice can sound so new again. I know that when he comes home and gives me that first hug it will feel foreign and perfectly familiar all at once.

One of the things that is strangest and hardest for me to adjust to with this lifestyle is the fact that he leaves for a certain amount of time and goes to this whole other world that I don't know about. I can't know, past a few vague emails what is going on day to day with him. I can't imagine what the flight deck is like, or what it must be like to live on a ship. It feels lonely sometimes knowing that he is experiencing things that I can't enter into.

The same is true for me when he's gone. Different things happen. I handle things thrown at me in ways I can't even explain to him. Especially this time, with my going home and dealing with situations there. It will be hard to explain to him what all of that was like.

Anyway... this was just a short one (Thankfully), but I can't wait til he walks through that door.

HURRY UP PLANE!!!!

Creating a Space

I realized recently something that is very important to me--especially with the things going on in my life right now. When talking with friends, or anyone really, I very much value it when a person 'creates a space' for me to talk about what I need to. I especially mean things that would qualify under the heading of 'difficult things' in life. (I really don't need a space created for talking about my new coat)

Let me see if I can explain what I mean. I have noticed that when people talk to me, knowing some of the difficult things that are currently on my plate, many different things can happen.

Some people ignore the difficult stuff completely. Don't ask, Don't tell seems to be the policy. For whatever reason they don't want to 'go there.' I'm sure the reasons for this vary. It could be that they want to spare me from having to talk about something difficult. Some I think, are uncomfortable or even scared by some of the things my family is dealing with right now. It is less awkward for them not to bring it up. A few might not realize the gravity of the situations at hand. Some may not care, or may not want to bring the conversation into 'downer' mode.

Some people ask... but ask half-heartedly. Within about the first half of sentence one of my answer, I can usually pick up a vibe that they are just asking because they feel that they should, or because they do care... but still don't really want to hear. So a question is asked or a comment is made and then the topic is quicky changed. The reasons for this are as varied as the reasons for not bringing it up at all, and many of them I suspect are similar. By the way--sentence one of my answer usually becomes 'sentence last.'

Some people ask with genuine interest... but then that's all that can be talked about. My feelings about things vary from day to day too, so sometimes I want to talk about normal things and not just hard things. I think when hard stuff happens, it's easy to get sucked into just that line of conversation. I guess that's because going from talking about tough stuff to McDonald's french fries doesn't seem natural (though I can think of several segues. *wink*)

And then... then there are the jewel conversations where a space is made for me to really talk about the tough stuff or not talk about it. In these conversations I sense the people talking really do just want to meet me and love me right where I am. I can give them a one sentence answer or go into details. The questions are thoughtful and sensitively asked. After the conversation I feel better, and I feel known. A genuine exchange has taken place, and I can feel peaceful about that.

The problem with the other scenarios is that the conversation either feels bloated with things not said or weighed down by focus on only the hard stuff. When a space is created to talk or not, I just feel better.

I'm happy to have made this discovery. I mention it not because I think people should fix how they talk to me, but more because I hope that realizing this will help me to love and support people that I know are going through strugglesome things. I hope I will remember to create that space. People are at different places on different days. That is ok. I don't fault anyone for not knowing how to deal with the things I'm dealing with--I don't know how most days. But I hope that in the future when it is me on the other end of siutations like the ones I find myself in now, I'll remember to create that space and the person with whom I'm talking will be able to walk away feeling loved and supported as a result.

Feet on the Ground

Well, I made it to first home... There were times I was sure I wasn't going to, but here I am. Let me just give a little word to the wise: If at all possible when ordering plane tickets... Do NOT choose a connecting flight out of Chicago O'Hare airport in January.

Because of Chicago's delays (fog is an evil, evil thing) we sat in Seattle for an extra couple of hours. Then we sat in the plane to leave for Seattle for an extra 20 minutes or so. When we landed in Chicago, we sat in the plane some more. By the time I got inside at Chicago my flight to the next place was 9 minutes from landing. I waddled all over the airport and found that I'd been bumped to a later flight on another carrier. So, I waddled to another terminal, found my next gate, got me a new ticket, waddled to get some food, and then collapsed. I gotta tell you, I must have been a tremendously funny site waddling to and fro yesterday. As for me, all I can say is... Waddling that far is not so fun.

When I finally got onto that flight (it was delayed too), we were told that it may not land where it was supposed to... No, in fact, it might go to KENTUCKY instead. I was so not pumped about visiting Kentucky. It's a nice state and all, but not the one I wanted to fall asleep in last night. Thankfully, due largely to the positive attitude of our stewardess I'm sure, we landed where we were supposed to...

HOWEVER my luggage didn't. It's supposed to show up here today, but who really knows. I'm praying it's not lost.

By the way, this is all a very watered-down version, but I fear you would grow bored if I gave you the whole darn-diddly thing.

It was all worth it when I woke mom up to give her a hug. And I have got a great Daddy too... he spent 3 or 4 hours at the airport waiting for me and trying to get information.

So now I'm here. Am missing Andrew, but that's unavoidable. He is officially underway now. Very Sailorish, don't you think? I thought that I had missed my last chance to talk to him by phone before he pulled out last night, but he woke me up this morning so that is not the case. I'm so glad... One of the worst feelings that comes in all this Navy wifeness is the feeling that you just can't get to your husband. I desperately NEEDED that call.

We shall see what adventures come my way now that my feet are again on the ground for a while.

Today

Today was nowhere near what I expected it to be. I didn't feel the amazing whoosh of vacuum-type emptiness that I did when Andy left for Basic Training. I cried when he left, went back to sleep and woke up and did my day.

I got quite a bit done, but still have a bit to do before I take off tomorrow.

What's better, I had the chance to spend some more time with Jamie. We went out and got some ice cream and I spent some time meeting her kitties and looking at photos this afternoon. It was nice to not be alone and to know we were both going through the same thing without having to talk about it (her husband has commenced floating around in circles on the same ship as Andy).

FINALLY, I have found my ice cream buddy... I'm so glad.

I've kept myself busy, and actually managed to feel upbeat today. Now... to tackle the joys of travelling tomorrow. Snow--Stay Away!!!

Website to See

Over two years ago now, Andy and I were wandering through the St. Louis Art Museum when we stumbled upon a painting that we found amazing. It was called, "January Hour--Epiphany." It was the kind of painting that you have to sit with, so we did.

While we were sitting there, Andy pulled out a box and got down on one knee and proposed to me.

The proposal is not the point. The creator of that amazing painting is. His name is Makoto Fujimura and the more of his work that I see, and the more of his words that I read the more impressed I am with him.

So... I encourage you to check out his website:

http://www.makotofujimura.com/index.html

Be sure to hit refresh a few times on the main page, so that you can see some of his work. I think my favorite is, "Costly Grace."

The Night Before

I've said many times that I am the epitome of the phrase, "Tis the attempt not the deed that confounds us." (Thanks Will Shakespeare) I anticipate like mad... full of worry and upsetness in the before... that makes me feel 'stuck' at getting started... . but when I'm actually doing what needs done I usually do alright.

Tomorrow... things start. Andy will fly out in the AM to float in circles for a bit, and I fly out to first home on Tuesday. I know it's the beginning of separations and other hard things... and it's the downhill slide for baby girl coming. I'm anxious, sad, worried. But we'll do ok. It's almost a relief to get to the 'doing' rather than the 'dreading.' I think though that I'll feel that relief more a bit further down the line.

For now... I just hope I can get some sleep tonight. I have plenty to keep me busy tomorrow!

Thoughts from Every Which Way

'Ghetto Cookies'

I made oatmeal scotchies today. I used Western Family margarine. Big mistake. I've never seen such ghetto looking cookies in my whole life. They tasted ok, but they just looked pathetic. Luckily, the guest I had over to enjoy the cookies with me was very forgiving. Note to self: Never ever buy Western Family margarine.

First Home and Pizza

I'm all set to fly back to 'first home' on Tuesday. I'm nervous, but looking forward to the visit. I'm also looking forward to some good LaRoma's pizza. There's nothing as wonderful as GOOD pizzeria pizza.

Chester's New Friend and Good Taste

Chester has made a new people-friend. Her name is Jamie and she came over to play games with us on New Year's Eve. She came over again today and each time she does he lets her know that she is special. Sometimes I almost feel jealous as he rubs her legs, loves her, and gives her kisses like she's going out of style. She will be taking care of him during my trip/Andy's detachment, so I'm sure they'll have lots of time to bond. Incidentally, I'm finding that Chester has very good taste. I think Jamie will be a good friend, and I'm so grateful to have met her.

Productivity

Yesterday was a productive day and I was excited to see many things fall into place. I got more done and settled yesterday than I have probably in the last two weeks. It felt good. Unfortunately, I found that I'd overdone it by the time it was time for bed. Ouch!

Mixed-up Weather People

The weather and weather people here crack me up. An 'exciting weather day' is any day that might contain both rain and sunshine. We're supposed to get maybe an inch of snow tonight and the T.V. Weathermen are acting like it's a huge blizzard. People here aren't used to snow like we were back at first home. Yesterday I saw people in the grocery store 'stocking up because we were going to get snowed in.' One inch of snow predicted... I just have to laugh.

We're Almost Set!

I discovered yesterday that supplies wise we are in pretty good shape for the arrival of Baby Girl. I had been pannicking. I realize now that aside from one or two larger items we have almost everything we need. Because we will likely be seeing a change of residence soon after Baby Girl gets here we aren't even going to worry about a crib yet. Realizing that we are so close to being squared away really took a huge load off of my mind.

And speaking of the baby. Thanks to my friend Gina, the girl is SET UP wardrobe-wise. Gina acquired some baby girl clothes through Freecycle and passed them on to me. There were some wonderful things in the huge bag she gave us, from adorably frilly little dresses to sleepers, to a swimsuit!! The best part was they weren't all pink!!!

The Almost End

So... since I have thoroughly jumped from here to there in my randomness, I think it shall be time to close.

A BTW

By the way--Isn't the mountain picture pretty? It's fun to have views like that anytime we leave the house. I'm still not used to living so close to both mountains and the ocean!

The End

I'm really done now.

Sometimes I still can't believe I LIVE here. 

Gloomy...

Tonight I am feeling a little gloomy. Andy will leave late this week or early next for his first trip out. It's not a long one, but it is the beginning of a year full of lots of separations--short and long. I don't doubt that we'll make it through, I'm just dreading being without him. That dread makes me know how lucky I am... That man means so very much to me.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I just... don't have any oomph. Maybe it's pregnancy and hormones. I know I'm tired. Mom says productivity is lacking during pregnancy, so maybe it is just another phenomenon common to the condition.

I will head back to my 'first home' next week for a short visit. I am looking forward to that, but I'm anxious about flying this far along. I know once I get there I'm covered. My wonderful sister-in-law is just a phone call away, and I know she knows a doctor or two who would take good care of me should the need arise. It will be good to be home, but I do feel anxious about that in general.

Today was my 32 week appointment. Everything looks like its on track. I'm measuring at about 30 centimeters and if I read things correctly that is supposed to be about equal to how many weeks along I am. Is it possible that I'm measuring a little small? One of my greatest irrational fears through this pregnancy was that I was going to give birth to a HUGE baby. I guess we shall see. For now, I'll choose to be encouraged by the measurements.

You might notice I haven't mentioned the Tsunami in my ramblings... I haven't known quite what to say. I haven't let myself watch or read too much about it because I'm just not up to it right now... I can't imagine the devestation and I am floored at the absolutely huge chunk of humanity that we just lost all at once. I believe every person's passing makes a difference to humanity as a whole..... So many at once... I just can't fathom it. I know I should put my little 'gloominess' into perspective by realizing how very blessed I am in the face of such a tragedy... but when I try to do that I just feel more gloomy.

Anyway... enough of my gloom-glut. Hopefully tomorrow will look a little brighter.

New Year, New Things

The New Year is here. The question is, what will it hold?

My daughter will be born this year. I'm finding to my delight that my excitement is growing over that event, finally drowning out the anxiety I also possess. I will finally get to meet this little person who has taken up residence in my abdomen for the past few months. We will 'officially' become a family. I was encouraged today to talk to a lady at church who mentioned casually how very happy she is to be a mother. I seem to think too often of the comments I hear about the drudgery of motherhood. To see this woman's eyes sparkle with joy as she talked about her kids and how worth it it was to get through the difficulties of pregnancy made me remember why we started this venture in the first place. It is time for us to become a family. I am confident about the timing of this little girl's appearance. She promises to be a bundle of hope for all of our family as we go through the delights and challenges of this year and those to come.

This year will be my first extensive go at the crucible of life known as separations from Andy. Very soon he will go on his first Detachment. It sounds as if we will see many of these shorter separations before his eventual deployment. It will be interesting to see how we adjust to the yo-yo effect of him being gone, and coming home, being gone, and coming home. And then... the first deployment. I know that we will survive, but I cannot help but feel anxiety and sadness knowing that we will spend more of this year apart than together. I know that we will grow in many ways separately, and that somehow when we come together at the end of things, we will find a way to bring those new developments of self together to be even stronger as husband and wife than we were before.

I will likely be dividing my time between two states this year as well... I feel that I need to be available for family situations unfolding at 'first home.' I will be blessed with the priveledge of walking through the ups and the downs of the battle facing my parents this year, and I feel the need to be nearer to them for that. I am excited about the prospect of them having lots of time to dote on their grand-daughter and encouraged to know that I will again be near friends and families that we miss when living so far away.

And then... what else? A year ago I didn't know I would live in three different states in one year, nor did I know that by year's end I would be living on an Island. As last year began I never would have guessed that we would make the decision to start a family and that very quickly after that decision I would find myself carrying our daughter. I would have been suprised had you told me a year ago that I would be a stay-at-home-wife the majority of this year, rather than getting more experience in the workforce.... Yet, all of those things have been our reality this last year. What unforseeables lie ahead in 2005? I am grateful to God that he doesn't give me the whole picture sometimes. As overwhelmed as I am about what I know of this coming year, if all the things I don't yet know about were factored in, I'm sure I would run away to my cave in Zimbabwe in fear.

And that brings me back to the quote that keeps me sane time and again...

"I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.' He replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put thy hand into the hand of God. That will be to thee better than a light, and safer than a known way.'" --M. Louise Haskins

Looks like I'll continue to learn about trust. Please take note--be careful what you pray for. I prayed the Lord would help me to be patient... He led me to pursue a career in special education and related fields and to marry a man in the Navy. What was I thinking when I prayed to learn to trust?!

Did I Swallow a Watermelon... 

Or is there a wee baby in there?