Court of Motherhood

Along with the joy and gooeyness that came with becoming a Mommy there came a, not entirely unexpected but nonetheless not entirely welcomed, side-effect. My guilt complex was upped tenfold. Maybe twentyfold. Ok, Ok. Probly millionfold.

Not only do I chastise myself on a daily basis for not being the kind of mother that I think I should be (you know... the kind that ONLY gives her kids organic snacks, has children on a clockwork schedule, never ever raises her voice, and has taught her children how to count to 20 by the time they are 18 months old), I also find that I am constantly looking over my shoulder to see if everyone else is chastising me too. Insecurity at it's finest? Sure!

I heard recently about a book by Allison Pearson called, I Don't Know How She Does It. In it she makes reference to what the main character calls, "The Court of Motherhood." The concept, as I heard it explained, is basically this: The Court of Motherhood is the fantasized embodiment of all of the guilt-voices coming together to judge us on a daily (or hourly) basis. The Court of Motherhood will call you to task if you accidentally forgot to give your kid lunch one day because you were so overwhelmed with cleaning the bathroom, running to the grocery store, and scrubbing crayon off of the bedroom walls while soothing tears from bumps on the head and childhood injustices, and trying to bounce your child in one arm for her entertainment. The prosecutor will summon you there if you let your child go to church without wearing tights on a day with a high of under 65 degrees farenheit.

Obviously I'm not alone in my guilt complex. There is some comfort in knowing I have company.

But why do we beat ourselves up like this? Why do we fear this judgement? Why do we get hung up on beating ourselves senseless over tiny little details and mishaps and miss the big picture--that our children are relatively happy, healthy, normal, developing little human beings? Why do Mom's expect themselves to be super-human?

Part of it, I think, has to do with the fact that we know so much is riding on our job as parents. It does pay to loosen up once in a while, but it is hard to do when each night on the evening news you here of another tragedy that happened just because a parent 'turned away for a second--just a second!' When the hospital hands you that baby and sends you out the door to figure out what it means to truly be a Mommy you realize that you have an entire LIFE depending on you.

Add in to that the fact that women are just so damn hard on one another! Whispers of, "She's so tired. Her baby isn't sleeping through the night yet. Must be because she subscribes to X type of sleep theory." "Ohmigosh! Did you hear on the news about this and this and this happening? What was that mother thinking?" We judge one another so harshly as mothers, and as women.

In thinking about it, I think it mostly comes down to fear. We're scared we'll screw up. We're scared we ARE screwing up and want to comfort ourselves that surely someone out there is screwing up MORE. We're scared that we'll lose this amazing little angel that has been entrusted to our care, and we know that we wouldn't know how to live with ourselves if that happened.

I guess my hope for myself is that I will learn to loosen up. Motherhood is an art, not a science, and I can't think of a single mother who got it right all the time. Even Mary Lost God . I will mess up. There will be times when I will turn my back for a second and I will get the scare of my life. I will slip into complacency from time to time... But I survived childhood, and so did a lot of other people... Somehow, God-willing, Carolyn will too--despite the flawed hunk of clay God decided to choose to entrust with her upbringing.

Now if I can only remember that tomorrow when I can't find her tights.