And Now...

Carolyn and I are headed to Washington for a month. We'll be there to recoup and regroup. To enjoy Andy. To take time to feel and to grieve. To write. To be the three of us. To eat at bad restaurants. To take walks, and hopefully naps.

I hope I'll be able to be a Mom to Carolyn without "Ands." (Yes, I mean AndS).

We're going because Dad says Mom would want us to. We're going because cancer teaches you to live your life while you can and to be with those you love as much as you're able.

At the end of the month, we'll say good-bye to Andy and he'll be gone *out there* until Carolyn is one or older.

We need this time to recouperate from what we've been through. Regroup. And to prepare for what's ahead.

I think Mom will approve.

Joy

It's a suprise to me, but the feeling I feel most strongly since Mom left us yesterday is joy.

My Mom is free now. She had her first good day in 9 months yesterday. She doesn't hurt any more. She isn't stuck in a body that can't keep up with her mind and spirit.

Being by her side as she went through her final days as such an amazing blessing, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The person who lay in the hopsital bed in her room those last few days seemed just a shell of the wonderful woman I knew as "Mom." And yet... MOM was in there. That was what was excruciating. She was in there... Locked in a body that was non-responsive and suffering.

The look on Mom's face when I saw her after she passed yesterday morning was one of complete peace. I can only imagine that those first moments of heaven were full of such amazing joy and peace and release and relief for her.

I can feel her smiling. I can feel her laughing. And it makes me want to laugh and smile too.

I grieve for what we will not have, and for the brilliant colors that left the world yesterday...

But I am so very happy for my Mommy.

Mom's Birthday

Today is Mom's new birthday.

She was born into eternity today...

I miss her so much already.