My sunshine on Mother's Day 

Life Today...

I've been thinking the last few days about how I feel like a totally different person than I was three years ago, or five years ago, or one year ago. I am a new person. I am a Mom now. I am a girl missing her Mom now.

The last two years have taken me to the heights of joys I'd never known and to the depths of griefs I'd never imagined.

I've learned to feel suffering. I learned to watch suffering. And now I enter even further into the suffering of others.

A close friend of ours is nearing the end of his battle with cancer. He is about to give his life in the fight.

I stagger at this--at seeing it again, at feeling it again, at knowing that people that I love are having to feel the devestation of the beast that is cancer.

I am learning here. I have learned here and from all that has come to me in these whirlwind months. But I can't articulate the lesson. I can't tell you how I'm different. I can't tell you who this new person is. I'm not sure I recognize her. I have to get to know her a little better.

All I know is I step forward into life each day a different person. I'm trying to assimilate the happenings of the last two years into who I am now. I'm trying to learn the steps of a new dance. It's scary, and hard, and leaves me quiet.

But I will continue the journey and I will try to share the story of it as much as I can. Because there is power in the telling of our stories.

Please pray for my friend Bob, as he finishes this journey and begins a new one. Pray for his wife Jennie and their family.

And pray for me as I make sense of who I am now and as I assimilate all that has been into who I am now and what now is.

For Brandy and Lauren And Any Other Closet FIF Fan Out There:

"Dear Father,
I need you.
Your strength my heart to mend...

I want to
Fly higher... Every New Day again...."

You know the rest.

First Nike's. 

I LOVE new haircuts!!!!  

Nike's and Haircuts

My ten minutes of evening computer time is technically up, but I had to share my new haircut... And because I am told that people get sad when there aren't new pictures of Carolyn up, I thought I would share a photo of Carolyn in her adorable little pink Nike's from Ms. Shari. I also love the little Tennis Dress. :)

So yes, about the haircut... I had one of those typically Val urges to get rid of some hair today... So, I did! I can't wait to take my first short hair shower!!!!

That's all... I better be good now.

Wubba

Carolyn has a new word. It's "Wubba." I know, I know... It's crazy. It's not a real word. Should it even count?And what is "Wubba" anyway?

I am a lover of Sesame Street. I hope to instill this love into my daughter. One of our favorite videos is the 25th Anniversary Sesame Street singalong video. And our favorite song on that particular video is Grover's rendition of "Wubba, Wubba, Wubba."Early on this song caught my fancy and I found myself humming it all day long. This resulted in spontaneous bursts of, "I said a wubba wubba wubba and a woo woo woo" in the middle of nearly everything--dinner, showering, driving, walks with the stroller. Carolyn has become quite used to it. Andrew has too, and we've begun to sing it together.

Soon after Andrew began to sing along, Carolyn decided to join in and one day as Andy and I were singing a stellar duet of the song, we stopped and heard our daughter say, "Wubbubububub."

My favorite times are when we sing the song together and she incorporates her new move--the head wiggle--into the singing of it. Especially on the "Wubba, Wubba, Wubba and a Doodly Doo." line. Just imagine my little girl singing, "Wubba, wubba, wubba" and waggling her head back and forth when I get to "Doodly Doo." Yeah.... I LOVE this girl.

So now she goes around the house saying, "Wubbubububub."

(And also she says Mama... Finally!)

Five Minutes

During our outing today, the world stopped and faded away. I sat down on a beach, heard the waves lapping in, soaked in the sun with sun-warmed rocks beneath me, layed back and for the first time in over six months I just simply was.

Andy had Carolyn a few yards away--near enough for me to feel I was "with them" and far enough away that I could claim the five feet around me on all sides as mine alone for just a moment.

I sat and heard the waves, listened to the bird songs, heard my daughters happy sounds. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply. And then the world faded away.

Growing up, I loved to go outside and wander down to the pond where I would sit on the dock for a long time until I didn't realize the water was beneath me and the sky was above me. I'd sit there until I felt a part of the water and the sky and the summer sounds. As an adult I try to do that from time to time. It's something I need. The essence of Val gets off-kilter when I don't take the time.

But it's been so very long since I've been able to. So long since I haven't needed to be an arm's length away from Carolyn because I was THE adult in charge. It's been so long since I've not had a crisis to deal with or a house to move into or a cross-country trip to travel. It's been so long since I've been content that my family is together and ok.

And today it was. Today for five minutes, I could just BE.

And that five minutes was enough.

Beside the still waters--Just be.

View from the beach 

Another Expotition

After Kenny left this morning, we headed to another state park that's new to us--the one, "Under the bridge." We took a long windy road down to the beach where Carolyn played, Andy flew a kite, and I sat and soaked in sunshine. It was a good day.

Carolyn and Andy playing on the beach--It's SO GOOD to see them play together again. 

Andy flying a kite 

Family Photo Op 

Kenny came to visit, and Carolyn--flirt that she is--took quite a liking to him.  

Kenny and I. 

The guys chatting 

The four of us! 

The Children's Museum

We visited a children's museum in a town not far from here this week. Carolyn had a fabulous time. She developed her musical talent with tamborines, shakers, and a xylaphone. She explored a tree house. She tried her hand at driving a big rig. And of course, observed the effects of gravity combined with PVC pipe and magnets. Overall, the outing was a hit. We'll definitely go back.

Of all the things in the children museum, the squishy balls in a cup were Carolyn's favorite. 

The wonders of PVC Pipes, Magnets, and Squishy balls. 

Hello in there! 

Daddy's have fun at the museum too! 

A wee train ride 

She's got rhythym! 

Pensive in patent leathers. Just had to share this one.  

A Day at the Beach

We're still out on as many expotitions as we can possibly get under our hats this leave period. Yesterday, we spent some time at a new beach. It had miles and miles of sand to explore and some beautiful bluffs just behind the beach. We walked for quite a way and saw all sorts of things. We found our first sand dollar. It was still brown and fuzzy. Weirded me out a bit. We also stumbled serindipitously upon an Eagle Shadowing a Heron or a Crane (I don't know my birds very well, I guess). The heron would move, and the Eagle would follow. We were able to get amazingly close to both of them. It was absolutely beautiful.

Carolyn had fun in the sand. She dug, and dug... And ate a handful or two at one point. She also pranced and danced all around the beach and did quite a little bit of exploring herself.

A day at the beach! 

Carolyn played in the sand quite a bit... She also managed to eat some. Such is the life of a toddler.

Beach walking buddies 

This heron was trailed by an eagle for quite some time. I'd never seen anything like it. 

We watched and watched the Eagle 

He was just huge. 

One More Tiptoe Through the Tulips

Andy has been on leave, so we thought we would go tulip-finding one more time. It's later in the season, so the tulips are ready for cutting, and just brilliant. Tulip-festival time provides marvelously cheap dates--You find a field, pay $2 to park, and walk as long as you want. This field had bright reds, deep purples, delicate pinks, and my favorite--a very subtle yellowy white.

Carolyn had lots of fun getting a view from Dad's backpack. I think she felt important. Her Mama skipping around singing, "Tulips, Tulips, Look at the beautiful tulips!" entertained her quite well too.