St. Ignatius says

"There are very few people who realize what God would make of them if they abandoned themselves into his hands, and let themselves be formed by his grace." --St. Ignatius

I read that today over at the Sacred Space website. It's a very good quote for today. Most of the time I really suck at abandoning myself to much of anything. Lately, I feel like I have to have to be white-knuckling all aspects of my life in order to ensure that nothing gets dropped, and that Carolyn and I make it out of this season alive and not insane.

Today, I did some abandoning. I did a really scary, terrifying thing....

I asked for help.

God's grace is so trustworthy. It's always there. I can run away, or ignore, or flail and scream and kick, and it's still just there...

That doesn't mean God isn't big and powerful and couldn't snuff me out like a candle anytime he chooses. I know that is true as well.

But even so... He is good.

Maybe I need to work on abandoning myself into his hands, and letting myself be formed by his grace. The abandoning part today was scary as hell. But... it was good. Good like God is. Good because God is.

Whine:

Warning: I am about to whine. This is not a ploy for sympathy. It is simply a whine.

I miss my husband.

I wish he was here so I could not listen to him tonight.

I would really like him to say things like, "Val you aren't a bad Mom... You play lots with C. You make her smile. She loves you so much. I would totally lose my patience after the fiftieth time that she stuffed a leaf in her mouth or attempted to eat cat food, but you keep your cool... and have a marvelous finger-sweep technique."

Or...

"Val... even though you have tried very hard to eat your weight in sugar in the last three or four days, I don't think you look anything like the Goodyear Blimp or the Michelen Man, and even if you did you would be the prettiest Goodyear Blimp/Michelan Man I'd ever seen."

Or...

"Val, you aren't a horrible house-keeper. Chasing after a feisty, clingy, obviously mobile 7 mos. old is enough to make anyone want to skip cleaning litter boxes and reaching into the depths of the kitchen sink drain to clean out limp, disgusting, food."

And when I was done not listening to him say all of that, I wish I could see him shake his head, sigh at my stubborn unwillingness to listen to him, give me a hug, and then commence an evening of leisurely spooning.

Yes. That is what I wish for right now. I guess I'll just have to wait a few months.

I...

I miss my husband.

My Happy Crawler

I'm Ready...

I'm ready for my life to feel normal again.

I want my husband back in my arms. I want to hear his voice again. I want him to be with me to see C go through all her milestones, and I want to be able to hand her to him at the end of a long day, when I just want my arms to feel like my own again.

I am grateful for our being able to send and receive emails, which is what civilian-folk like to focus on when they hear of his goneness as if that makes it all better... but emails are really not enough.

I'm ready to live in my own house, with my husband and child and not be constantly figuring out how to make living with my father as an adult work better.

I'm also ready for people to stop looking at me like I have two heads when I try to explain that I only live here for six months, or that I am living with my Dad, or that I have lived between the northwest and the midwest so long that I don't know my way around either anymore.

I am ready for my life to not be about illness, or death, or grief.

I'm sure normal won't look or feel normal. I'm sure there isn't really a normal. But there has to be something more normal than what I am living now, and what my last year or more has been.

I guess I'm just tired.