Tentitive Possibilty vs. Chronic Fear of Inadequacy

Andy has been working nights this week. That combined with a bit of recovery from the fun of entertaining our family last week has truly compounded the demotivation stretch. In fact, it could be said that I'm in a slump. I am trying to remember that slumps come and go, and that chastising myself for slumping just leads to more slumpiness. Besides I don't do well when my schedule gets re-written by Andy's shift changes. It always takes me a while to recalibrate. Hopefully, we'll be back to normal next week.

I'm sitting with a pile of things beside me whispering the possiblitity of a new direction to face. And I'm scared spitless. A new vocational direction may be on the horizon (and when things become more concrete of course I'll share details, but not until things don't feel quite so tentative). It is an exciting prospect. When I finished college all I knew was that I had a teaching degree, I could be a good teacher, could even enjoy it... But it wasn't what turned me on. My brief stint as a teacher confirmed that thoroughly. It was my first year, and it was a hellish experience for any rookie to walk into, but past that it made me go, "Ok. This isn't for me." I guess I join the ranks of those alluded to in statements like, "Not everyone is cut out to be a teacher." Who knows--I may end up in a classroom again someday. I may end up needing to be there for financial reasons, or I could find out that I was all wrong about it not being 'my thing', but for now all I know is, it's not where my passion lies.

So I'm sitting on the cusp of this new possible vocational direction (see how tentative even my language is) and all I feel is inadequate. I graduated college with honors. I came out guns-blazing ready to change the world. I was raised by a mother who was a voice for feminine choice--she validated both the choice to stay home, and the choice to work outside the home... But she herself chose to work outside the home after getting me started by being home for a few years, and she was good at what she did. I always wanted to make her proud by being a force to be reckoned with in the working world, just as she was.

The thing is, I've been out of the 'working and getting educated world' for a couple of years now. My original spin through the world of work didn't last long at all. It's hard not to wonder if I copped out. But I think the truth is, I've needed to be where I've been. My life was turned topsy-turvy by a couple of military moves. It was turned topsy-turvy again by a year of wanting to be in two places at once--needing to divide time between my husband and my Mom. And then there was the small matter of my beautiful baby girl being born. I was given the opportunity to give back to my parents in some small amount, after the amazing lavishment of love and service that they poured over me all my life. Going back to Illinois gave me that chance. I was given the chance to be with my Mom for her final weeks of life without worrying about a job that might not wait for me. I've been given the opportunity to start my little Navy-brat in a stable environment where Mommy doesn't go anywhere, even if Daddy must. Those are tough tasks--Not cop-outs.

Still, I've sat confined within the four walls of our house or someone else's, contributing happily to our family stability, but not to the greater societal good, and I've begun to... feel... inadequate...

I think about what it takes to survive in the professional world and question whether or not I have it, as I sit in my exercise clothes with grease clumping in my hair for large portions of the day, biding my time til I'll have a chance to shower without interruption during Carolyn's nap.

I think about the prospect of going back to school for further education and wonder if I'm up to the task, when the simple job of emptying the dishwasher seems insurmountable on slumpy days like today.

Some days, I feel small, and prosaic. I change diapers, wipe dirty hands, do laundry, plan grocery-outings, cook suppers, and learn to conquer dust-bunnies. And some days those tasks are a struggle--how could I survive in 'the big bad world?'

Yes... I am scared spitless.

BUT... But this new possibility has been at the forefront of my mind for 9 months now. It's been nagging at me, prodding me, keeping me up late doing online searches for information. I feel like I need to honor the possibility of a new direction.

So I sit here looking at this pile of possibility, wondering if I could ever be more than, "The girl who stays at home and takes care of her husband and daughter" ever again....

And I have no choice, but to take a deep breath, and start the boulder moving. I only hope it will gain some momentum--and I, some confidence--as time goes on.