Double Emotions

Well... It's the part of this year where I start feeling two feelings over everything (usually more than 2, but 2 dominant). I haven't stopped being grateful for Andy still being here, and our dodging separation on this detachment... but we're about to enter the phase of much separation. We will probably have one three week break from it after the beginning of May, and then it will be lots of apartness.

So... I have these feelings of gratefulness that Andy is here, and dread that soon he won't be. I get excited about milestones for little girl and realize her daddy won't be here to see them. I think about the time when we'll be getting more sleep, and know that I'll be the parent home during that phase. My thoughts about her "firsts" include brainstorming ways to show Daddy.

When people mention dates that happen after the beginning of May--Dates of weddings, or holidays, or other events--I automatically file them into the 'Things Andy will be gone for' category.

We need to get things in order for him to be gone. Need to get the Power of Attorney and such in order, and make a Daddy Video for Carolyn.

It's such a tearing feeling--Feeling joy for him being here, and sadness at him leaving... And everything seeming to have double meanings.

But we will get through it like we get through everything else: by waking up each morning and continuing to put one foot in front of the other, doing what needs done and focusing on light and love.

And I AM grateful that he is here NOW.