a mother's day

I'm sitting here at the end of my 2nd Mother's Day. It was quite a day. My husband was home this year--only one of many ways Mother's Day was so different this year. Last year, I sat at my folks' house, and unwrapped a beautiful KitchenAide mixer from Andy which he'd sent to their house before getting on "the boat"... And last year I spent the day with my Mom.

This year, I went to church with Andy and Carolyn, and heard a message that gave me a nugget of hope as a mother. I can't screw up as badly as Mary the mother of Jesus did when 12 year old Jesus hid out at the temple for three days, and she didn't even notice until a day into the journey home. I mean as Pastor Larry said,... She LOST GOD. And her child still grew up and ultimately completed his mission of saving the world. I guess there is hope for Carolyn... even when major crises arise like my not finding tights for her to wear with her little skirts on slightly chilly days. (For the record, the point of the sermon was much bigger than that... but how can you not be encouraged with such a thought?).

This year, my baby girl is teething and she was fussy. I mean she fussed all freaking day. Fussing, fussing, fussing. Oh yeah, and Happy Mother's Day, Mommy! Waaaahhhh!

This year, I didn't get to buy a card for my Mom. I didn't get to make that phone call just to say, "I love you and thanks for putting up with me even when I cried and fussed on your special days." I didn't get to tell her about the new teeth Carolyn is getting in, or hold the phone up to her ear so she could say, "Hi Sugar Plum." I didn't get to do that.

I am notoriously late at getting cards and gifts for all sorts of occasions, and this year it was really hard not to just really beat myself up for doing that so many Mother's Days.

This year, I thought for the first time in my life how a holiday so benign an Mother's Day could really, really hurt a person. I ached for the woman in my church who lost her 13 year old boy two weeks ago when he fell while rock-climbing. I ached for friends of mine who want so badly to have children and aren't able to. I ached for friends who have lost babies. I ached for myself and other children--young and old alike who find themselves missing their mothers and wishing so badly they could make that phone call one more time.... And I ached for women whose husbands and lovers were gone from their lives and couldn't treat them like a queen on this day when they should be honored.

But... then there were the moments today of stepping back and watching Carolyn with Andy... playing, giggling, snuggling. I breathed in and said, "Now there is a beautiful sight."

Then there was the moment of Carolyn stuffing her fist down deep into a box of Cheerio's--leaving a pine cone behind in the box, and coming up with a whopping fistfull of Cheerio's to promptly stuff in her mouth.

There was chasing her around the kitchen and livingroom and playing hide and seek.

There was also a moment of terror when Carolyn managed to knock the ironing board over and it fell almost right on top of her. Yes, pure terror. Mommy self-flaggelation--and then the thought, "At least I didn't LOSE GOD!"

And finally, after giving her to Andy to diffuse more teething fussiness and get a bath, there was reading her the story of "Runaway Bunny" singing her our special songs, snuggling her, and laying her down quietly in her crib. Then there was that....

It's been a full day. A hard day. A good day.

It's been a mother's day.