Fun Around the House

Such a sweet little face....



Whilst plundering the kitchen drawer, Carolyn decided she needed some coffee.



C's latest bedtime story. What can I say? She's very advanced!

Until Then We'll Have to Muddle Through Somehow

Even since I learned that the original lyrics of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" were something like, "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, It will be our last..." I've rather liked the song. (I am a little bit twisted you know). I like that Judy Garland allegedly insisted that they change the lyrics to something more hope-giving when it was originally sung in Meet Me in St. Louis.

This weekend, as the Christmas songs have been blaring over the airways more and more the song hit me anew in a fresh way. Especially the line, "Come next year, we all will be together If the Fates allow But till then we'll have to muddle through somehow So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

I think muddling through is about all I'll be able to muster this year. I plan to muddle through with style, and grace, and spunk, and even joy, but it will be different than other Christmases in so many ways. Even different than last Christmas. Last Christmas I clung fiercely to the idea of Christmas being a light in the darkness. I'm clinging even tighter this year, because the darkness feels that much more overwhelming.

But I know the light is there. I know that Christ is our light in the darkness... So as I put up the Christmas tree, and listen to the carols, and remember special Mom memories, and miss Andy, and watch the wonder in my daughters face as she lays eyes on the Christmas tree for the first time I will hold on to that. And as I cry with tears of loneliness and missing, and wonder how I will get through my first Christmas without my mother... and how I will carry on the "Mom traditions," as I wish for Andy's arms, and real conversations with him, and long for his hand to hold, and to see the light in his eyes as he opens his gifts from Carolyn and I... Through the goods and the bads of the muddling, I will let the light shine in me, and in and through my life.

I will truly live and love this Christmas. Even if it hurts.

I will muddle through and hold onto the light. After all, I'm called to be a light-bearer myself.

So... here I go to muddle. I have lights to string on the tree and decorations to put up.

What's Up?

The first week of college in our incredibly annoying, "Connect Class" we had to take these silly tests that were supposed to help us discover what our 'potential problem areas' were going to be for our academic careers. My results essentially said that I was socially inept. My summation of the results: Get friends even though you suck at doing so.

At that point, I didn't believe I was socially inept. At that point, perhaps I wasn't.At this point, I would say that I undoubtedly am.

I CANNOT for the life of me carry a conversation of small-talk anymore. I dread it. Today in church, a guy that I went to school with approached me along with his fiance. They wanted to see Carolyn. I had no idea what to say to them.

I really hate the general chit-chatting questions: For instance, "What's up?" Or, "What is new in your life?" Somehow it doesn't feel entirely appropriate to say, "I'm grieving the loss of my mother, my husband is deployed, and I'm doing the best I can to take care of our 8 month old while living in a house that is not my own, and you?" For that matter, part of me would like to reply, "Exactly why is it that in our culture it is the norm to ask questions that we don't really want the answer to? I mean really. When is the last time you heard that question and the person asking wasn't expecting a 'Nothing really.'" Those remarks would go over about as well as a turd in a punchbowl though, don't you think (Truly one of my favorite Momisms there. ;))?

I just don't know how to answer chit-chat, and I don't know what to ask other people. Do I inquire about their jobs? Their family? Do I have time to really hear what they have to say? I just fumble and stumble. And sometimes I thrust C forward so that the focus shifts onto her. I can just smile quietly while people go on about how she is "Such a precious little baby."

I think my real problem is that my head is just so full right now, and has been for the last two years, really. Many aspects of my current experience are also very foreign to those around me. I haven't picked up a phrasebook for translating yet. Even if I did I think it might be like the episode of West Wing where it took three translators to get from English to a dignitary's Native Language. Wait.... if you're not familiar with West Wing, translation might be necessary here. Ok. I give up.

I think what I have to say is valuable and I want to discover the valuable insight of others as well. But if I have to get through chit-chat to get there, I'm in trouble.

So this is me confessing: It's true. I am socially inept. I beg your forgiveness for any social faux pas I may commit while conversing with you. And I apologize if I stand looking at you with my tongue lolling about for extended periods of time. I really do care about what you have to say. I am just anxious to get to the part where it's actually said. In the meantime, try not to say anything that would inspire me to hand you a "Quit being dumb card" and we'll get along just fine.

I'm really very approachable.

Anxiety

I will just feel so much better when he is in my arms again.... when I know where he is, and how he is, and can hold him.

And sometimes I wish I didn't have such a writer's imagination.

Happy (Belated) Halloween!

Make way for Duckling!!!





It's been a spectacular year for foliage... and ducks!



It doesn't get better than Halloween Kisses!