Real Life and Plans

"Life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans." --John Lennon

The Beatle was right, I am fully convinced. My last week has been full of life happening while I was busy making other plans. My family is now dealing with the challenges that present themselves when they find that one of the members has a serious illness. That caught us without looking, or at least caught me that way. And my Thanksgiving Day in general can only be described as, "Not at all as I planned it."

But you know what? It's ok. I am going to try to see it as a challenge to really get the Thanks giving aspect of Thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I have such wonderful parents. They're coming to visit, and will be here tomorrow. They have been a constant sense of support and encouragement. I am so thankful. My husband was home for this holiday. I think it's our first official holiday together all year, minus Halloween which really doesn't count as a 'family holiday' necessarily. We spent lots of time together. We took naps. We cooked goodies. How can I not be grateful for that?

People change plans or don't communicate plans and that can really throw you into a tailspin. Life in general does the same thing sometimes. I know I am one who gets an image of what is going to happen over a given period of time and when things don't work that way I emotionally spasm. But in the end, it's beautiful. There's beauty even in the uncertainty, the fear, the annoyance and frustration, and in the disappointment that can come when plans are changed or interrupted.

So today, instead of being frusterated or annoyed because the people I thought were going to show up at my house didn't come (leaving me with a rather large heap of food that I had purchased and prepared just for them), and instead of being depressed and angry about the larger interruptions and plan changes life has thrown at me and my family lately, I am going to try to be thankful. I will admit it's been easier some moments than others, and I expect that will continue to be the case. But, Thankfulness is a cause worth fighting for.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Time With Rocks, Waves, and Driftwood

Sometimes, I need to remember that the world is bigger than what I see. I need time to get quiet and look at the horizon far away and just be. I need to feel air on my face, and feel something other than concrete or carpet under my feet. I long for a place where I can breathe deeply and throw my hands up in joy, desperation, or both and to feel that I am a part of the humming aliveness of the world around me.

Andy and I spent some time on one of the beaches on base today to fulfill that need. I don't know what it is about taking time to do that, but it soothes the savage beast in me like nothing else will. When I take the time to step outside and remember to be I can accept the idea that I am a very small part of the world, and that I am not in control of the things happening around me.

We spent time walking and sitting, inspecting rocks, and watching birds flap in and out of the water. We took silly pictures near pieces of driftwood, and used the same material to build a makeshift Tripod to do so. I'm glad we took the time to do that. I need to remember to more often. It makes my tomorrows--whatever they may hold--a little easier to face, and helps me to remember goodness.

Mom and Dad, we'll take you there to play when you visit! You need to see the pinks edges of the mountains as the sun starts to set and the birds playing in the surf... We'll frolic, though, I promise!

AT3 Andrew

I am a proud wife today. Andy was frocked as a Third Class Petty Officer!!! By the way, I really don't like the term, 'Frocked.' It reminds me of... little dresses, or priests robes. Andy does not wear little dresses or priests robes. It was even worse when at the ceremony they were called, "Frockees." It sounded like "Frockies." But that is really besides the point.

Anyway, the ceremony was interesting, if a little quick. I think that instead of all these seminars about drunk driving and such that these sailors sit through they should do some public speaking courses... (Just kidding, though I did want to give the man using the microphone some pointers about not trailing his voice off at the end of his phrases.) It was very casual and everyone even felt comfortable laughing when the alarm on one of the 'Frockees' cell phones went off.

And now my husband is a Petty Officer. He has a very nice bird with a stripe on his arm. I'm pretty sure that makes him happy. It will be interesting to see what new responsibilities he may be asked to take on. I am certain though, that whatever they may be he will handle them with poise and integrity.

Now I'm off to try to clean out the baby's room so as to make room for someone to sleep there next weekend. If I don't post for a while, you might want to call and check up on me! I'm afraid I'll get lost in there!

Happy promotion day to Andy!

Power Rangers for Jesus!

Andy and I are teaching Sunday School these days. It's a lot of fun. I enjoy having contact with kids, even if it's only once a week. For this six weeks, we are talking about the gifts the wisemen brought Jesus and reading the story of Old Befana. For one of the activities, the kids are making or drawing pictures of gifts that they would give to Baby Jesus.

Today we had the Kindergarteners, and they were, of course, adorable and wiggly. They also had some pretty fun ideas of what they would give Jesus. Under our 'Gifts for Baby Jesus' Christmas Tree we ended up with two or three Red Power Rangers, a couple of yo-yos, a pitcher for Jesus to drink out of in case he got thirsty, a bunny, a puppy, some angels, and a couple of stars. Each of the kids trotted up proudly and told us what they would give Jesus and why. Most of their answers were things like, "Because I like it," or "Because it's fun." The explanation for giving Jesus stars and angels were, "Because a star is how the whole world knew that he had come to earth," and "Because angels came when He was born." One little guy gave him a globe, "Because that's where he came to live!"

Now on one hand, I could start going on about how the prevelence of Power Rangers reflects the materialism of Christmas in our society. But you've heard all of that, and I'm not in that kind of mood. What I think is neat is that these kids picked things that they enjoyed and delighted in. They picked their favorite things and chose to give it the most special person they know. I think Jesus would really like to have had a puppy to play with when he was growing up. A dog would've been great company in a Carpenter's Shop, don't you think? I was informed that he wouldn't be able to cuddle with a bunny "because it was a real one.... " but I'm sure he would have enjoyed petting a bunny's soft fur.

I also love that the kids gave Jesus some things that they knew that he would need as a little baby. It's amazing to see how much the kids get that Baby Jesus was... a real kid like them! He needed to be kept warm, he needed to eat and drink, and darn it, he needed things to play with! The kiddo who offered Jesus the globe had some good ideas, too. He did come here to our planet. And he came here to save all the people represented by that big ball of blues and greens.

Soon after all this thought-provoking giving that the kids did they were bouncing, and hopping, and wiggling, and hiding under tables. Ahhh... Kindergarten! What a great age!

For Such a Time...

Good thing that happened this week: Something clicked... I stepped into my current season. Now I get that I have just as much purpose when I'm staying at home as I do any other time. It's just different. Now I get that my life can be just as driven, and just as intentional... but in different ways. Today I actually felt... the beginnings of contentment. I realized how blessed I am. I have this wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter on the way, and time to knit, make my home mine, write, study, and read. Not to mention the fact, that I have the opportunity to volunteer at the church, which is just plain fun even if I am doing repetitive tasks like stamping envelopes. And now, I get to hopefully make my extended family's holiday blessed as well! I feel like I finally stepped into things as they are and maybe I can stop being busy trying to settle, and start intentionally being where I am. That's good news... Now if I can only stay in this head space for more than a day, it will be wonderful. Not to be Christianese and cliche all at once, but I think I finally understand that "For such a time as this..." applies to housewives too.

Oh my... My husband is considering being a translator for Benny Hinn.... this does not sound good. (That's a joke, people!)

Alright.... it's time to head for bed around here.

Sometime I'll have to tell you about the snowflake turned into huge snow boulder known as Thanksgiving at Val's house... Family is descending upon us and we're not entirely sure when it was decided that this would be so.... I'm sure it'll make for some great story telling in the next few weeks of preparation!

Evil, Evil Hormones....

Today I felt like I was truly psychotic. Poor Andy didn't know what to do with me. I was tired, felt icky, and every five seconds I was either irritated or bawling. It's hormones wreaking havoc. I am not like this. I don't even recognize this woman! An alien has truly taken over my body. Some days, that is really, honestly, and truly how it feels.

Don't get me wrong. I do love being pregnant. I love feeling this little girl moving around in me and enjoying the possibility that I carry within me.

But some days I can't wait to get through pregnancy and postpartum stuff and get back to being the woman I recognize. On days like this, I suspect Andy feels the same as he doesn't know whether to hug me, keep his distance, yell back, or change the subject.

I'm hoping for a more level day tomorrow.

On the upside, I wore an entire maternity outfit today (Thanks Mom!), and I looked SO CUTE and PREGNANT! Not just fat... Pregant! It was fun. I think I might need to go get more maternity clothes!

Adjustment

I've been going through the normal rigamarole of thoughts about my being at home and not busy status. I can be really hard on myself sometimes (no suprise, right?). I never thought I would be upset about NOT being busy. What I discovered today is that this, too, is an adjustment. I DO need to be gentle with myself. I do need to be patient with my feelings. I expect to get into a new situation and know how to handle it and be satisfied with it immediately.

I'm adjusting to so many things right now. We're STILL figuring out what it means to be a military family. Let's face it--that changes every day. Every day we're dealing with a new shift, a new policy, new experiences for Andy in the shop... We're gearing up for Dets. and Deployments. It's always changing--usually in ways we can't control.

I'm pregnant. I have this little alien taking over my body. It's wonderful and exciting, but it is an adjustment too. We're trying to come to grips with the fact that this little person is going to change our lives in ways we can't even anticipate now.

We're settling into a new place. That means that we're far away from the support systems we had grown so comfortable with. We're finding new places in the community here, meeting new people, trying to find a new social niche.

And... instead of being busy with school or with a job, as I had always expected of myself, and as I had grown accustomed to, I'm at home. That is an adjustment too. I'm not busy all the time. I'm having to learn how to budget my time in a whole new way, find new ways to occupy time, learn new ways to socialize outside of a day-to-day routine of business and commitments outside of the house.

I don't want to use all of those adjustments as excuses, but I do know I have to cut myself some slack. This is a season of adjustment, and it will be a season of adjustment for a long time. That's not a bad thing. In my positive moments I realize how exciting it is with new opportunities all around me. Somehow all of this must be shaping me, I hope, into a better person.

So, I am choosing to be gentle with myself, to give myself some time, and to let myself feel things as long as that doesn't run into the extent of making excuses. And in March, when little girl is born, you can all remind me of this when I start complaining about being SOOO busy and tired.

I want a preggo belly!!!

Alright... So I'm almost to my 3rd trimester, and I must say, I still just look fat! I want a cute preggo belly! People at church don't even know I'm pregnant unless I say something to make it blatantly obvious. They must think that I am just on the fast track weight-gain plan or something... *sigh*

Last night I decided I might be starting to get the cute belly. I hope that it gets even cuter soon.

Andy says he thinks I have a preggo belly, but I am not sure. Come on little girl! Get big! I don't even care if you make my belly button poke out!

Dress Blues...

Andy put on his Dress Blues for a second tonight... All I have to say is... Wow!!! I have SUCH a handsome husband!!! And, I LOVE Dress Blues. :) I haven't seen him in that uniform since he graduated from Basic Training. That brought back some memories!!!

In other news, the growing pains that happen when one's body is making room for a growing little one really hurt sometimes. I swear, my belly is expanding in all directions.

Pizza Craving Thwarted....

So tonight, thanks to Jodie, I had this immense craving for Pizza Hut pizza (they should really be thankful for my pregnancy!). I haven't eaten a whole lot today mostly because of timing issues, so I thought that might do for a dinner type meal. Besides, I was only going to get a small!

Perhaps God decided it wasn't a healthy choice for me... or maybe things are just really annoying and the stars are aligned against me, but the plan was thwarted.

When I called the same Pizza Hut that Andy and I have ordered from time and time again and gave them my number, I was told I could not order because I did not have an in-town number... When I explained that I had ordered before using the same number I was told that that was impossible, and it must have been a pick-up order. (um... No!) So, alas, I gave up, and they lost some money tonight. I thought about trying to give them a bogus number but just figured why mess with it.

And since what I really wanted was a Pizza Hut pizza, I didn't try any of the other Pizza places in town.

So now, here I sit... the craving waves have almost subsided, but I am still left unsatisfied.

Woe is me... the devestation of thwarted Pizza Hut plans...

Message Board Sociology

I have long wanted to see a sociologist do a study on the interactions which occur upon message boards. Lately, the ones that I have frequented for a long time have just plain gotten bizarre. One, I have chosen to leave.

On message boards, you are more free to express parts of yourself. You don't have to worry about people judging you because of how you look, or what age you are, or what clothes you wear. You're anonymous so it's easier to get a little more daring in your sharing.

At the same time, with nothing more than words on a screen you can present yourself in any way you choose. Rather than being freed from the masks you wear in real life, you can construct for yourself a whole new one. You can put whatever foot forward that you want.

The interesting thing is, most of the time, both happen without people really realizing it.

Another phenomenon which has been present on one of my boards recently is the difficulty of differing expectations. This board happens to be one which discusses the writings of a particular author. This has been the perfect environment for people to discuss spiritual, and emotional difficulties they have encountered. The board itself has sections for discussions of theology, discussions of the books, discussions for whatever, and so on and so forth. Some people come there hoping to find people to sympathize with them in their humanity. Some are there to discuss theological and intellectual issues. Some are there just to hang out. Some enjoy the social club.

But sometimes those expectations clash. The people who are there for emotional support don't feel their needs are being met when the intellectual mumbo-jumbo starts flying. The intellectual discussers don't relate to the need some have for support. Some feel that only certain venues of discussion which might lead to debate should be acceptable. Some come in expecting to find only those of a particular theological persuasion only to find that others can read the words of this author and come from a totally different one... And suddenly there is chaos!

Add in the periodical real life meeting, the alliances that are formed behind the scenes from IMs and emails, and the drama that ensues from all of that and things can get very interesting. And so... they have.

What's frusterating is with all of the hidden and non-hidden aspects of things it's difficult to honestly address all forms of difficulty in such a medium. So instead of just one elephant in the room, there's like five.

I find myself drawn to watching it at times like I'm drawn to watching a bad car-wreck. It's probably not entirely healthy, but it surely is interesting.

12:54 a.m.

So... I don't sleep anymore. Since I've gotten sick it just doesn't happen. I really need to sleep, but I don't. I have a hard time sleeping before Andy gets home. Everything I hear I think might be him. Then add in the coughing. Hopefully when I finally do decide to crash, I'll sleep.

I haven't been very productive lately. Being sick and tired got me in a slump. I'll get my act together yet.

I'm also spending way too much time on the internet... I started trying to scale that back some today with some success (though, here I am at 12:54, now 12:59 am still online).

Today something silly and inconsequential happened that made my day. I have started attending a sign language class at the church. There are two other ladies, me, and the instructor who is about my age (one of these days I will work up the courage to see if she perhaps might accompany me on an ice cream run. She seems to be a kindred spirit). I brought along my ultrasound pics and shared them with pride... and for the first time in a long time, I got to be the center of attention (in person) for my pregnancy. It made my day. Silly isn't it? Most people at church don't even know I'm pregnant. They just think I'm really fat and getting fatter! But today... I was the glowing pregnant one, and it felt good! I figure the two times in a girls life she gets to be the center of attention are when she's married and when she's pregnant, and it's time I got to use my second excuse in person!

Really, the church here has come through for me on so many levels. It is my way of getting out of the house. If I am going somewhere to do something, I'm likely going to the church to do office work, do something for Sunday School, or attend a group or meeting. I still feel pretty lonely. I leave Bible Study some nights feeling totally disconnected but then...

Then wonderful things will happen like, Elaine the church secretary calling just because I had started volunteering and hadn't come in for over a week after I called to explain I was sick. When she found out I was still sick she immediately asked if she could do something--run errands, bring me anything, whatever. First of all, that means somebody knows my name and phone number... and pays attention to my well being! That made me feel so much less alone.

Or today, Pastor David, who had no way of knowing I was sick except through Elaine, made a point today to ask how I was feeling (and also got very excited when I said I was having a girl!).

Little things like that mean THE WORLD to me right now. It's not that I am so lonely, but when the isolated feelings come pounding down those little things make me feel much better.

Perhaps I'll blog more about this later, but I really think part of the 'lonelies' that I am feeling have to do with going from the college social culture to the adult world social culture. It's a lonely adjustment. But when I figure out how friendships work out here, I have every confidence that they'll be just as sweet. In the meantime, I have the knowledge that I have friends all over the country still pulling for me, and I for them. It's just an adjustment to not be able to go to Pokie or Steak-n-Shake with them when I'm awake at 1:15 am with lots to talk about.