Brain Burp

I'm not sure I'll be able to string together coherent thought, but I was wanting to write a bit.

Life is surely different than it was a month ago. I have this beautiful little girl. I haven't had a whole lot of sleep (though she slept through the night last night, hooray!!!). I'm elated that my husband is home and yet struggling to deal with the new dynamics having a baby brings to our relationship... and dealing with the dreaded count down.

I'm trying to figure out how to balance housework and things in the 'other category' (like blogging) with new little person calling the shots.

I'm starting to prepare for the move back to first home coming up in about a month.

And I'm spending a lot of time in now. Dealing with what hits me. It's the only way I know how to live right now. We've been going from emergency to emergency... crisis to crisis... One major life event to another... for so long now I don't really remember how to dwell on yesterday or tomorrow.

Today I thought about all that's hit in the last months... and I thought about how I've 'dealt' with it... and I wondered if I need to let myself feel more. The only thing that's felt ok some days is 'full speed ahead.' Yet things have happened... Big things. Things are happening. I guess I'm not quite sure how to feel through them. What does healthy emoting look like? When does 'Accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative, and Don't mess with Mr. In Between?' become obsolete? (well... that even just sounds annoying. Let's make it obsolete now).

But anyway... My daughter is beautiful. I love the feel of her soft skin. I could kiss her all day, I think. I love snuggling with her. Sometimes, if I'm not holding her, I'll just have to go run and get her. (Ok and then there are other times when I just need to pass her to Andy. ;) ). Being a Mommy is the hardest thing I've ever done... A lot harder than I thought in some ways. But it's sooo amazing. It's just sooo amazing. And so is Carolyn.

He is Risen Indeed!

Baby C's first Easter was a lot of fun. Last night we had some friends over and colored Easter Eggs. Today she got all gussied up in her Easter Sunday best and went to church. She was a hit there. It was her first Sunday and everyone wanted to oogle over her.

Then we came home and had our friend, Jamie, over for roast, potatoes, green beans, and cheese cake!

But the most important thing is that... Christ is indeed risen! He has conquered sin and death so that everyone, including Baby C, can face the future triumphantly. LIFE wins. LIGHT wins. That is something to celebrate.

Mom and Baby C 

Showing off her pretty dress 

Coloring Easter Eggs 

Official Announcement

On Monday, March 7th at 11:45 a.m Carolyn Helen entered the world. She weighed 8 lbs. 1 oz. and measured 20.5 inches long. I went into labour Sunday the 6th at about 9:30 p.m. Will tell you all the story in a later post.

Other great news--Andy is staying put for a while!!!! He did NOT have to leave on the latest boat det. Again, more details forthcoming.

We are all doing well. We're settling into the pattern of being a family of three, learning about one another, and enjoying this amazing miracle.

So now you're all officially updated via the blogworld. And of course there are pictures!

Brand new! 

Fresh from God 

Going home from the hospital! 

Daddy's first mate. (Ok... well, he's not a Captain) 

Me and my baby... 

Mommy Dogma

I am finding the closer we get to this little one getting here, how very dogmatic EVERYONE is over Mommy issues. It's really more than a little frustrating, as everybody has a very firm opinion about what the right thing to do in any given situation is... And when you try to gather input from others about your own situations you get bombarded by the dogma.

Apparently, I am being induced on Wednesday... I feel very stupid to admit to you, that I did not realize that was what my doctor was planning yesterday even when he set me up with an appointment at Labor and Delivery on Wednesday. It was my understanding that we were going to 'take measures to soften the cervix.' But... that is just step one of what could be a long process. I am slightly annoyed that my opinion was not asked in all of this... nor was I really given the opportunity to give consent or refuse. Nor was I really filled in on what would happen and how it would go down/ That is partially because I was very overwhelmed at the end of my appointment yesterday and decisions were being made and actions taken at the L&D desk rather than... with me in a room with time to ask questions. I wish I had been thinking clearly, asking questions, and advocating... I'm going to consider what is happening and perhaps take measures to at least talk to my doc before Wednesday...

There are so many different camps about so many different things. Inductions, certain medicines, everything. What I find frustrating is when the primary people that you seek out for advice all have opposing views and think that people on the other side of their views are crackers. Makes me think maybe everybody is crackers.

I also find that people try so very hard to be helpful and really flop at it in situations like this. I've already mentioned that commiserating with me because others' labors came lots later than mine doesn't comfort me at present because of Andy's schedule. I find myself chafing to well meaning people's long, long, long list of 'things to try' to get things going. My doula for instance went on for about an hour yesterday of ways to get baby to not be posterior. I knew most of the ways... in fact I'd sent her a document I'd found detailing many of them because I thought she might like to pass on a comprehensive list to others in my position. What happens though when people are rapid-fire suggesting these things is I start to feel overwhelmed. Basically, after talking to her yesterday I felt that I couldn't sit down until after the baby gets here. What I heard last night was that I either have to be on my feet or on my hands and knees. Sitting is bad. Laying down is... mostly bad. Walking is good. Walking up and down stairs is good. Exercise x, y, and z good. Being on hands and knees doing this, this, and this--also good.... Dang! I'm tired just thinking of it... tired with achy knees!

And again I say--if one more person tells me to have sex I will... well, I'm not sure what I'll do, but I'm almost 41 weeks pregnant, and it's sure NOT to be pretty.

So at this point... a cave in Zimbabwe with easy medical access is sounding good. I LOVE hearing from people, and I NEED to know I'm supported... but when things cross from being supportive to preachy... it is hard to stay in perspective and be grateful.

I'm writing this thinking... will people be offended? Most of the people reading this haven't done the silly things I've mentioned... And I can't help but think that maybe hearing this now will help other people that read here (am thinking of two soon-to-be or trying-to-be Mommy's in particular A & J) to know that these feelings happen at 40 weeks and counting... So please do not anyone think that this vent is pointed at them, or feel that they need to be offended. I simply must muse at the difficulties of this place I find myself in.

Again... I would covet your prayers that this baby would turn and stop being sunny side-up... Drop in my pelvis... and that contractions would start so we can have this baby... preferably before Wednesday when... induction may happen.

Trash Can/No baby

So... on my encourage-baby-to-come walk yesterday, I discovered that our trash can had been melted to the ground. I'm not sure how. The rim of it is still there... but the bottom is charred, melted mess. Interestingly, there are no char marks on the ground around it. It's really very bizarre. We called our property manager, and she arraged for the city to send us a new trash barrel. A trash can is a weird thing to vandalize, don't you think?

While the property manager was here taking pictures and talking to my husband, apparently a Jr. Highish age kid stopped by on his bike and hypothesized that it was a 'lighter bomb.' He then proceeded to explain in detail how to make such a thing... He assured them he was not the one to blame for the trash can and he didn't know who was... But it creeps me out quite a bit to know that kiddos these days are so well-versed in bomb and various other fiery weaponry that they can give detailed descriptions of how to make them at the drop of a hat.

Yes, since I'm posting here it means there is no baby to meet yet. Sure wish I could tell you other news. God bless those people who try to say helpful things, but, "Oh... don't worry honey, I was 2 weeks late with my baby." or, "I was 17 days late when I finally went," really aren't helpful comments. Andy has less than 2 weeks on land left (well, I'm hoping I have the dates slightly off), and still no baby. I NEED for her to get here. It's not just me feeling uncomfortable, and I don't think I'm being a baby for being a little anxious. And... speaking of anxious, let me insert here that it also doesn't help when people tell me I MUST stay calm because tension will make my body not go into labor too. Then I start feeling stressed and guilty about feeling stressed.

*sigh* I do not wish this on anyone...

But in a few days, I will have a beautiful baby girl to love and hold and watch grow... and it will all somehow work out and be worth it.

We Got Nothing

No... No baby yet....

Due Date

Well.... Today is my due date. No baby yet. At my appointment yesterday I found out that I'm having pretty regular contractions... but they aren't making anything happen. So I'm praying for some kick-butt contractions to come soon. The baby was still also pretty posterior and not as far down as she needed to be.

I must confess to being very anxious about this. Andy leaves in two and a half weeks. I just want to have SOMETHING that I'm not anxious about right now.

Trying to trust that God's timing is the right timing... but it's hard. It's too early to get worried or upset about it, but the calendar just isn't very friendly right now.

So anyway... I'm walking up a storm. Walking up and down steps. Eating spicy food. Doing everything you're supposed to. And if one more person tells me to go have sex I will likely go irritable pregnant woman wild on them!!!

Andy has the 000-800 watch tonight.... so if it's tomorrow he will be very groggy. Nonetheless I am still *HOPING* that tomorrow is the day.

Come on Baby Girl!!!!

What I Learned from Gramma W.

This of course relates to yesterdays post... These are some things I learned from my Gramma.

It's not a Sofa, or a Couch... It's a DAVENPORT

Always stop at Wall-drug

Barefoot is BEAUTIFUL

It never hurts to spruce up one's hair, even if only to go for groceries.
Splurge a little and get your hair done once in a while (when going with grandkids in tow, choose a salon that comes with lollipops).

When there's no one else to blame... blame Bobble-head (Republicans are ALWAYS a good choice).

Never be afraid to voice your opinion.

Try not to look too "festive" when attending a funeral.

Willow-trees are not for swinging on, but they are good shade to play ball under.

If there are moaning sounds in the night... chances are it is not monsters or ghosts but wind in the pines... But checking with a flashlight just in case is ok.

Chattery grandchildren make good sleeping companions.

A little spoiling never hurt anybody.

If you eat too many sweets, too fast.... you WILL get a bellyache (something I didn't fully believe until adulthood).

Say Thank You.

Cards for Halloween, Valentine's Day, etc. are not excessive.

Attics are not scary.

Try not to look as if you were dressed by a pitchfork.

If you put a slick sleeping bag on top of a slick comforter... you may end up cold and covered up in the curtains by morning.

Always keep a stash of Milky Way bars in the fridge (I suspect her reasons for doing so were different than mine are now).

Speaking of stashes--Always have some Graham Crackers nearby.

Shots aren't so scary.

You can find friends even in weird places like hospitals.

Momentos of places visited and people loved should be kept and will be cherished by those who come after you.

Beaded necklaces, if worn well, are very fashionable.

Fiestiness will help you fight life's battles.

Marry a man who would make a good tricycle plumber.

The experience of pregnancy and childbirth will stay fresh in your mind long after your own kids are grown and gone... and you can and should share that with other generations when their time comes.

70+ years is not too long to love someone... especially your husband.

Having a 'perfect family' is unattainable... but having one full of love is noble and should be strived for.

These are things I thought of when I looked back over time with Gramma. Some of the things I remembered through conversations with other family members, some from things Mom would say that came from Gramma, and most came from... memories of times spent with Gramma herself. I think Gram was a pretty smart lady.

I was uniquely blessed to have such an amazing grandmother around when I was little. Gramma W. was one of my very, very, very favorite people to see... I loved when she came to see us, and I LOVED going to see her. I have so many memories wrapped up in their old green house. I always loved hugging her when we saw her and feeling her soft cheek up against mine... And I loved being spoiled (how awful was I when I'd come home from her house, Mom and Dad??? No... don't answer that).

I was sad and jealous when Gramma and Grandpa moved to Idaho and Luke and Gavin got to be the Grand-kids in proximity... But now I know that they needed Gram and Grandpa more than I did then, and I am thankful that they helped make them into the remarkable men that they are.

I have so many kid memories of Gramma... but the fewer 'more grown-up memories' I have are just as precious. When I called Gramma about this baby on this way she was by far the most excited person I talked to... And I was amazed at how much she remembered from each one of her pregnancies... and how happy her voice was recalling the entrance of each of her kids into the world. I so wish that she could see this little girl when she arrives... but little girl will be just as impacted by Gramma Wherry because of the impact Gramma had on me, and all of my family.

Those are some memories and thoughts that I have... I miss my Gramma already.

The Last Three Days...

I feel as if I have been beaten.... I'm still trudging on, but my body, mind, and heart are just exhausted. The last three or four days (not to mention the last 3 or 4 months) have been absolutely brutal.

On Monday night while talking to Dad, I found out that something had happened to my Grandma W. who has lived the last decade or more with my aunt in Idaho. We weren't sure what, and Mom and Dad had had a rough day of too much time in the hospital, so I called Aunt Kathy to get to the bottom of things.

I found out from her that Grandma had had a stroke. She was responsive, and ornery... though she was having some trouble processing her words... Aunt Kathy sounded more worried than normal though. I wasn't sure what we were looking at. I went to bed with a bad feeling in my stomach, but thinking "Ok, this is just a stroke... Gramma bounces back. We'll get through this. She still has to meet her great-granddaughter."

I was still sleeping at 8:30 the next morning when my phone rang. It was my cousin Luke. He was very, very upset and I could tell it was about Gramma. I knew I was missing part of the puzzle--it was just a stroke, right? No... Gramma was dying. We had hours left. A few phone calls later I found out that she had been doing well the night before, but in the middle of the night she started bleeding internally. Her blood count when they were deciding what to do was down to 4. The best decision seemed to be to make Gramma comfortable and let her go.

So here I sat. 9 months pregnant. Baby coming any day now. I was pushing the envelope when I went to IL for weeks 34 and 35 of pregnancy. Travelling to gramma by plane was completely out. Travelling 10 hours by car didn't sound like a wise idea either, did it? I called our Doula, "Don't do it. You could have this baby any day" (this from the same woman who has been telling me I have weeks left and that this baby won't come anytime soon). I called my doctor, "Travelling that far is highly unadvisable. You will either get a blood clot or go into labor" (Really--it'll be an either or scenario?). And then... there was the issue of my husband. I may be dumb enough to travel 10 hours when I'm full term, but not dumb enough to do it alone, and he had been working 12 hour days with no weekends promised. How could he leave for this?

At this point let me explain that my Grandparents lived most of their lives near where I grew up. That was "home" to them. So... Bizarrely, I knew that my whole family would be heading to my hometown for the funeral and I would not. I can't explain to you what a helpless feeling it is to be 39 weeks pregnant... knowing that general wisdom says STAY PUT NO MATTER WHAT... knowing that getting to my Grandmother--before she passed or after--meant a 10 hour car ride, and that there was no way to get to my hometown for the funeral to grieve with my family.

On top of that, I know how sick my Mom is... I know that the family will converge upon her house. I know that her and Dad might not be up to it. I know that now she will need to grieve the loss of her mother on top of fighting for her life. I want so badly to be there to help them walk through that. Was there nothing I could do???

Andy came home and we tried to figure out what to do... after crying a lot and hashing it through I realized I HAD TO GO. Whether I got there before Gramma died or after, I HAD TO GET THERE. So... we went about looking into logistics. For once, we felt taken care of by the Navy. Before Andy had even called work back, he was set up with 4 days special liberty (he is very low on leave because of baby coming and needs this year). But... we had to call the Red Cross and get an emergency call in. I won't even tell you the whole story about the Red Cross phone call. Let me say that I am VERY GRATEFUL for the service they provide in helping servicemembers and their families connect when there are emergencies.... but they need to have people who know something about the military on the other end of the phone and they need to realize that when people are in the midst of emergencies they don't have time to spend an hour on the phone answering assinine questions and having to clarify that the servicemember in question is in the NAVY not the AIR FORCE or the ARMY (something I tried to make clear in the beginning of the call, but obviously didn't).

After... throwing our world together and finally straightening things out (and thumbing my nose at my doctor...), we were on our way. Let me pause to say that... packing a car knowing that you a preparing for the death of one family member and the birth of another is completely surreal. The car was packed to the gills with... well, all we would need to deal with a few days of what you do in life after a person dies, and... bags for the hospital, a car seat, baby clothes--just in case the baby came along the way.

Then, Aunt Kathy called and told us Gramma was gone. I debated for a little bit about whether we should go at that point... but something in me knew I needed to be with my family and to take part in the process of saying goodbye to Gramma in some capacity.

So... we headed out to Idaho. It was a long ride... 10 hours... Heavy with my unborn child and thoughts of how she would never meet one of the most extraordinary women to have helped to shape my life. Knowing that I had been excited about moving to this part of the country because I would get to visit my gramma, and that despite our being here 9 months, we hadn't been able to do so yet... and knowing that I promised I would bring my gram her great-granddaughter to see as soon as I could after she was here... and that I wouldn't be able to fulfill that promise.

I made the right choice... I did need my family--even if it was just the small part that gathered in Idaho. I was able to contribute to the bigger picture of our grieving as a family and doing the business of things that need done when a person dies. Most importantly, I was able to say good-bye to my grandmother... We went to the funeral home handling things in Idaho and we were able to see Gramma. I whispered the name of our daughter to her... She is the only one who knows her name, and will be the only one who knows until she gets here.

Yesterday we helped with odds and ends before we headed back here, and my Idaho family headed to the airport to go back to my hometown. And then we travelled the long 10 hours back. Guess what--despite my doctor's and doula's fears the baby didn't come and I didn't get a blood clot. But.... she may decide to get here anytime now.

I figure maybe Gramma left when she did because she didn't know of another way to be with me when the baby is born... This way at least her spirit will be able to hover with us when she comes into the world. That is a comfort.

But I still feel beaten... I can't explain to anyone what it is like to be 9 months pregnant, to be fighting with my mother for her life against the beast of Stage 4 lung cancer, to know that my husband has only weeks left with me before a potential 10-12 months away from me and our daughter (with short reprieves in the beginning only), and to lose my grandmother days before my daughter comes into the world.

The vast majority of people in my life have no idea that the last 3 days even happened. For all they know, I've been sitting at home just waiting and preparing for my daughter to arrive (I have to admit a part of me thinks that's what life should have let me do). Those I have talked to don't seem to have any concept of how... very wearying juggling all of these major life complications and worries and fears and realities are. I almost feel as if the general consensus feels I should just be trudging merrily along (after all I'm having a baby and that's great, right?). This is something I can't understand because I've seen a good deal more space to deal with things given people tackling things one at a time rather than all at once. I feel very alone, very tired, and as I keep saying... beaten up.

But I'm not down and out. I'll pop up before the 10 count is done. I'll give birth to this little girl... I'll deal with her daddy leaving...I'll hold the knowledge close to my heart that my gramma loves us and is with us even after death, and that my mom and dad love us and are with us even from a distance... I'll get to my mom when I can to spend as much time as I can with her... I'll do what needs doing... and I'll keep finding out that I'm stronger than I ever imagined. (And I'll try to drown out the voice that says that other people don't seem to think things are as tough as they are, so maybe I really am just being a baby).

I'll do all this because that's the other thing I am finding that I feel lately. When I don't feel like collapsing into a puddle of tears... or throwing up my hands and saying, "I'm done," I confess to feeling a small amount of pride. Am I broken? Yes... I become a little more so each day I think. But... to put it in the words of one of my favorite verses, "I am pressed, but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed." I will keep going until Abba says stop. I will rest when I am able. I will fight when I am able. I will cry when I must, and laugh when the moments afford. But I will keep going. I have kept going. And I think that's something worth being proud of.

End of Pregnancy Musings

It's interesting being at the end of this pregnancy. I watch the count down to my due date (8 days), and know that I'm full term and can't help but wonder, "When will it be?" I wake up every morning and think, "It could be today. It could be in three weeks."

Every 'off' symptom makes me wonder. Wow--my back is hurting... is that it? Wow--my stomach is crazy... are we close?

I'm walking and walking and walking, trying little things that I've heard are good for helping babies get positioned correctly (whether they're legit or not, I don't know. Can't hurt), consulting my "What to Expect..." books regularly.

I'm daydreaming more and more about what my daughter will be like. I still feel a good deal of peace about her arrival, despite the general disarray of the room full of her stuff. I do have some nervousness about "And factors." ("And factors" are things that go beyond one scenario or another... for instance: "having a baby AND dealing with Andy's det. schedule) But, by and large... I am just anxious to meet my daughter.

We will admit to wanting our little one to get here sooner than later, and I think we have legitimate reasons to hope for this. The boat will be calling far sooner than we want, and we need time to be together before that happens.

Still... people say nearly every day, "You're at that point when you just want her out, aren't you?" I can't say that I am, though I wouldn't complain at ALL if she came right now. Life lately is teaching me in many different ways the importance of time. This is the time I am given, and I will live it and live in it. This is time with Andy. This is time for preparation. Rushing things or trying to hide from life are not options right now. I need to be where I am when I am--alert and involved, and so I am trying to be so.

That doesn't mean that I'm not ready to get rid of these swollen ankles, sleep without waking up 25 times to change position and/or pee, bid farewell to my achy back, and maybe possibly kick the rest of the congestion I'm feeling. It's just that, those things really are minor and the days of experiencing them are numbered.

I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy. It was one of my goals when we first found out I was expecting. Though there have been days that I would say I wasn't exactly cheerful about the process, for the most part I must say I have. I can't think of a time in my life when I have felt more lovely, believe it or not--even if I am rather large. I love my shape. I love my belly. I don't even mind my stretch marks too much. (Was that oversharing?) I'm not sure I'll tell you that I miss pregnancy when this is over, but I can certainly think of worse states to be in. (Note: I hope not to forget the tough stuff to the extent that I cannot empathize with others in the throes of "I'm not glowingness").

And again I tell you... The timing of this baby's arrival must really be of God. He knew she was needed and needed now. Again and again I draw peace from that. Given that, I can only trust that the exact timing of her arrival will be 'just on time' too... even if it is later than we hope.

Now it's time to head to sleep, so I can wake up again tomorrow and wonder, "Is today the day?" We shall see. We shall see.

Sunshiney Day and Special Place

Spring is already sprunging here on the island, and it's beautiful. Today, we went to a new to us beach overlook that Jamie shared with me. It was chilly, but lovely. Below are some of the pictures we took while we were there. This should satisfy those of you asking for 'new preggo pics' and it satisfied my need to picture share. Yeah... maybe I went overboard. But you know you like looking at pictures!

Thinkative overlook