A goldfish bowl in South Dakota
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Monday, August 01, 2005
Hodge Podge
It's been a while since I've added photos here. I thought I'd do so tonight. They're pretty random. The bottom two are from Grandpa R's 90th birthday party which Carolyn and I travelled to Kansas for at the beginning of July. Some of the others are shots taken while Andy has been home on Emergency leave. A couple are from time that C and I spent with my Mom.
I hope you enjoy them all.
We're in Souix City, Iowa tonight... C hates her car seat with a passion at this point and we have a long way to go. I hope she settles in.
I hope you enjoy them all.
We're in Souix City, Iowa tonight... C hates her car seat with a passion at this point and we have a long way to go. I hope she settles in.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
And Now...
Carolyn and I are headed to Washington for a month. We'll be there to recoup and regroup. To enjoy Andy. To take time to feel and to grieve. To write. To be the three of us. To eat at bad restaurants. To take walks, and hopefully naps.
I hope I'll be able to be a Mom to Carolyn without "Ands." (Yes, I mean AndS).
We're going because Dad says Mom would want us to. We're going because cancer teaches you to live your life while you can and to be with those you love as much as you're able.
At the end of the month, we'll say good-bye to Andy and he'll be gone *out there* until Carolyn is one or older.
We need this time to recouperate from what we've been through. Regroup. And to prepare for what's ahead.
I think Mom will approve.
I hope I'll be able to be a Mom to Carolyn without "Ands." (Yes, I mean AndS).
We're going because Dad says Mom would want us to. We're going because cancer teaches you to live your life while you can and to be with those you love as much as you're able.
At the end of the month, we'll say good-bye to Andy and he'll be gone *out there* until Carolyn is one or older.
We need this time to recouperate from what we've been through. Regroup. And to prepare for what's ahead.
I think Mom will approve.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Joy
It's a suprise to me, but the feeling I feel most strongly since Mom left us yesterday is joy.
My Mom is free now. She had her first good day in 9 months yesterday. She doesn't hurt any more. She isn't stuck in a body that can't keep up with her mind and spirit.
Being by her side as she went through her final days as such an amazing blessing, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The person who lay in the hopsital bed in her room those last few days seemed just a shell of the wonderful woman I knew as "Mom." And yet... MOM was in there. That was what was excruciating. She was in there... Locked in a body that was non-responsive and suffering.
The look on Mom's face when I saw her after she passed yesterday morning was one of complete peace. I can only imagine that those first moments of heaven were full of such amazing joy and peace and release and relief for her.
I can feel her smiling. I can feel her laughing. And it makes me want to laugh and smile too.
I grieve for what we will not have, and for the brilliant colors that left the world yesterday...
But I am so very happy for my Mommy.
My Mom is free now. She had her first good day in 9 months yesterday. She doesn't hurt any more. She isn't stuck in a body that can't keep up with her mind and spirit.
Being by her side as she went through her final days as such an amazing blessing, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The person who lay in the hopsital bed in her room those last few days seemed just a shell of the wonderful woman I knew as "Mom." And yet... MOM was in there. That was what was excruciating. She was in there... Locked in a body that was non-responsive and suffering.
The look on Mom's face when I saw her after she passed yesterday morning was one of complete peace. I can only imagine that those first moments of heaven were full of such amazing joy and peace and release and relief for her.
I can feel her smiling. I can feel her laughing. And it makes me want to laugh and smile too.
I grieve for what we will not have, and for the brilliant colors that left the world yesterday...
But I am so very happy for my Mommy.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Mom's Birthday
Today is Mom's new birthday.
She was born into eternity today...
I miss her so much already.
She was born into eternity today...
I miss her so much already.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Two Years Ago...
Two Years Ago today I married the MOST wonderful man. I gazed into his eyes and promised to love him no matter what. We promised that we'd be together for better or for worse. I gazed into his eyes and was filled with wonder that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
Since then, we've certainly seen a good amount of 'better' and 'worse.' TOGETHER we've lived in three different states, established three different places to call home. He started his journey in the Navy, and we endured the separation of Basic Training. I lived through a few months of, "The Job from Hell." We visited beaches, and forts, and beautiful gardens, and state parks. We've lost loved ones, and welcomed new babies. We ourselves welcomed into our lives the most beautiful little girl either of us have ever beheld. Andy reminded me of all of this in a beautiful email he sent today.
That's a lot of living to squeeze into two years. Not all of our first two years was happy... but through it all we've both had an abundance of joy in the knowledge that we were loved by the other. I don't think I can adequately express the feeling of being able to come back to the solid fact that I KNOW that my husband loves me. I KNOW he thinks about me. I KNOW he's pulling for me.
We've had a lot of 'apart time' in our short time together. But even through that 'apart time' we were TOGETHER. That is so hard to explain, but so very true. Thoughts of him are always at the forefront of my mind. Each moment I experience is somehow shared with him, even if it's only through my thinking, "Andy would love this." He is something solid for me in a world that has been and is far from certain.
We are so very, very blessed. I am still so in love. I think I always will be.
Since then, we've certainly seen a good amount of 'better' and 'worse.' TOGETHER we've lived in three different states, established three different places to call home. He started his journey in the Navy, and we endured the separation of Basic Training. I lived through a few months of, "The Job from Hell." We visited beaches, and forts, and beautiful gardens, and state parks. We've lost loved ones, and welcomed new babies. We ourselves welcomed into our lives the most beautiful little girl either of us have ever beheld. Andy reminded me of all of this in a beautiful email he sent today.
That's a lot of living to squeeze into two years. Not all of our first two years was happy... but through it all we've both had an abundance of joy in the knowledge that we were loved by the other. I don't think I can adequately express the feeling of being able to come back to the solid fact that I KNOW that my husband loves me. I KNOW he thinks about me. I KNOW he's pulling for me.
We've had a lot of 'apart time' in our short time together. But even through that 'apart time' we were TOGETHER. That is so hard to explain, but so very true. Thoughts of him are always at the forefront of my mind. Each moment I experience is somehow shared with him, even if it's only through my thinking, "Andy would love this." He is something solid for me in a world that has been and is far from certain.
We are so very, very blessed. I am still so in love. I think I always will be.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Mary Poppins
It's a good thing Carolyn has decided she likes at least parts of Mary Poppins. I'm suddenly obsessed with it. I'm not sure why. Shortly before we left to come back here, I decided I wanted to see it again, so I decided to buy it for our 'beginning of deployment/detachment/long darned separation present.'
It's become a little escape of sorts for me. If I'm feeling edgy, or sad, or just want out for a little bit, I put it on. I get the songs in my head and sing them to Carolyn all day.
Why Mary Poppins? It's not deep really... It has no significant voice speaking into my current experience. But somehow, it is a comfort. It keeps me steady. It keeps me singing. It keeps me sane.
Maybe it's that spoonful of sugar? I'm not sure. But I do love Mary Poppins!
It's become a little escape of sorts for me. If I'm feeling edgy, or sad, or just want out for a little bit, I put it on. I get the songs in my head and sing them to Carolyn all day.
Why Mary Poppins? It's not deep really... It has no significant voice speaking into my current experience. But somehow, it is a comfort. It keeps me steady. It keeps me singing. It keeps me sane.
Maybe it's that spoonful of sugar? I'm not sure. But I do love Mary Poppins!
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Father's Day, Penguins, Bunnies, and Splashes
Today was a really, really sweet day. I keep breathing in the peace of the goodness of it.
It's Father's Day. Andy's first. Dad's first as a Grandpa. It was really sad not to be with Andy, but Carolyn and I celebrated him today too. We looked at pictures of him, watched "The Daddy Story Video," talked about him, and prayed for him. Grandpa was celebrated too. Carolyn gave him a shirt that said, "World's Greatest Grandpa" which he promptly put on, and Carolyn wore her, "Grandpa's Little Peanut" onesie. I made Roast Beef for him (my first Roast Beef cooking experience ever and it turned out pretty darned good if I do say so myself), and he seemed to take the day to relax and just be. He said it was most memorable Father's Day ever.
Carolyn was positively irresistble today. Which was good because she was also very anti-nap. She was full of giggles and sweetness though. We watched Mary Poppins again (That was our beginning of deployment present to ourselves). Carolyn has never shown a lot of interesnt in the T.V. aside from the Daddy video when it catches her eye... But when the "Jolly Holiday" part came on and the Penguins came out and danced with Bert, she was positivley TRANSFIXED. She smiled and I was holding her so she was standing up and she bopped a little bit. She just loved it. Now I'm not going to start plopping her down in front of the T.V. on a regular basis, but it was just so cute to see. She also giggles during the, "Love to Laugh" song.
Today was also bath day. Up til today, bath's were kind of iffy for her. She would cry at first and then settle in and MIGHT enjoy herself by the end. Today, I no more than got her in her little tub and she was splashing up a storm. She got me soaked and all of the kitchen counter soaked as well. Boy did she have fun. I LOVE bath days because I get to use the lovely smelling Lavendar and Chammomile soap and lotion. She smells like heaven afterwards. I'm serious. I think I am convinced that when I get to Heaven it will smell like Carolyn after a bath and Chocolate Chip cookies.
But the best part of the day came after bath time. She got really fussy afterwards, and going outside almost always settles her down, so I grabbed a couple of books, and we went down to the pond to read. We got through one book, and she fussed a little more, so I nursed her. (I decided to try nursing outside after Anne Lamott said she did it in, Operating Instructions. It just sounded so romantic). She fell asleep and all was so peaceful... until a big black ant crawled into my sandal and bit me between my toes. I recovered though and we sat there some more. The bull frogs started to sing... Just one first--he was the concert master tuning up the orchestra. Soon a whole chorus of bull-frogs were singing to us. A few minutes later the crickets joined in too.
Carolyn finished nursing and we prayed together. We prayed for her Daddy first, and then for Mom... for our friends, and finally for ourselves. Much to my suprise I haven't cried a lot for all that is going on. But lately when I pray.... when I really get into the quiet spaces when talking to God, I do. And it's not a cry that aches. It's just an honest one. It's the result of talking to Abba in a real way about what is happening. And I feel so comforted afterward.
Funny thing about Carolyn... She is reteaching me all of these things of the spirit that I was afraid I'd unlearned. I find myself able to worship again, for the first time in years--even in song. I don't get tripped up in 'how to do it' or feel awkward about it... It just naturally flows out of me as I sing. It's the same thing with prayer. This little three month old baby is tutoring me in the spiritual disciplines. What a wonder!
So today was a sweet day of breathing in peacefulness. I love oasis days like today.
It's Father's Day. Andy's first. Dad's first as a Grandpa. It was really sad not to be with Andy, but Carolyn and I celebrated him today too. We looked at pictures of him, watched "The Daddy Story Video," talked about him, and prayed for him. Grandpa was celebrated too. Carolyn gave him a shirt that said, "World's Greatest Grandpa" which he promptly put on, and Carolyn wore her, "Grandpa's Little Peanut" onesie. I made Roast Beef for him (my first Roast Beef cooking experience ever and it turned out pretty darned good if I do say so myself), and he seemed to take the day to relax and just be. He said it was most memorable Father's Day ever.
Carolyn was positively irresistble today. Which was good because she was also very anti-nap. She was full of giggles and sweetness though. We watched Mary Poppins again (That was our beginning of deployment present to ourselves). Carolyn has never shown a lot of interesnt in the T.V. aside from the Daddy video when it catches her eye... But when the "Jolly Holiday" part came on and the Penguins came out and danced with Bert, she was positivley TRANSFIXED. She smiled and I was holding her so she was standing up and she bopped a little bit. She just loved it. Now I'm not going to start plopping her down in front of the T.V. on a regular basis, but it was just so cute to see. She also giggles during the, "Love to Laugh" song.
Today was also bath day. Up til today, bath's were kind of iffy for her. She would cry at first and then settle in and MIGHT enjoy herself by the end. Today, I no more than got her in her little tub and she was splashing up a storm. She got me soaked and all of the kitchen counter soaked as well. Boy did she have fun. I LOVE bath days because I get to use the lovely smelling Lavendar and Chammomile soap and lotion. She smells like heaven afterwards. I'm serious. I think I am convinced that when I get to Heaven it will smell like Carolyn after a bath and Chocolate Chip cookies.
But the best part of the day came after bath time. She got really fussy afterwards, and going outside almost always settles her down, so I grabbed a couple of books, and we went down to the pond to read. We got through one book, and she fussed a little more, so I nursed her. (I decided to try nursing outside after Anne Lamott said she did it in, Operating Instructions. It just sounded so romantic). She fell asleep and all was so peaceful... until a big black ant crawled into my sandal and bit me between my toes. I recovered though and we sat there some more. The bull frogs started to sing... Just one first--he was the concert master tuning up the orchestra. Soon a whole chorus of bull-frogs were singing to us. A few minutes later the crickets joined in too.
Carolyn finished nursing and we prayed together. We prayed for her Daddy first, and then for Mom... for our friends, and finally for ourselves. Much to my suprise I haven't cried a lot for all that is going on. But lately when I pray.... when I really get into the quiet spaces when talking to God, I do. And it's not a cry that aches. It's just an honest one. It's the result of talking to Abba in a real way about what is happening. And I feel so comforted afterward.
Funny thing about Carolyn... She is reteaching me all of these things of the spirit that I was afraid I'd unlearned. I find myself able to worship again, for the first time in years--even in song. I don't get tripped up in 'how to do it' or feel awkward about it... It just naturally flows out of me as I sing. It's the same thing with prayer. This little three month old baby is tutoring me in the spiritual disciplines. What a wonder!
So today was a sweet day of breathing in peacefulness. I love oasis days like today.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Two Sweet Weeks
It has been so wonderful for Carolyn and I to be here the last two weeks, even if we had to do a lot of packing to get our apartment into storage, and even if the Navy did go balistic over a pair of gloves. We've tried to squeeze every ounce of wonderful out of being together. We've even had some fun packing.
We got some good pictures of Ms. Carolyn in her Sailor dress one day when Daddy was wearing his Dress Whites. How could we resist that photo opportunity?
We've visited with friends back here when we had some spare moments. You can see that "Auntie" Jennie has some unique ideas about children's toys. Spoons work as well as anything though, and Carolyn did enjoy her toe excercises.
I don't have to tell you all that Carolyn and Andy have positively soaked in one another while they've had this time together. She sure is Daddy's little girl. It's one of the most amazing things in my life I think--seeing them together. I'm glad they had this time together. I'm glad we ALL had this time together.
We got some good pictures of Ms. Carolyn in her Sailor dress one day when Daddy was wearing his Dress Whites. How could we resist that photo opportunity?
We've visited with friends back here when we had some spare moments. You can see that "Auntie" Jennie has some unique ideas about children's toys. Spoons work as well as anything though, and Carolyn did enjoy her toe excercises.
I don't have to tell you all that Carolyn and Andy have positively soaked in one another while they've had this time together. She sure is Daddy's little girl. It's one of the most amazing things in my life I think--seeing them together. I'm glad they had this time together. I'm glad we ALL had this time together.
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